Expert: Leesa - 1/2/2009

Question


I am in the military and a few months ago I deployed to Iraq. My wife and I had been discussing swinging off and on with another couple we know, and the husband was winding up his deployment at the time I was in the first few weeks of mine. My wife and his wife had been having sex for a while, and all was well with that. When the talk shifted to actually swinging, it was being talked up a lot, and sounded like it was going to be fun. We planned to see what happened with that when I went home on leave in a couple of months.

The talk went on, and when the other husband came home, he wanted to watch the two wives get it on, and I didn’t have an issue with that, so they did that, but the husband couldn’t hold his horses and jumped on his wife, and he asked to do his wife with my wife laying under, so they did that. I suppose I didn’t have too much of an issue with that, but it seemed to me like the three of them were letting things get too far ahead and it had been previously agreed on that they were going to wait until I got home before we all got heavy. It was a first for all of us, considering this lifestyle. With communication with me being difficult sometimes, I couldn’t always be in on everything, and my wife would tell me that the three of them would sit around late into the night on many occasions, drinking, talking and talking at length about sex and swinging. But still, I didn’t really press my concern too much, although the other husband did apologize to me profusely.

About a month later, my wife and her friend were about to get it on late one night at my house, and the other husband called because he was bored. So he came over and was going to watch again. Well, again, he couldn’t keep it together and started in with his wife. Which, I didn’t have issue with, but they were all drunk and my wife was just getting into more than we had agreed on.  My wife and I had the whole time solidly agreed upon certain boundaries between her and the husband, and really we had agreed only to soft touching and that’s it. Well, long story short she wound up being fingered, kissed and he had anal sex with her. (I had always said, even if everything else was allowed, kissing was an absolute no-no….I hold it to be very intimate between us) They had also showered together and laid together in our bed. My wife told me that his wife had wanted to watch those them together, despite that she knew our agreed-upon boundaries, pushing and pushing them to go farther and farth

I did not find any of this out until a week later, when my wife was drunk and feeling guilty and she confessed what had happened to me on the telephone. Well, again making it short, us and the other couple are no longer friends. It turns out the wife was an extremely jealous and insecure person and thought that because they had done what they did her husband was in love with my wife, when really it was only her who thought that. It was in fact strictly recreational (aside from being the wrong decision on her part).

My issue is this: my wife and I had begun discussing swinging as a way to enhance our already great sex life and relationship with each other. I thought that letting her do what she wanted to do with her friend would have been enough. It was always my intention to let her and the other husband, who is a good friend of mine, have a go at each other so to speak EVENTUALLY, but I wanted to be all of us, together, so we could talk about things beforehand and there may have been less chance of someone being hurt.

I would like to continue to try out the lifestyle, but now that my wife had a bad experience (her doing) she now wants no part of it. She says that her “rules” for it are that she only wants it to be with a couple that we are very good friends with (which I can see that); so I have to live with her “rules” but she couldn’t live with mine?? Now I understand that my priority is to love my wife no matter what, and I do, but I also feel as if I was shortchanged out of something that I should have been a part of. I think that the other wife was insecure because she was “left out” as well that night. There’s no guarantee it would have been perfect by any means, but maybe had I been there and we all would have had someone to play with, maybe it would have went okay, and we would all still be friends. I feel  very slighted because I want to experience this, I want to be able to watch my wife having fun with another man, and she did want me to have an experience as well. I explained to her th

Am I right in feeling how I do? I don’t hold anything against my wife except for bad judgment brought on by alcohol and a lot of sex already going on. I’m pretty upset at the other couple for using my house as a cheap hotel as well (my wife said that they fucked all over my house; this just shows disrespect for me and my furniture the way I see it).  I agree that in the situation, it would be difficult. BUT, we DID have clearly defined and understood limits. She understands this and takes all the blame. I blamed the guy for a little while, but I know that for guys it can be even harder. He had two women there telling him what to do. Just a bad situation all around, and I even blame myself a bit. I started all this talk and we all fed the fire, too bad the only person it burned was me.

So what I'm asking is: Is it reasonable that I feel shorted of my chance of being part of this experience? And in general, as an objective third party, what is your opinion on all this? Thank you for your time.

Answer
Hi there
This is a very common problem in the lifestyle.
Communication is the key, and communication the whole time the key.
When you play with others, it should only be about YOU as a couple and not the other people.
You and your partner are playing for yoursleves, and at anytime ( even if you both agreed that it was okay to start with ) either of you feel uncomfortable or get that Niggle in the tummy! play should cease!
Bryan and I have been on the scene for over 17 years and playing is simply not that important, having said that, if one of us feels that it is not about BOTH of us and becomes about the other couple or person , we stop playing straight away. It is not about THEM but about US and what we want from the situation.
Those that stay focused on others will fail in the lifestyle.
when that niggle comes in your tummy, both of you should repect eachother's feelings and both stop play. After all it is about turning you on and not one or the other.
Bryan and I find new rules everytime we play, there is no set rules that a couple can stick to, and what may have been not okay one day, may be okay the next. So communicate, dont stop talking, tell eachother what you were feeling, dont allow others to make you feel anything. They are not the ones that are important, the important person or people in the lifestyle is You and Your partner.
Hope that helps you.
Oh and there are things that a lot of couples dont like to do with other couples , maybe kissing, anal etc. That all comes down to respect between you and your partner and your boundries you have discussed.
Dont punish for a broken rule, TALK...and you will be fine.
Make the lifestyle one about YOU both and No one else, and you both will benefit from it.
Make sure she shares everything with you, and tell her if you are uncomfortable with anything, and if she respects your feelings she wont do it again, unless you both talk about it again.
Feel free to contact me again, if i have not covered it the way you wished me to.
Leesa