AboutAnalisa Expertise Questions related to Swinging i.e. Why did you choose to become a swinger, He/She wants
to but I have doubts, How to begin/get started, What is the purpose of swinging, Why
would you become a swinger, Should we/shouldn't we, Rules (Are/Aren't they needed,
What should they be, What should be non-negotiable, What can be compromised, What to
do if rules are ignored or broken), House vs. private parties, Resources to locate other
swingers, What does it mean to take one for the team
Questions we can't answer: Any alternative sexual questions other than swinging, i.e.
Bestiality, Gang Banging, anything to do with minors, B/D or S&M, toilet games, etc. We also don't feel proficient in answering in depth relationship questions, we are not marriage/relationship counselors, if we receive a question that falls into that category we will refer you to seek professional help.
Experience Over 10 years in the Lifestyle, numerous events & encounters (some pleasant & enjoyable and others that were less than)
Organizations NASCA, Good Vibrations, C4P
Education/Credentials Both of us are college educated professionals.
Question Greetings Analisa,
My name is Zella and I'm confused. Thank you for taking my question today. After 7 years of a beautiful and very sexual relationship with my male partner we are at a crossroad. We have shared more intimacy and sexual pleasure with each other than anyone before and he tells me I have given him a new arena for creative adventure. Many times over the years he has shared with me that he has an incredible kinky sexual appetite and is interested in exploring lots of fantasies, desires and playtime with other bodies. I have entertained the idea, teased him but have never actually tried it. Well, once for my birthday he gifted me the opportunity to be with another man while he was present and watched. He feels I never gave him the same opportunity. So, the issue comes up from time to time and gets swept under the rug. Just recently I found out he's cheated on me (ouch) having a sexual encounter with another person, well he told me it's happened on 3 different occasions with 3 different people. I want to believe him. I am asking that he no longer lies to me and MUST be HONEST. He says he is indeed in love with me and wants to spend his life with me, however if I truly love him I must accept him just the way he is horny and all, and support this part of him. He never wanted to go out behind my back, but his demons drove him to make such choices. I know I can choose to forgive him, he is only human and we all have our demons. MY QUESTION Analisa is, AM I willing to walk away from this loveship that we've created and go out and look for something else? I am a very open hearted and outgoing person who enjoys sex and pleasure, and have never tried a swinger lifestyle so how do I know I wouldn't actually enjoy it? TRUST. I can only imagine that these types of relationships require more COMMUNICATION, TRUST and RESPECT than others. He has broken my trust and my heart, but deep down inside of my soul I AM exploring the ideas of opening up to the lifestyle with him. I know it must be something I want for me not just to please him. I am considering this not out of FEAR to loose him, but out of LOVE to recreate US and have more JOY in MY life. Can we start over and recreate, recommit and grow together again, find a balance to meet both our needs? Or, is it simply too late he broke us and I must let him go out into the world to find someone just like him? Is that even possible to find one just like ourselves? Shouldn't I at least try it once before I decide to leave? Can he ever be trusted again? Looking for some wisdom from an expert.
Lovingly Confused
Answer Dear Zella,
I admire and respect the amazing person you seem to represent in your letter.
Please understand any questions I ask in my response to you are not for my clarification but to assist you to a better understanding, i.e. I do not need the answers, you do not need to respond to me with answers to these questions, you simply need to think about the questions for yourself.
So my response to you is this:
First you state, "So, the issue comes up from time to time and gets swept under the rug." and I have to ask . . . 1. How did it get swept under the rug? 2. Who allowed it to get swept under the rug?
Then he tells you 1. he's cheated 2. it's happened on 3 different occasions 3. with 3 different people 4. He never wanted to go out 5. but his demons drove him to make such choices . . . . . I am sorry but I am going to call this one as I truly see it . . . this is the biggest load of CRAP I have ever heard. This is a selfish person who refuses to take responsibility for his choices and even after dumping all of this on you and telling you the "truth" still doesn't take responsibility but blames it on "demons". This sounds like someone who should not be in the Lifestyle ever as he doesn't have control over his actions. He sounds more like a sex-addict and he probably needs professional help.
He says "He says he is indeed in love with me and wants to spend his life with me, however if I truly love him I must accept him just the way he is horny and all, and support this part of him." this is NOT love, this is another example of how selfish he is. TRUE LOVE does NOT come with conditions. IF he truly loves YOU then he would be willing to set this part of his life aside for you not the other way around. My husband & I have been married for over 15 years and on occasion have "taken a break" from the Lifestyle at either one or the others request. The RELATIONSHIP has to come FIRST or NOT AT ALL!
Whether or not you decide to try out the swinger Lifestyle is something you should decide due to an interest generated from within yourself not externally.
Additionally, only you can decide if he is someone who can be trusted again.
In parting there are a couple questions you ask that I want to address directly:
Can we start over and recreate, recommit and grow together again, find a balance to meet both our needs? Absolutely, it takes a LOT of work and commitment on BOTH sides but, I've seen it done in a few cases.
Is that even possible to find one just like ourselves? Yes, but most of the time we find people who are balances of ourselves. People who are strong where we are weak, who are smart where we are not, patient where we are easily angered, temperate where we are emotional, caring where we are apathetic, generous where we are stingy and open where we are closed.
