Expert: Michael Andrews - 6/2/2011

Question
My new fiance was a swinger with his exwife. I on the other hand, had plain ole vanilla sex. That was all I knew, brought up conservative, never seen dirty movies, etc...VERY UNexperienced. My love, trust, and desire to please him made me be open and willing to try new things for him. In 8 mos, hes exposed me to toys, positions, games, role play, BDSM, moviemaking, etc...all new to me, but exciting because I love him! Ive evolved alot in such a short time...but its been just he and I. I thought it was perfect. I try hard to be all he wants. I told him I would never want someone else in our bed. He understood. He was done swinging. BUT THEN, last night. I was playing with my camera phone, taking pics of us...He asked if he can send one to his friend from high school. Me giving him...pleasure. "Okay" I said, cuz just my face was exposed. I had never met this guy. He came to town, our home, next thing he's touching me and both men are telling me relax, let him, please them, its ok..."WHAT? WAIT!!" I told my love Im not comfortable, I used our "safeword" but he didnt hear me??? I feel horrible today! Guilty, dirty, ashamed...He shouldve talked with me first, right? Im confused and embarrassed. Letting another man touch me? Not discussing it first? I ask questions "Was it planned? Does this mean I cheated? Whose idea was it? You shared a girl with him before? How could you let him touch me? or me touch him? Why?!?" He wont explain except that it just "happened" and got off seeing me do that to hs friend. His only remorse was that "next time" he'll find someone bigger, like him. That Id enjoy it more. "NO,NO,NO!!" I wasnt ready for this!! Disgusted being with a stranger! Im SO scared this is going to destroy me! Sexually and emotionally! All my sexual confidence is gone now. Im crying, cant eat, havent left the room, four showers and I still feel SO dirty! Hes at work. Prolly bragging to his pals. And I have NO ONE that I can confide in! My mom is my BF. Cant talk to her! My guy pals will say, "Hell YEAH Kelly!!" My girlfriends will think Im a slut?? So I dont know what to do!! I left my town and job to move in w/ him.  I dont have my social circle anymore. Im having emotions I cant define. He told his frend to come back next wknd! I dont know anythng about this lifestyle! I know that MY heart would break to see HIM w/ someone else! But it was so easy to give me away, Im thrown away. I feel worthless and cheap. Does he love me? How can that be? Passing me to his buddy like that? I need an explanation, PLEASE! He wont give me one! All the other times he respected my fears and stopped when I got too nervous to try a new thing. Why not last nite?? PLEASE help me! I need to understand, make some kind of sense of his thought processes. Am I wrong? Just uneducated? Does everyone do this? Will I ever be okay with this? Will I lose him if I refuse? I told him he shouldve communicated with me. We had a lil talk before. Maybe, if he had given me time? or ASKED me! Been comforting? Maybe NONE of it wouldve happened or maybe I would have had time to be more comfortable with the idea. IDK. Please help me!!! Going crazy.

Answer
Hi there, sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I'm sorry to hear about such a bad experience for you and that you are in such an upset state. There is no doubt your fiance has overstepped the mark in the way he has treated you and your upset is understandable. The question is - what to do from here.
In my experience, if one partner is interested in threesomes or swinging, there is definitely a right way and a wrong way to introduce it to the other partner (in fact I have written a book on this subject - your fiance should read it!). He has definitely gone about it the wrong way, by harming the trust and intimacy in your relationship.
Sometimes people, men especially, think the can coerce their partners into a sexual experience, thinking that they will enjoy it once they have tried it. This doesn't work, because of the trust element being violated, but in any event it sounds like this is what your fiance was attempting.

Whatever the reason, my perspective is that you need to define what you want in this relationship, how you see your role and whether you are willing to compromise who you are to be in it. If it were me, I would confront him and tell him you are not willing to be in a relationship with someone who is not prepared to give you the total respect you deserve. I would discuss the following with him:
1) why he wants to involve others in your sexual relationship
2) your thoughts on involving others
3) if there is some common ground/a compromise

What you want to hear is that he wants to involve others to enhance your own relationship and the intimacy you share (adding a bit of spice), NOT that he wants some variety, isn't satisfied with you, etc

If you feel he is not putting YOU and your relationship as the highest priority in your life then I think you have to make a decision: Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't put you first - thereby limiting your ability to have a truly great relationship?  If your answer is that you want and deserve the BEST relationship you can possibly have then, hard as it may sound, you should consider leaving him. I myself have done this and I can assure you the only things that have kept me in painful relationships were fear of not being loved or able to find greater love from someone else, or the fear of losing what I had.
I once got to the point where I asked myself, "Would I be willing to leave this relationship and lose everything I have to get my soul back?" I said yes and left. The pain was terrible for about 6 months but I then began looking back on it and asking myself why on earth I had chosen to be in a relationship with someone who really didn't meet my needs. And instead of being miserable I began to look forward to each day with a happiness I hadn't felt in a long time.
But I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that living in a relationship where you have to compromise your true self and you can't grow, develop and be who you are, will develop into great pain. Far better to end things sooner rather than later.
I am not saying you should leave him. All I am saying is that a strong relationship is one in which you honour yourself and know you CAN leave at any time.

Trust yourself. You sound like a lovely person an as such you deserve to be treated well, loved and adored by a beautiful man.
I would also say to your fiance that if he puts you through an experience like that again you will leave him. His reaction to that will tell you a lot.

Be true to yourself and have courage and you'll get to a happy place in your life.
Be determined to honour yourself first, then talk to him about what has happened and the 3 questions above.
I hope this is of some help and all the best to you. Do let me know if I can help any further.

Michael