Adult Swinging/His ex is a super freak!


Hey there, I've been dating my guy who I really care for and is a great guy for over a year/year and half.  We have been dabbling ( lots of soft swapping) in the lifestyle for about the same time with him. He had dabbled in the lifestyle with his ex of 2 years ( full swaps) also. I have no problem with  a s/o still being friends with an ex but he and she continuously send naked photos to each other, skype sex with each other, she sends photos of her having sex with guys, photos of her masturbating with toys. they have emails accounts , skype accounts and tango accounts  just for the two of them. Now mind you she left him for a better life only a month before we met ( online)   to move (3000 miles away) Yes, I contemplated if we started the relationship/ asked him and no.

We did not engage in a sexual relationship until after knowing each other/on site for a month. Then dating in person for another month with 3 to 4 dates a week before any sexual contact.
Yes I  admit I snooped ( how else would I have known about the photos,videos and accounts they have). I confronted him and he told me at first that she was lonely and it didn't mean anything just a visual for him to get off! I told him that is bothers me that they have that/this kind of relationship. I have "tried" to reassure myself that it's better for him to have a cyber affair then some chicky close by. He has said that she was more open allowing a more open relationship (which I was against and gave him a chance to break up and he didn't) and yet he cheated on her. I do not believe he has cheated on me, for real! I've told him if he wanted to cheat I better get to watch! I would love to see him fuck a girl in front of me but not his ex. Mainly because they had a relationship. To watch him have sex in front of me and it just be sex I'm so cool with and he is also with me. Yet he likes to build relationships with other partners. I just want to have naughty sex and that's it!

Yet, every time I feel like she is out of our life and things are good....he fucks up! Just a couple of months ago a package came. He went into his bedroom and came out with a pair of thongs with a naughty saying on them and I gladly took them. After he went to work I was cleaning up saw the receipt and dangit if he hadn't bought 2 for her that he no doubt tried to hide on the floor of the closet! I confronted him and he said he thought  "we"  ( her and I ) would both like them...jerkface!

I took both which he just ordered her another pair and had them sent directly to her apt!
He is a good guy otherwise always wanting to be with me, making plans for us, we spend at least 5 days together, even talking of moving in together but I just can't stand  the fact that he would cut ties with her.

I enjoy our sex and enjoy sharing experiences with him in the lifestyle ( that he often shares with her the next day) and want to go all the way ( full swap) with him. Yet I feel constrcted by her, what they experienced together and  what he shares about us to her. Am I wrong for feeling this way and would you say he is cheating?

Hey Zoe!  Thanks for contacting us and giving us a chance to answer some questions for you.  If you have read over our previous replies you may notice we ALWAYS try to open up the eyes of the concerned party to the other person's point of view.  I don't think we are going to do that here.  

There is NO way that anyone would think it is ok to maintain that type of relationship with an ex, lifestyle or not.  The ONLY way that would be acceptable is if both of them were still single.  Within the lifestyle you will find that a lot of people skype, tango, trade pics etc.  It comes down to who is comfortable with what.  The people that do this aren't exes.  Friends within the lifestyle are very common, and most of them do text, talk, cam, etc.  

If you want to go full swap within the lifestyle, and leave it at that, that is perfectly fine.  Some people like to maintain a friendship, or a relationship type of connection.  By relationship definition, I don't think anyone should be falling in love, or even lust...but personal friendship connections are perfectly acceptable.  Both people MUST be in agreement on this issue.  If you want sex and out, and he wants more, the lifestyle IS NOT going to work.  All this is going to do is create an uncomfortable friction that others in the LS will pickup on immediately.

3 things MUST exist to be happy and successful in the lifestyle.  Communication.  You must discuss wants, needs, rules, etc.  Rules.  You MUST set ground rules as a couple to abide by or you are asking for a drama filled headache to erupt.  Trust.  If you have even a slight amount of distrust for whatever reason, stay out of the lifestyle until you get it sorted!

Now to get to the root of your issue.  Are you wrong for wanting him to cut ties with his ex?  HELL NO.  He is in no way, shape, or form committed to you, if he is still sexting with his ex.  Regardless of what excuse he feeds you about the lifestyle or open relationships, he is reaching for a way to stay in touch with her.  It is completely unacceptable for this type of behavior to be ongoing, especially since you have voiced your disapproval.  Being that he is hiding communications from her (pics, sexts, skype chats, etc) and hiding the fact that he is secretly buying her gifts...that is a form of cheating.  Cheating isn't always about sex.  If he feels he has to hide it, then he feels like it is wrong.

In this situation I would tell your boyfriend it is time to make a choice.  Put your foot down, be firm, and see where he truly stands.  There is no room in a healthy relationship for an ex to still be THAT much a part of his life.  There is a difference between sexting/texting strangers or someone you just met vs an ex.  There is a strong emotional bond there that he is refusing to break.

Good luck Zoe, and I hope this helps out at least a little.  If we can answer anything else for you, then by all means drop us a line.

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Jenn & Jeff


We can answer questions based on introduction to swinging, what to expect in the lifestyle, swinger clubs, etiquette, and pretty much anything else. We can offer insight based on cheaters, safe sex, and multiple partners. What if only 1 half is interested? We can answer that too.


We have been involved in the lifestyle for over 2 years, as well as Sexperts for California Exotics. We run an adult based blog, where we offer news and articles based on sexual health and relationships.


We have no educational credentials, but we do have first hand knowledge and experience.

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