Adult Swinging/Jealousy or uncertainty?


My husband of 8 years and I recently met a couple and became friends with them.  At a recent get-together, after several drinks, some innocent flirtation snowballed into the other husband asking my husband how he's feel about trading women for the evening.  My husband was stunned and wanted to speak with me first.  We are a very monogamous couple and we are very (in a good way) possessive of each other.  He and I were discussing it, and since I knew the other wife found my husband attractive (he resembles a popular TV character she is hot for) I wasn't completely shocked.  I was initially flattered that the other husband was attracted to me, and we continued discussing what this would actually mean for us as a couple.  Drunkenly I agreed, and I ended up in a heavy petting session with the other husband and he performed oral sex on me.  We probably would have gone farther but my husband had gotten ill and was unable to partner up with the other wife, and she was angry that I and her husband were having fun and they weren't, so that was the end of that for the night.

The other wife has since apologized and asked if we still wanted to give it another go.  So now we have a decision to make. I have had very few partners besides my husband and have always had a bit of a curiosity about being with other people, but I love my husband to death and would never consider leaving him.  However, and this is completely hypocritical I know, while I would enjoy the thrill and excitement of hooking up with the other husband, the visual I have of my husband pounding away on the other wife makes me more than a bit jealous.  It's ridiculous to say that I want to sleep with another person but that he shouldn't have the same rights.

I don't know if this is just me being flattered that an attractive man other than my husband has been so forward about wanting to be intimate with me, and how thrilling it was to have him touching and kissing me and groaning his arousal while doing so (which was a huge turn on).  My husband I think would go along with all this if it makes me happy, as I don't think the other wife would be okay with me doing her husband and her getting nothing out of it.  He assures me that "sex" and "making love" are different and I just can't stop thinking about all this....

Is letting my husband have sex with another woman a fair price to pay in order for me to fulfill a fantasy?  Never in a million years did I think I'd ever be in this position and this is an impossible decision to make lightly.

Heya, first let me start by saying thanks for giving us the chance to answer a few questions for you.  It is a fairly normal emotion to feel turned on, or engaged, by another person finding you sexually attractive.  The lifestyle is filled with people who have different levels of involvement.  Some people go to parties, just to watch, and observe others playing.  More of a voyeuristic approach.  Others meet up with couples or singles and add 1-2 more to their night of fun.  Some couples or single go to get involved with as many people as possible, whether it be all at once (orgy) or 1 at a time.  The level of involvement in the lifestyle is completely up to you AND your partner.  There is never a 1 way street when the lifestyle is involved.

The very first thing you have to do I ask yourself would you be willing to test the waters, so to speak.  The easiest way to do this, is to go to a party.  House party, swinger club, etc.  These are discreet parties that host anywhere from 5 to hundreds of people.  Go to a party and watch each other interact with other people and see how you feel about it.  If you are fuming with rage watching him mingle and mix with other sexy ladies, then it is not going to work.  

I will tell you a short story about our first experience and how it started.  I was an extremely jealous person.  I didn't like the fact that Jeff worked in an adult store, and dealt with strippers on a day to day basis.  He had some that would hang out and talk to him after they got off work, and even though I knew nothing would happen, I didn't like the idea.  Things changed in our life, and I started working at the store as well.  While working there a customer engaged me in a conversation about the lifestyle.  I had always been bi-sexual and was more than interested in finding a 3rd (another female) to join us in the bedroom.  I had no idea how to go about this.  He introduced me to a couple websites, and I talked it over with Jeff.  Needless to say he was surprised, but open to it.  Our first set of rules included:

1: Single female only
2: Same room only
3: Play together only
4: Never play on the first date/meet.

Not sure if that is all inclusive but, that was the basics.  Those rules got tossed out at our first party.  We didn't hook up with anyone that night, but we could have and regretted not going for it.  We kind of shot ourselves in the foot by being shy.  The next party we were invited back to a couples house to hang out, and things took off from there.   We jumped into full-swap and playing the first time we met them, without hesitation.  We just went with the flow and have not regretted it.  We became really great friends with them, and to this day still are.  

A party setting can tell you A LOT about what you are up for.  It is hard to predict how anyone will react without being put into the situation.  The best thing you can do, is create ground rules.  You MUST, MUST, MUST have a set of rules in place before attempting to jump into the lifestyle, and those rules are only breakable/changeable as a couple.  Not on an individual basis.

It is not uncommon for only 1 half of the couple to play.  I do not agree with that in general.  The reason being, to me, the lifestyle is to bring couples closer together.  To experience something together.  Not to get laid.  Your husband was ABSOLUTELY correct when he said that sex is completely different than making love.  The emotional bond you 2 share is what makes sex different than making love.  

My best suggestion: Give it a shot.  You must trust and love each other.  You must have rules in place, and you must have an open line of communication.  If you are uncomfortable with him making out with another woman, then you need to tell him that.  Don't assume you will be, without trying.  That is the best advice I can give you on that end!  Don't look at it as “letting him have sex with another female so you can have sex with someone you want to”.  Look at it as “just sex”.  That's all it is!  If you are wanting to “let him” so you can get a free ride, it will cause jealousy later on down the line.  Think it through and see if the lifestyle may be worth a shot.  Even if you only go to 1 party and decide it's not for you, at least you won't go through life wondering “What if?”

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Jenn & Jeff


We can answer questions based on introduction to swinging, what to expect in the lifestyle, swinger clubs, etiquette, and pretty much anything else. We can offer insight based on cheaters, safe sex, and multiple partners. What if only 1 half is interested? We can answer that too.


We have been involved in the lifestyle for over 2 years, as well as Sexperts for California Exotics. We run an adult based blog, where we offer news and articles based on sexual health and relationships.


We have no educational credentials, but we do have first hand knowledge and experience.

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