Expert: Guycurious - 12/29/2011

Question
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half.  Very early on in the relationship, he brought up the swinging subject.  He had done it before, although not in a serious relationship.  He is very open with this stuff and seems to have no limits.  I was brought in a very conservative way, my first marriage was also very very conservative.  We knew we came in this with 2 extremely different backgrounds.

Although surprised by how comfortable he was about this, I told him I was open to see what I was comfortable with, but couldnt make any promises.  He said he was ok with this approach, and happy I was open to try.  He assured me that if it didnt work for me, he was okay not doing anything.

Since then, we have been to club twice.  The first time we had sex in front of may people.  The second, we played with another couple, mostly girl-girl play.  We had a MMF, and soft swap with 2 other couples.  We just got back from a week at a swinging resort.  I was hesitant to go, because I didnt want my boyfriend to have high expectations.  It was my first time, and I didnt want to feel pressured.  He told me he understood and was okay with it.  He told me he would like to see me with another woman, he would like to meet people, but if it doesnt happen, it doesnt happen.  Our second day there, we had a fight because I wasnt comfortable with a couple he found attractive.  The girl was simply gorgeous.  I didnt feel right, I felt insecure.  I told my boyfriend.  He was pissed.  Pissed that I came up with a new rule.  Pissed I didnt tell him before that anybody more attractive than me was out of bounds.  So much for feeling safe to share my insecurities with my boyfriend... We got over that fight..... somehow.  I gave my boyfriend a bj on floating mattress in the nude beach area.  Totally out of my comfort zone, but I knew it would make him happy and I was comfortable enough to make him happy.  We went to the hot tub at night and played a little with another couple.  My boyfriend got a double bj from me and a very pretty woman.  After the experience, I told him I wasnt attracted to the man at all.  He was fine with that and said we wouldnt do anything more with them. We met another couple and had a soft swap experience with them, with lots of girl-girl play.  I enjoyed it.  He said he did too.  I was quite comfortable with them both.  We spent the next 2 days with them talking and having fun.  But the circumstances made that we didnt habe anymore sex with them.  We went to the hot tub on our last night at the resort.  My boyfriend was hoping to have another fun experience with a couple.  But the hot tub was very quiet and nothing happened.  

We are back from our vacation, and fighting.  To me, it seems like we have done a lot in the past year.  Some I was more comfortable with, some less.  I dont regret trying, I do enjoy the freedom spirit of all of this.  But my boyfriend wished we would have done more.  He says I keep putting roadblocks for things dont happen, I make up new rules all the time, he always has to take the initiative etc... I feel like I did a lot, and wished he would be happy.  I dont feel secure opening up with him anymore.  I dont believe him when he tells me it is okay to do just a little.  

I dont know what to do about this... my boyfriend says we just need to stop swinging and everything will be fine.  I doubt that.  If he is not happy with doing a little, how can he be happy doing not at all?  All these discussions and fights have damaged our relationship.  I dont know if it can be saved and how.  It seems like there will always be a bitter flavor to it...  It is very hard to have the feeling of not being enough.  We live together (with kids) and we are engaged.  It is definitely not an easy situation.  Any suggestion would be appreciated  (Books, counselling, time apart... )

Answer
The lifestyle is not for everyone.  Now that you have tried it you can make the decision whether or not you want to continue.  Unless both of you are comfortable participating it will only lead to trouble in the relationship.  

It took me years to convince my wife to try the lifestyle.  Like you, she was raised in a very conservative manner and the thought of the lifestyle was very foreign to her.  I had never tried it but I was very keen on the idea.  We discussed the ground rules in depth and I agreed that if she was uncomfortable we would stop.  Luckily for me she was okay with it and still is to this day !  We have seen couples arguing at the club because one person wanted to be there and the other didn't.

If you are not comfortable with being with other people then don't do it, period.  Don't do it just to make your boyfriend happy because you are just making yourself unhappy and that's not the way a relationship should work.  Participating in the lifestyle can only work if both people want to participate and the relationship is strong with good, open lines of communication.  

I suggest you sit down with him and have a open, honest discussion about what you're feeling.  Don't hold back, just be honest and ask him to do the same.  Once each of you know the others feelings you can make a mutual decision on what the next step will be.  This is something you need to resolve before the relationship goes any further. Taking the next step (marriage) without resolving this will only lead to trouble in a marriage.  

I hope this helps and please write back to let me know how you're doing.  If you want to we can chat on Yahoo IM.  My screen name is Guy_curious2.