AboutAnalisa Expertise Questions related to Swinging i.e. Why did you choose to become a swinger, He/She wants
to but I have doubts, How to begin/get started, What is the purpose of swinging, Why
would you become a swinger, Should we/shouldn't we, Rules (Are/Aren't they needed,
What should they be, What should be non-negotiable, What can be compromised, What to
do if rules are ignored or broken), House vs. private parties, Resources to locate other
swingers, What does it mean to take one for the team
Questions we can't answer: Any alternative sexual questions other than swinging, i.e.
Bestiality, Gang Banging, anything to do with minors, B/D or S&M, toilet games, etc. We also don't feel proficient in answering in depth relationship questions, we are not marriage/relationship counselors, if we receive a question that falls into that category we will refer you to seek professional help.
Experience Over 10 years in the Lifestyle, numerous events & encounters (some pleasant & enjoyable and others that were less than)
Organizations NASCA, Good Vibrations, C4P
Education/Credentials Both of us are college educated professionals.
Question My husband and I are newlyweds, and we've been together for 4 years. We have both been pretty sexually open with each other, and have a great sex life. We are both very trusting and deeply in love, but have been unable to agree on swinging yet.
He is very interested in either a threesome (with another girl), or a soft-swap- no sex yet. However, we did a similar swap with some friends of ours a year ago on the fly without rules or talking beforehand and the situation turned out very badly (as to be expected). I felt cheated on and betrayed, and it hurt our relationship very deeply. I also developed feelings for the other man- which thankfully never turned into anything- but could've been disastrous.
Since that point, our relationship has taken a huge turn for the better, and I feel at this point we are at our highest level of trust and commitment. However, I don't feel the need to branch out our sexuality like my husband does.
We have talked over and over about my feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, and I feel that we have dealt with most of those issues. However, I cannot get rid of the question "WHY??". I just don't understand why this is something he needs to do, something he needs to experience. His reasoning is honest, in that he thinks it would be fun. I can't get the feeling out that it's about more than that, which is why I am hesitant to be apart of this...especially with our past experience roaming around in the back of my mind.
My question for you is: why can something like this be so important to him if I have hang-ups from past mistakes we've made, and how can I get over those past sour feelings so that we can go ahead with our new relationship, strong trust and love, and actually experience this together- as he wishes?? He says to me over and over that it's not about me, or the other person, it's just about the experience...and I just can't help but have a nagging feeling that it's truly about more than that. But another part of me wants to give him what he wants, because I know he loves and trusts me, and I know I love and trust him. I don't want to drag my heels if I have no reason to, but I feel like I can't do what he's wanting yet, but I don't know how to change how I feel.
Perhaps you can shed some light...?
Thanks for your time.
Answer Janelle,
For you I am going to break one of my cardinal rules, NEVER give an opinion. Because you are not really asking a question here, you are asking my opinion, worse yet you are asking my opinion about your newlywed husband . . . so buckle up.
For starters I don't feel you two should be exploring swinging right now, you two should be exploring each other and this NEW aspect of your relationship. DON'T even try to tell me that things haven't changed since you got married either because we both KNOW that is just B.S. My husband and I were together for 3 years before we got married had a similar relationship to what you describe you share with your husband BUT, things change when you get married. Take some time to explore this. We didn't start swinging until we'd been married for 4 years, we really got to know each other.
So my opinion is sit down with him, be honest and tell him you want to take the time to get to explore this new relationship you two have before you two go exploring something new together. Let you get your feet under you first before going off on something else, then maybe you will feel more safe and secure and less threatened.
