AboutAnalisa Expertise Questions related to Swinging i.e. Why did you choose to become a swinger, He/She wants
to but I have doubts, How to begin/get started, What is the purpose of swinging, Why
would you become a swinger, Should we/shouldn't we, Rules (Are/Aren't they needed,
What should they be, What should be non-negotiable, What can be compromised, What to
do if rules are ignored or broken), House vs. private parties, Resources to locate other
swingers, What does it mean to take one for the team
Questions we can't answer: Any alternative sexual questions other than swinging, i.e.
Bestiality, Gang Banging, anything to do with minors, B/D or S&M, toilet games, etc. We also don't feel proficient in answering in depth relationship questions, we are not marriage/relationship counselors, if we receive a question that falls into that category we will refer you to seek professional help.
Experience Over 10 years in the Lifestyle, numerous events & encounters (some pleasant & enjoyable and others that were less than)
Organizations NASCA, Good Vibrations, C4P
Education/Credentials Both of us are college educated professionals.
Question QUESTION: Well this is a bit tough for me for multiple reasons, but I am currently in Afghanistan. I will be here for another 6 months, and while speaking to my girlfriend, who refuses to use the word "love", but I believe in many ways does genuinely care for me, she told me she was interested in going to an orgy to which she had recently been invited. She is very sexual and wants sex when I am home on a near daily (if not more) basis. I am very open sexually when it comes to just us…but feel bringing others into the equation certainly complicate emotions.
Obviously, like everyone, I have fantasized so I can understand, but my view is that we are together for a reason. If not, then why are we not just Fk buddies...friends with benefits? It is hard to comprehend, but she says she only wishes to do it once in her life, so she can say she has done it…simple as that. My fear, though, is that she will enjoy it so much that she will want to continue doing it.
I am in the mental health career field, and try to remain open, but I am at a complete loss on this one. My perspective may be skewed from my history in a family with two parents who married as virgins and remained together for 30+ years thus far. She gets frustrated when I tell her how I feel about it, and why. But she is not as sensitive as I am (having a past hx of being abused, she has built some very real defenses). She does not understand what sex means to me...but I also have to acknowledge the self-consciousness from which my feelings are rise. Of course, she gets jealous when I talk to girls, which I use to show her how i feel but she says that she would get over me having sex with another girl if I did. I do not believe her, but saying that is calling her a liar, which just closes her off more.
She is a walking contradiction, saying she is a realist (relationships do not last), but admitting that ours is the most healthy feeling relationship she has ever had (mostly because I try so hard to listen and understand her, which may be part of my problem as well—when is enough enough?). She has even admitted it is because she knows she can trust me not to intentionally hurt her. I feel like it is going to hurt me a great deal, however, if she follows through. Just the fact that she is really wanting to go through with it is difficult enough. Add to the fact that I am getting mortared over here and seeing some of the stuff that I am seeing, and the knowledge becomes almost as bad as her doing it...
I have been thinking about my options, and it is very difficult.
I told her last night I would do my best to deal with it, but that it would be difficult...even though I want her to be happy in her life. The big difficulty lies in a simple question to which there is no real black and white answer: Do i need to suck it up and realize that the world is different today than it used to be? Or do I need to draw my boundaries and not give in on this? I almost want to just put the ball in her court by saying "I love you, want you to be happy, and think it is best that you and I part ways so you can see this thing through without my heart feeling so broken."
How many problems do you see the swinging lifestyle create for people? i am not very knowledgeable in this area...do you feel I should try to adapt to the situation or do you think from experience that people either do or dont have that in them? I like to try to remain optimistic, but I will not lie when I say it is tough on me. Can you think of any other options that may have helped couples in similar predicaments in the past?
Thank you for your time…
justin
ANSWER: Dear Justin,
I will attempt to answer *all* of your questions.
1.How many problems do you see the swinging lifestyle create for people?
The LifeStyle doesn't create problems for people, it definitely does shine a *huge* spotlight on *any/every* existing problem that a couple may have.
2. Do you feel I should try to adapt to the situation or do you think from experience that people either do or dont have that in them?
My feelings as to whether or not *anyone* adapts are directly affected by how much they have invested in their relationship (i.e. # of years of marriage, children involved, etc.)
3. Can you think of any other options that may have helped couples in similar predicaments in the past?
I usually recommend that the LifeStyle be reserved for 2 groups of people, the first being couples who have been in a strong and committed relationship for at *least* 3 - 4 years, the second being singles who have nothing "to lose" and like to party. As the LifeStyle is going to bring up every insecurity and issue a couple might be experiencing and this is not limited to the known issues (i.e. jealousy, fidelity, trust, etc.) if there is an issue of money or even 'white' lies, then these issues will come bubbling forth.
Finally Justin, I believe you already know the answer to the big question you asked since you basically answered it as you were asking and it is your emotional state (the sense of betrayal before an act has taken place, just due to what you are experiencing over there) that is keeping this situation from being black & white.
(Do i need to suck it up and realize that the world is different today than it used to be? Or do I need to draw my boundaries and not give in on this? I almost want to just put the ball in her court by saying "I love you, want you to be happy, and think it is best that you and I part ways so you can see this thing through without my heart feeling so broken.")
I will not tell you what to do. What I will do, is tell you what I feel you need. That is someone who values you for the strong, sensitive, caring, loving and committed guy that you are and can stand by you and support you during this time and this horror that you are trying to survive through.
What you do not need, is someone who is so selfish as to put their needs before yours while you are in the middle of a known war zone. If someone can do that now? Think *realistically* about what life will be like once you are back home and trying to build a family.
I hope this helps,
Analisa
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: It is so difficult sometimes being in the field of study to which we have seemingly both gravitated.
The difficulty lies in the fact that she substitutes sex for emotional connection in many regards. And though she becomes upset when I openly speak about my feelings and attempt to draw her feelings out, she lets me see quick glimpses of "her"...the true "her" and not the one who builds defensive walls to protect her from vulnerability.
I do feel a sense of responsibility, however, because whenever she wants sex, she gets it. I do enable to a very real degree, which is an issue into which I need to candidly look on my part.
So I sit here and think...wow, well that may be a very big reason for her going out and looking for other means by which she can attain some semblance of the closeness we shared when I was home. The point that I am making is that it is gray to me due to some of my actions (of course at that time I felt it was necessary to give 80% to give 20% and slowly try to bring it to 50%-50% over time). I am not her therapist though, and perhaps it was wrong for me to give so much and expect so much in return when it is fully her prerogative if, when and how she will change.
I also understand that the “selfishness” is rooted somewhere deeper, in her past and is part of that defensive wall. Regarding building a family...she never wants a family...but I try to think, not in terms of absolutes, but in terms of subjectivity (which may be one of the reasons I give in too much to establish proper boundaries). I mean, in our country culture primes us to react in certain ways to the questions in our minds and the urges of the body and I very much am fighting that thought…that perhaps I am allowing myself to fall subject to the conditioning of what is “right” and what is “wrong” when it comes to relationships when there really is no “right” or “wrong” but only what we are willing to accept…what a quandary…
Overall, I appreciate the insight and it gives me a lot to think about...especially hearing from someone who has a good deal of experience in this area.
I simply see too many people who are not mature enough for a one-on-one relationship, and the realization that adding another person multiplies the potential difficulties, brings much substance to your general guidance for a couple to not move into that territory until after 4-5 years.
One of my chief concerns is that she truly believes I have nothing to worry about and says it will be only a one time thing. The question I have, however, is will it?
Do you see many sex addicts in this arena? I would assume so, but I hate to assume.
Answer Dear Justin,
To answer the only questions I could glean from your follow-up:
Q1. One of my chief concerns is that she truly believes I have nothing to worry about and says it will be only a one time thing. The question I have, however, is will it?
A1. This is not a question I can answer, this is based *totally* on trust and knowledge of the person involved. Question for you to think about: Why can't this wait until you get home?
Q2. Do you see many sex addicts in this arena? I would assume so, but I hate to assume.
A2. You are correct, assumptions are invariably wrong. Actually, I can honestly say in all the years of my involvement in the LifeStyle I have *never* met a sex addict or heard of someone with deviant behavior being tolerated.
I do find it interesting how you can not only justify her behaviors and actions but, also lay the blame for these so squarely on your own shoulders.
