Expert: Michael Andrews - 11/30/2011

Question
Hi, my husband and I have been together 8 years and in the lifestyle for 2. We have always stuck to our ground rules, we talk before each possible encounter to establish our comfort level and we recap after every encounter to make sure we are on the same page. We have had some great experiences. My problem is I am very unsatisfied with our selection of "playmates". We agreed to never "take one for the team". So if either of us has an objection or lacks an attraction to a member of the couple we don't engage in activites with them. Having said that it seems that any time I am truely attracted to a person, he calls the "ground rules" card and effectively ends any chance of intimate play. I am left with adequate people to engage with but none that will "rock my world". I highly suspect he does this intentionally. Talking about this with him ends in me feeling bad about questioning our ground rules. I enjoy our lifestyle but with out the oppurtunity to explore more I have become bored with it. Please advise.

Answer
Hi Lori, I don't think you should feel bad about questioning your ground rules. But I also think you need to add another - total honesty between you. Maybe really talk to your husband and aim to get to the bottom of why he is behaving this way. Perhaps he is feeling insecure if you are truly attracted to someone and is either jealous that you are probably going to have some great fun or jealous that they may be 'better' tan he is for you. You don't want to build resentment so it's important to tell him how you feel and refuse to give up until you get this sorted. You could even suggest you want discontinue the lifestyle unless you can be truly happy, because if you're bored then there is no point.
Talk to your husband - and keep talking. Don't do any accusing but say you want to get the issue sorted.
The other thing to do is to allay your husband's potential fears and jealousy. The best way is to put renewed emphasis on your own relationship; make him feel that he really is the center of your universe and that there is no way anyone else could replace him in your eyes. By doing that he may be more willing to let you have a great time with others as well.
Hope this helps and all the best!
Michael.