Expert: Analisa - 1/2/2009

Question

I'm sorry, but I don't understand the question..

Your Question was:

I am in the military and a few months ago I deployed to Iraq. My wife and I had been discussing swinging off and on with another couple we know, and the husband was winding up his deployment at the time I was in the first few weeks of mine. My wife and his wife had been having sex for a while, and all was well with that. When the talk shifted to actually swinging, it was being talked up a lot, and sounded like it was going to be fun. We planned to see what happened with that when I went home on leave in a couple of months.

The talk went on, and when the other husband came home, he wanted to watch the two wives get it on, and I didn’t have an issue with that, so they did that, but the husband couldn’t hold his horses and jumped on his wife, and he asked to do his wife with my wife laying under, so they did that. I suppose I didn’t have too much of an issue with that, but it seemed to me like the three of them were letting things get too far ahead and it had been previously agreed on that they were going to wait until I got home before we all got heavy. It was a first for all of us, considering this lifestyle. With communication with me being difficult sometimes, I couldn’t always be in on everything, and my wife would tell me that the three of them would sit around late into the night on many occasions, drinking, talking and talking at length about sex and swinging. But still, I didn’t really press my concern too much, although the other husband did apologize to me profusely.

About a month later, my wife and her friend were about to get it on late one night at my house, and the other husband called because he was bored. So he came over and was going to watch again. Well, again, he couldn’t keep it together and started in with his wife. Which, I didn’t have issue with, but they were all drunk and my wife was just getting into more than we had agreed on.  My wife and I had the whole time solidly agreed upon certain boundaries between her and the husband, and really we had agreed only to soft touching and that’s it. Well, long story short she wound up being fingered, kissed and he had anal sex with her. (I had always said, even if everything else was allowed, kissing was an absolute no-no….I hold it to be very intimate between us) They had also showered together and laid together in our bed. My wife told me that his wife had wanted to watch those them together, despite that she knew our agreed-upon boundaries, pushing and pushing them to go farther and farth

I did not find any of this out until a week later, when my wife was drunk and feeling guilty and she confessed what had happened to me on the telephone. Well, again making it short, us and the other couple are no longer friends. It turns out the wife was an extremely jealous and insecure person and thought that because they had done what they did her husband was in love with my wife, when really it was only her who thought that. It was in fact strictly recreational (aside from being the wrong decision on her part).

My issue is this: my wife and I had begun discussing swinging as a way to enhance our already great sex life and relationship with each other. I thought that letting her do what she wanted to do with her friend would have been enough. It was always my intention to let her and the other husband, who is a good friend of mine, have a go at each other so to speak EVENTUALLY, but I wanted to be all of us, together, so we could talk about things beforehand and there may have been less chance of someone being hurt.

I would like to continue to try out the lifestyle, but now that my wife had a bad experience (her doing) she now wants no part of it. She says that her “rules” for it are that she only wants it to be with a couple that we are very good friends with (which I can see that); so I have to live with her “rules” but she couldn’t live with mine?? Now I understand that my priority is to love my wife no matter what, and I do, but I also feel as if I was shortchanged out of something that I should have been a part of. I think that the other wife was insecure because she was “left out” as well that night. There’s no guarantee it would have been perfect by any means, but maybe had I been there and we all would have had someone to play with, maybe it would have went okay, and we would all still be friends. I feel  very slighted because I want to experience this, I want to be able to watch my wife having fun with another man, and she did want me to have an experience as well. I explained to her th

Am I right in feeling how I do? I don’t hold anything against my wife except for bad judgment brought on by alcohol and a lot of sex already going on. I’m pretty upset at the other couple for using my house as a cheap hotel as well (my wife said that they fucked all over my house; this just shows disrespect for me and my furniture the way I see it).  I agree that in the situation, it would be difficult. BUT, we DID have clearly defined and understood limits. She understands this and takes all the blame. My wife is very much a "push the envelope" kind of woman, and also pretty rebellious, but not openly defiant. She recognized the "rules" but told me that when things get hot, the rules go out the window and that she saw an opportunity and went for it (her words). Sounds selfish to me. I blamed the guy for a little while, but I know that for guys it can be even harder. He had two women there telling him what to do. Just a bad situation all around, and I even blame myself a good deal. I started all this talk and we all fed the fire, too bad the only person it burned was me.

So what i am asking is: Am I reasonable feeling shorted out of my chance at the experience? And in general, as an objective third party, what are your thoughts on the situation? thank you for your time.  

Answer
I'm sorry you kept sending the VERY long story over & over again I just couldn't find the questions you were asking.

I think you are beating a dead horse, this is over. Maybe sometime in the future you can try to bring this up.

But I believe you two have much bigger issues going on and swinging with this person is not for you & this relationship at this time.

I agree with you she sounds pretty selfish to me and this other couple sounds very disrespectful but, you have to remember she is the responsible party as she found the couple, she invited them into your home, she allowed all of this to happen and then she chose to lie to you about it. Even now you don't know if you have learned everything as you only learned what you did when she was drunk & feeling guilty.

So, you have to decide if you want to live with her decisions for your life and if you still want to experience the other things you want.

Hope this helps and sorry about the earlier confusion.

Analisa