Adult Swinging/Need some answers...

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My boyfriend used to be a swinger. He and his ex participated in this life style. I have always felt that true love required a monogamous relationship. My boyfriend does not feel the same way. He has expressed great interest in participating again. I am having difficulty understanding this lifestyle. I'm not necessarily opposed to it but there are obviously quite a few questions bouncing around. First...if you love someone...why would you want to swing? I'm afraid the whole reason he wants to swing is so he can have sex with someone besides me. That really makes me feel quite insecure even though he has assurred me it isn't the case. And truthfully...I really don't much interest in having sex with someone else. I am fascinated by the lifestyle though and I think if we met the right couple...I wouldn't be opposed to it. I'd love to meet some great people and have a good exciting experience...but does it have to end in sex? Is there a protocol for getting to know other couples before just jumping into bed? There's so many questions...how do couples distunguish this lifestyle from their own individual sex life? How does one feel special if everyone is a potential sexual partner? I've got tons more questions but I'll start with these.

Answer
Let me start off by saying, there is nothing wrong with questions!  We have been in the lifestyle now for 3 years, and we had all these questions and many more when we first started out.  The biggest question we have come across is “How do we differentiate between the lifestyle and our love life?”  I will get to this answer a little further down.  I want to start at the beginning of your questions and concerns so I don't miss anything.

If you love someone why would you want to swing?

This question really doesn't have a definitive answer.  It will be completely different for every person you would ask it to.  Some of the many reasons could be; to make lifelong friendships, a very fun adult environment, same sex relations, sometimes people may feel as if they aren't enough for their partner and want them to be completely satisfied, other times, they just want to watch.  Swinging is not the emotional attachment that love is.  Sometimes your fantasies can't be fulfilled by your partner for whatever reason, so they seek help in fulfilling them.  The lifestyle is a group of people that have similar interests, and just get to hang out and have fun together.  It's not always about the sex, contrary to popular belief.  There is so much more to the lifestyle.

The concern you have of why he wants to be involved in the lifestyle is another very common concern.  Being involved in the lifestyle is rarely EVER because someones partner is inadequate.  The fact that he wants to include you in the lifestyle speaks volumes.  He is very proud of what he has, and wants to share it with others.  If he felt you were inadequate he would just cheat on you.  Swinging is an open door for couples.  It can be an amazingly fun experience as long as you are ready to let it be.  

Does it always have to end in sex?

Absolutely not.  Actually MOST couples prefer to get to know others before there is sex involved.  This was one of our ground rules.  Never have sex with others the first time we meet them (that rule only lasted until our second party lol).  It really is based on your own comfort level.  There is never a rule that says we must have sex with everyone we meet!  More encounters end without sex , than those that end with sex.  If you become members of swinger sites (we can recommend a few if you decide you are interested) and you find a couple you may be interested in, then send them an email and invite them out for dinner and drinks.  That is the best way to get to know someone.  

How do we differentiate between the lifestyle and our love life?

Emotional attachment.  If you find that you or your partner are becoming emotionally attached to someone other than your parter, then it is time to step back and re-evaluate the situation.  For example, we were at a club one time and a couple we were friends with was there.  She sat on Jeff's lap all night, cuddling him, and kissing on him, and I spent the entire night basically doing the same thing with her husband.  While it may appear emotional, it was not.  At the end of the night we went back to our hotel room and had amazing sex recounting the nights events. The major difference between lifestyle sex and love, is just that.  There is an unspoken love and trust that exists and is intensified by being involved in the lifestyle (usually). The way some couples prevent emotional attachments come in the way of ground rules.  Some couples don't allow kissing, some don't allow full on sex, the lifestyle is a VERY different place.  Just discuss rules OPENLY, deciding what you would be comfortable with, if you do decide to give it a shot.  While the lifestyle is not for everyone, most people do enjoy it once they are involved.

The last tip I can give you, and this is completely unsolicited. The lifestyle is about trust. Without it, you will just be miserable. You have to be able to trust each other to make the right decision. That decision can ONLY be made if a set of rules are in place. Rules come through open communication, without persecution. Communication, Trust, and Ground Rules. If you have the 3 of these, you will have a much more enjoyable experience in the lifestyle!  

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Jenn & Jeff

Expertise

We can answer questions based on introduction to swinging, what to expect in the lifestyle, swinger clubs, etiquette, and pretty much anything else. We can offer insight based on cheaters, safe sex, and multiple partners. What if only 1 half is interested? We can answer that too.

Experience

We have been involved in the lifestyle for over 2 years, as well as Sexperts for California Exotics. We run an adult based blog, where we offer news and articles based on sexual health and relationships.

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TheSwankyBlog.com ClubCalExotics.com

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We have no educational credentials, but we do have first hand knowledge and experience.

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California Exotics Sexpert

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