Expert: Analisa - 8/5/2008

Question
I have so much going through my mind right now, and I don't really know what to do about it. My boyfriend and I have been together over a year now, and seriously committed for about 8 months of that.  When I say serious, I mean that in that we do almost everything together, we have exchanged keys, and he voluntarily comes to my house almost every chance he gets.  I still let him "do the chasing" in that he is the primary person to call, etc.  (I'm a little old-fashioned like that.) But I do try to maintain a balance so that things don't feel one-sided.  We share so much together. He helps me with my son a lot, and he is always helping me with things like buying groceries, mowing the grass, taking out the trash.  He helps me with expenses such as my son's prescription which was $120, down payment on my car ($500), and things like that.  He is so generous and giving with me, and never holds anything over my head or ever begrudges the things he does for me.  He also does nice things for me that aren't really necessary, but very nice, such as he got me diamond earrings for my bday, a puppy last month, takes me to the mall and buys me shoes and outfits on occasion, etc.  He is a student so it's not like he's got tons of money (his parents do pay his entire expenses though, they are well-off).  But regardless, I feel he would not do this extent of things for me, if he was not truly into me.  I try not to be pushy with him about spending time together, I don't want him to feel crowded or restricted in that way.  But at this point, we are so into each other, he practically lives at my house and only goes to his place when he has to for work or school.  And when we are together, we have a great rapport, we joke, laugh, play, and have an incredible sex drive together, even after a year of being together.

We do share some things together that not a lot of couples would do or be comfortable with. And to be honest, I am not yet truly comfortable with it either, but it is a journey nonetheless.  Short story, we swing together sometimes.  That is actually how we met, on a swingers website.  We were both singles, looking for no-strings-attached hookups.  I had my profile as a leftover remnant of a previous relationship which fizzled out, and had made the call to cancel it, since as a single i didn't really feel i needed it since i broke up with the ex boyfriend. (the ex is who introduced me to the whole notion, it was a novelty for me at the time, not really my lifestyle.  I'm a pretty naturally monogamous person)  Anyway the site kept the profile active until the end of the month, so I still checked it out and had met a couple guys from it (you know, rebounders, lol).  Which is how my boyfriend met me...he sent me an email on there, and I checked out his profile and thought he was very cute, so I decided to meet him...well we hit it off and basically became "friends with benefits" for a few months.  After a while though, it really became much more than just a friendship and I was developing feelings for him, and he was coming over 3-4x a week of his own accord....we talked and decided to start dating each other.  (I forgot to mention that we live 60 miles apart, and he makes that drive 2-4x a week)

I know this isn't a conventional way to meet someone, but we seem to work together, so why not?  But...because of the way we met, it was kind of not right for me to really make him give that lifestyle up right away, although I have a few times, and he says that it's ok and he doesn't mind stopping it and being monogomous with me, but I really seem to get the feeling he's still wanting to "play" around, and if that is so, I would much rather him do it with me and together, than to end up cheating.  My thought process is that for men, it is natural to want as much "play" as they can get, no matter how great their current partner is or how much they like them, if a man truly had his way, he would not limit himself.  I have came to that conclusion over the many years of dating I've had and experience with me, and it's so hurtful when they cheat. It's just something in how they are hard-wired.  I have fun when we go to functions, it's a rush and exciting to get dressed all sexy and cute and to be hit on by men and get all that attention.  People in the lifestyle are pretty nice and decent people, who just like to have sex a lot.  I've always had a big sexual appetite anyway, so it's something that I don't mind from time to time.  I most definitely do not want my life to revolve around it though.

So anyway, with this great friendship, and openness together that we have, and his obvious devotion and doting on me, there are still some things he does, after a whole year together, that I feel is wrong and disrespectful to me, because he has lied to me about it repeatedly.  I noticed a few months ago, a number that kept showing up on his phone, so I checked it out.  We are pretty carefree and open with each other about most things, and share email and passwords so I don't think i was out of line in checking the phone, he sometimes picked up my phone and would rifle thru it.  Sometimes I get texts from guys and I always show him or tell him, that's just how it is when you're in this lifestyle, there's going to be some contact with the people you want to play with.  I'm always keeping an eye out for females for him as well, I think it's just as hot to watch him having fun as anything - I know he's coming home with me and taking care of me at the end of the night.  So anyway I checked out this number, and find out it is a single's chat line.  Well I tried to bring it up in a round about way, first by just making jokes when we'd see the commercials on tv...I'd say something like "oh that is so lame, why would anyone call a chat line like that...it's for losers!"  Well I was just hoping he'd realize that was a dumb thing to be doing, and stop it.  Well I checked up a few weeks later, and he is still calling...not one, but two of them (Quest and Live Links, i'm sure you've seen the commercials.)  So now I feel it's going to require an actual talk, but I wanted to do it in a way that didn't put him on the defensive. So I bide my time and wait for an opportunity to bring it up, which happens one night when we're coming out of the movies.  We're looking for a number on his phone and i see that chat line number again. I asked him, "what is that number?" and he lied to me and said "it's just a wrong number I dialed.."  So his phone is a blackberry, so i pulled up the history on the number and see that he's called it several times with some semi-lengthy convos. I'm like "for a wrong number, you called it quite a bit and had some long convos...what's the deal?"  He kind of sputters and is quiet, so I pull out my phone and do a Google on it, and see that it's quest chat line, so I tell him that..."you're calling a chat line?! ...why?"  We go home and talk about it, and he tells me it's something he got into after he moved to Louisville because he was lonely and didn't have any friends here, etc blah blah, and that he just called to talk to people about anything.  So I tell him well ok...(me still being somewhat unaware of what the chat line is really all about, since i never called it)...I said i'd let it go and just leave it at that.  Well later on I decided to call the number, just to be sure it was what he was saying it was.  Well the first thing the recording says is that it is a single's chat line...oh hell no!  WTF...he's not single...he's quite committed, or so I thought.  So I bring that up to him and tell him that it's really inappropriate for him to be calling a singles chat line if he is not single.  Well we smoothed things over and I figured after that he'd drop it for good since he knew i did not approve.  (Now I do let him look at porn all he wants, i don't ever give him a hard time about that, or any other *perverted* :) fun he wants to have)  But i just draw the line at putting yourself out there on a singles chat line.  I would rather him call an actual phone sex line if that's what he is after.  With this thing, there is the potential to actually meet a real person from Louisville, get their number, and begin something.  Too much temptation if you ask me.  Even the best man can be tempted, and i just do not trust men. They just do not seem to be able to say no if it's offered to them.

I do not understand why, when he is obviously smitten over me, and he has a great relationship with a woman who adores him, and allows him to still "explore" on occasion, and has no problem with him looking at porn or any of that, why is that not enough? Why does he have to push the limit and risk losing all this? Is he just still stuck in that "single guy" mentality, or is he trying to purposely sabotoge us, or what?  (I am his first long-term serious relationship, and he is 6 yrs younger than me)

So after all of this, I am very on edge and although I have been pretty normal with him when he's around, but when he isn't around I am just constantly running over and over in my head about this.  I decided to log into his cell phone account online, he uses the same passwords for everything, so it was simple.  I log in and start checking out his phone logs, and I am just in shock over how much he actually calls these numbers...over 20 hours last month!!!  Now that is a serious problem.  Almost every day he calls.  I really feel it is just something that he has gotten addicted to, and it isn't so easy to just stop.  I even see that sometimes it looks like he has met someone on there, and calls them right after he gets off the chat line....these are 2, 3, and 4am phone calls.  I am really close to ending it with him, because I can't deal with this for much longer.  I decided to call the chat lines and actually talk to someone on there so i can really get the low down...it's free for women, so I figured why not.  I talk to a few different guys and pretty much am told that a) it's mostly people looking to hook up, and b) that it's actually kind of expensive for guys..they have to pay for it.  I figure out when the time frames are when he usually calls, so I called in last night to just see if he would actually be on there, if I could catch him.  Well lo and behold, the 5th or 6th message I heard was him....omg I was furious.  I connected, and he accepted (because he didn't know it was me) but after we connected, he recognized my voice and hung up on me.  I called him directly immediately, and told him in no uncertain terms that this is wrong, it's inapropriate, it's disrespectful, and it is really hurting me. This is where I draw the line.  I allow him so many things, he does not need this too.

I don't really get it.  He calls me like 5-10 times every day, he always wants to come to my house, we have great sex (a lot!) but we can also be together without having sex, so that's not the only thing that holds us together....he is sweet, funny, pretty good head on his shoulders (about to graduate school and become an RN).  He's caring, loving, considerate, understanding, helpful...almost really the perfect boyfriend.  He comes from a good stable family who seem like they are moral and respectable.

Personally, after this, if we do have a chance of staying together, I want things to be totally monogamous between us, for a long while.  Until I can trust in him again.

My question is, why is he acting one way 95% of the time, but doing this in secret, and then lying to me about it, or omitting it? Am I expecting too much since we are only dating, and not engaged or married? Do I need to just chill out and let him grow out of this phase? Or make a stand and lose a really great guy in the process?

Answer
Nikita,

I can not answer why anyone does what they do. With that said I feel you are in a situation that is not beneficial to you.

Is he really that great of a guy? If he is then why are you writing me such a long letter about his misbehaviors and questioning the validity of your relationship?

You already know the answers to the questions you are asking and I have learned over the years to trust my instincts, I hope you will do the same.

Hope this helps,
Analisa