Expert: Michael Andrews - 1/2/2012

Question
I am seeking some advise to deal with my hurt feelings. My partner and I have been to sex club a few times. We have never swung but played with other couples we met over the evening and both knew and agreed on.

This New Years we decided to go one more time. We had understanding of "our" rules of what was okay physical with people. I am into women and he supports my investigation of those sexual desires, however that night a couple I was not too fond of put him into a situation where the female was playing with his him and then they started touching and he became more and more loving, the same way we make love in terms of touching and feeling, I stood there and watched, completely  shocked. I know it more then likely is a communication issue as he did not ask me if I was okay with the it, but in the time he felt I should of stopped it.

Part of me felt that he should of not even started it without talking to me first. His angle is that last time things were okay with another couple so its okay with this one. Ah no!

I would of been more okay with him just getting off and not being so sensual with her.  He also feels he was helping the couple as they were new and wanted a guy involved. I had no desire for the couple and didn't touch or engage and walked away from it all. I am very hurt and torn up as all I can think about is his hands on her and his face and all the emotional bonds we have and how he could just give that to this women.

We have been fighting for three days and our relationship is on the rocks. He knows that he should of walked away and spoke to me and has been very sorry and I can't get the images out of my head and I am so hurt. I don't know if I should forgive him or break it off. I feel he should of walked away and spoke to me first not left me there standing there while he enjoyed himself with these people. He claims he has not feelings and its not the same touching way he is with me and I feel it is. I don't feel special or loved anymore.

What do you think?

Answer
There are several things going on here and feelings of jealousy can certainly arise. The issue is really how to deal with your perception of what went on and how it can help you now and in the future.
I think you need to get very clear with your husband what both of you really want from swinging and the meaning of it within your relationship. Do you believe that your husband loves you more than anyone and that he would never think of hurting you, or of being more attracted to  anyone else more than you?  Discuss with your husband why you both want to swing. What do you like about it and how does it make you feel within your own sexual relationship? Does it add some spice or does it make up for a less than satisfactory sex life? Find out what your husbands answers are to these questions as well.
Swinging is something that only really works when a couple do it together. They might not take part in all the activities together bu they need to keep the communication strong so that neither gets into a situation where they feel hurt. So once you are satisfied that your husband didn't mean to hurt you and does put your relationship first you need to establish some clear rules (which you seem to have done already, which is great) and agree together that they will never be violated.
Once you do all this I think you will be in a much better position to forgive your husband for what happened. See it as something that wan't intentional but which has a silver lining - it gives you the opportunity to face the problems it created and build even stronger foundations for your relationship.
Putting your relationship first - communication - setting the rules - forgiving and learning from mistakes. I think this is the roadmap to follow.
I hope this helps.
Kind regards

Michael