Expert: Michael Andrews - 12/29/2011

Question
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half.  Very early on in the relationship, he brought up the swinging subject.  He had done it before, although not in a serious relationship.  He is very open with this stuff and seems to have no limits.  I was brought in a very conservative way, my first marriage was also very very conservative.  We knew we came in this with 2 extremely different backgrounds.

Although surprised by how comfortable he was about this, I told him I was open to see what I was comfortable with, but couldnt make any promises.  He said he was ok with this approach, and happy I was open to try.  He assured me that if it didnt work for me, he was okay not doing anything.

Since then, we have been to club twice.  The first time we had sex in front of may people.  The second, we played with another couple, mostly girl-girl play.  We had a MMF, and soft swap with 2 other couples.  We just got back from a week at a swinging resort.  I was hesitant to go, because I didnt want my boyfriend to have high expectations.  It was my first time, and I didnt want to feel pressured.  He told me he understood and was okay with it.  He told me he would like to see me with another woman, he would like to meet people, but if it doesnt happen, it doesnt happen.  Our second day there, we had a fight because I wasnt comfortable with a couple he found attractive.  The girl was simply gorgeous.  I didnt feel right, I felt insecure.  I told my boyfriend.  He was pissed.  Pissed that I came up with a new rule.  Pissed I didnt tell him before that anybody more attractive than me was out of bounds.  So much for feeling safe to share my insecurities with my boyfriend... We got over that fight..... somehow.  I gave my boyfriend a bj on floating mattress in the nude beach area.  Totally out of my comfort zone, but I knew it would make him happy and I was comfortable enough to make him happy.  We went to the hot tub at night and played a little with another couple.  My boyfriend got a double bj from me and a very pretty woman.  After the experience, I told him I wasnt attracted to the man at all.  He was fine with that and said we wouldnt do anything more with them. We met another couple and had a soft swap experience with them, with lots of girl-girl play.  I enjoyed it.  He said he did too.  I was quite comfortable with them both.  We spent the next 2 days with them talking and having fun.  But the circumstances made that we didnt habe anymore sex with them.  We went to the hot tub on our last night at the resort.  My boyfriend was hoping to have another fun experience with a couple.  But the hot tub was very quiet and nothing happened.  

We are back from our vacation, and fighting.  To me, it seems like we have done a lot in the past year.  Some I was more comfortable with, some less.  I dont regret trying, I do enjoy the freedom spirit of all of this.  But my boyfriend wished we would have done more.  He says I keep putting roadblocks for things dont happen, I make up new rules all the time, he always has to take the initiative etc... I feel like I did a lot, and wished he would be happy.  I dont feel secure opening up with him anymore.  I dont believe him when he tells me it is okay to do just a little.  

I dont know what to do about this... my boyfriend says we just need to stop swinging and everything will be fine.  I doubt that.  If he is not happy with doing a little, how can he be happy doing not at all?  All these discussions and fights have damaged our relationship.  I dont know if it can be saved and how.  It seems like there will always be a bitter flavor to it...  It is very hard to have the feeling of not being enough.  We live together (with kids) and we are engaged.  It is definitely not an easy situation.  Any suggestion would be appreciated  (Books, counselling, time apart... )

Answer
It appears there are a couple of things going on here that are causing conflict between you.
Firstly, usually when couples argue over the issue of swinging it is because there is a differing view on what swinging means to them and their relationship. Ask yourself what is it about it that makes you feel uncomfortable. Is it the fear that your boyfriend will find someone else more attractive? That you aren't 'enough' for him? Whatever it is, identify your feelings. You should also try to find out from your boyfriend what he feels about swinging and why he wants to do it.
Once you uncover the beliefs you both have about it, you can examine those beliefs to see whether they are actually true for you. For instance, why does your bf like seeing you with others? Is it perhaps because he loves to see you letting go and enjoying total pleasure?
Successful swinging couples nearly always have beliefs in common about their experience and, more importantly, they make the experiences about enhancing their relationship first. Adding other people is just adding spice, it's not about filling in any gaps. You need to see if you can work on your beliefs to get to the point where you both see swinging as something extra and something you do together and that you know that you both love each other so much that you want the other person to be able to express themselves sexually in a full way, but knowing the other person loves you first and foremost.
I'll be honest and say that this is not always possible for every couple. However, without it swinging will not be a pleasant experience.
The second issue seems to be about finding 'suitable' people. You've been in the common situation where your bf is attracted to the woman but you haven't been to the guy. (There do seem to be more attractive women than men in swinging for some reason). This is totally ok, and you certainly shouldn't feel you have to do anything with someone you don't click with.

What you want to do is to find couples the both of you find attractive. Discuss with your bf that it's important to you that the guy is attractive to you and that you want to find couples where you all click. This is going to take some effort and you may meet a lot of people before you find the right one, but it will be a much better experience. Why not create a profile on a swingers website (such as kasidie.com or adultfriendfinder) and start to meet couples privately as well as going to clubs. The advantage with a profile is that you get to select couples for potential compatibility rather than meeting them at random.

For a successful relationship (and swinging is just a reflection of that) you need to have shared values and beliefs. By uncovering yours and those of your bf you will be able to see what you need to work on and if indeed you are really right for each other.

In my book, "How to Turn Your Partner into a Swinger" I have some exercises and tools that you can use to uncover your values and beliefs quickly and easily, as well as other communication tools that will help the two of you create a better environment for discussion. I think it would definitely help you. It's available at http://www.becomeaswinger.com
It will show you quite clearly whether your situation can be fixed or not and what to do about it.

I hope this helps.

All best wishes to you,

Michael