Expert: Michael Andrews - 10/23/2011

Question
My story starts with my husband always asking me to flirt with other men. I am 50 years old and this is my 2nd marriage.  We have been together for 6 years. About 2 years ago my husband and I started fantasying about other men in bed. Shortly after he would encourage me to  make eyes at guys in bars and clubs we would visit. I must admit some of the men that have asked me to dance or just flirted  with me has turned me on. But until this last week it always been just a fantasy. I went to Israel on a business trip while there I was hit on everywhere I went. From the old man in the lobby, to the cab driver who wouldn’t leave my hotel waiting for me to go somewhere. The last day I met a young man who sat next to me on a tour I took. I did flirt with these men because all I was thinking about was bringing stories home for my husband. Then about noon a very handsome German man 49 years old got on the tour bus and he wouldn’t leave me alone. Well, we went for drinks and after we kissed on the beach. He was good looking but even kissing him I felt nothing. While this was going on all I  was thinking about is telling my husband everything and pleasing his sexual appetite. Well, I don’t know what I was thinking but I let him come to my room. He threw me on the bed lifted my dress up and took off his pants before I could process all that was happening. Because he did not have a rubber I would not let him enter me but he did complete himself on my chest.
Well, I told my husband everything when I came home yesterday but I feel so guilty and so dirty. I feel like a whore. My husband own feelings have been like a roller coaster. This is a fantasy that we have played with but when it becomes reality it gets real, real quick. My husband tells me he loves me more today then yesterday. And I believe that 100% but I am struggling with my own feelings any help would be appreciated.  Please any ideas about how to get rid of my guilt. Today I woke up crying.

Answer
How lucky you are that you could tell you husband everything..... you must have a great relationship.
When you start to explore your fantasies the move from it being in your mind to reality is bound to have times where there is confusion, guilt and the feelings that you have done something wrong, you've made a mistake, you wish it hadn't happened, you wish it had been different, etc, etc
I believe this is true of everything in life, not just sex. When you push past your comfort zone with the desire to experience more of life, there are bound to be things that don't go perfectly. This is part of the process!
Sure, you made a mistake - but if you're going to try anything new you're going to make mistakes.
What was good about the whole experience? - focus on those things. Now move forward with your husband and look forward to a whole new adventure together. You've made a start and if you want to make some fantasies come true remember they may not always go according to plan, but they will always be learning experiences. And by being willing to accept you will make mistakes sometimes you open yourself up to the possibilities of some incredible new experiences as well.
You don't need to be hard on yourself. Make a list of all the good things that have come out of this experience and you might be surprised.
Congratulations for being willing to try something new. Very few people are brave enough to do so and ultimately they miss out on so much.
All the best,
Michael