Expert: Michael Andrews - 7/11/2011

Question
My boyfriend and I have been together for six years and he is the only person I have ever had sex with. About three months after we had first started dating my boyfriend had brought up swinging, since it was something he had enjoyed in his last relationship. We went so far as talking to a couple online and meeting them at a cafe before I decided it was something I was not comfortable with at that time. He completely respected my decision and didn't press the issue after that.

Recently, I have become increasingly interested in the possibility of swinging for a few reasons including a desire to more fully explore my own sexuality. However, I am also nervous about the idea.

My biggest concern is how conflicted I am about it and how to go about making it a positive experience. I was raised in a conservative household and my first sexual experience was an attempted rape, so needless to say I don't have the greatest relationship with myself as a sexual being. Because I am not sexual confident, I feel incredible ashamed of the fact that I am interested in the lifestyle. And I am afraid that if I am not careful about how I go about exploring swinging, I could end up doing more harm than good in terms of how I view myself and sex. So I guess my main question is how do we go about getting started in a non-threatening way that will promote a positive experience?

I know that when my boyfriend and his ex had engaged in swinging in the past it was with a mutual friend and his SO. My boyfriend is still friends with this guy and his girlfriend has expressed interest in me and I'm attracted to them as well. But the possibility of starting with friends worries, because if it's something I'm not interested in afterwards it could damage the friendship. But at the same time the idea of strangers scares me, because of the potential for diseases and I'm sure my prior sexual assault plays a role in that fear as well.

So, I'm stuck. I want to explore swinging more, but I have no idea about how to go forward with this. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

Answer
Hi, what you're expressing is not all that uncommon so take heart! I think you will find that once things actually start 'happening' many of your fears might just fall away. There are a few things you could do to ease yourself into it to see what your reactions are. Here are some suggestions:
1) Watch an erotic movie featuring swingers. One of the best I have seen is called "The Story of O". It is quite old (70s) and does have some whipping, etc but it is beautifully done (I think it is French) and it is incredibly erotic.
2) Visit a swingers club. You don't need to do anything, but you might find it more fun and again it will allow you to see what actually happens.

You could talk to your boyfriend about your interest in finding out more about swinging - but explain to him you want to go at your own pace and he should respect that you won't do anything you're not comfortable with.

The thing with swinging is that invariably people are extremely respectful. Not only does no mean no, but they won't judge you or think any less of you if you stop something because you are not comfortable. Diseases are actually quite rare amongst swingers (and you should insist on condoms anyway).

Swinging can be a wonderful way to explore your own sexuality and your relationship with your partner. In the context of a loving relationship, many of the fears usually simply don't materialise.

So dip your toe in the water, know you can always stop if you're not comfortable and see where it goes....you might be pleasantly surprised!

I hope this helps. For more ideas you could always check out my book "How To Turn Your Partner Into a Swinger" at www.swingwithyourwife.com which deals with many of these issues in depth.

Good luck and have fun! I hope this helps.

All the best

Michael.