Adult Swinging/Reasons for swinging


My husband has always been very turned on my me having sex with another man. He talks about it whenever we have sex. A couple of months ago he organized for us to have a MMF threesome. It was ok but overwhelming at times. The other man was really nice but not responsive to my needs during sex (my husband is a much better lover). But afterwards the memories turned me on so much that sex with my husband has been awesome and plentiful ever since. We are now trying to organize a foursome as now my husband says that I have had fun with another man and he wants to experience sex with another woman. While the thought of watching him have sex with another woman turns me on, it also makes me very jealous. I feel he may enjoy sex with someone else more than me (I'm not very adventurous and quite passive in bed), even though he loves sex with me. Or that he'll have a better time than I will; it seems that the females on the Internet site are much more attractive than the males. Anyway the primary reason I'm doing this is for him and his enjoyment. He gives so much in our relationship I feel I owe him this. His reasons are that he wants to feel wanted and special by someone other than me. Are these reasons good enough to go ahead and swing?

ANSWER: Hi Kirsten,

You  indicated you are thinking of  4 some with another couple not an FFM.  The odds are that even if he is overwhelmed with the lady she will not be interested in anything other than the occasional swing because she is with her husband.  I would also say that the women on the swing sites are not all as sexy as they seem.  Careful photo selection can hide a lot of flaws.  They are rarely super models.  Even if you just ad a single lady chances are you will not have anything to fear.  I would talk with him to make sure he understands your concerns.  Then set what ever boundaries you feel you need.  Just make sure you are comfortable with the whole thing,  then have fun.

Tom Blair
Relationship Coach

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Ok, so we had our first swinging experience and it was awful. The couple were nice and we decided to go to their place after we had dinner (after meeting them for coffee) However I had an anxiety attack about it during dinner and told my husband I couldn't go through with it. He calmed me down and told me that if we cancelled we might not get another opportunity with this couple. He also said we could go for a couple of drinks and suss it out and see how I felt about it then. I thought this would probably be ok and I didn't want his to miss out on his opportunity of sex with someone else. So we went up to their apartment and I had to go to the bathroom soon after we got there. When I came back to the living room, my husband was already kissing the other woman and they had their arms around each other. It hurt to see him do this so quickly but when we went to sit on the lounge, they started making out and fondling and it wasn't long before the clothes were off and they were having sex on the floor. The other guy and I felt we had to catch up but we were both not into each other, just going through the motions  I felt I had no opportunity to suss out the situation and make a decision, that he had made it for me. And then I saw him and realised he hadn't put a condom on. I reached over and mentioned it and he didn't say anything but went back to having sex with her. I ended the night then by getting up and putting on my clothes. This feels like the worst betrayal. Where do e go from here?

Hi Kirstin,

I am sorry your experience did not go well.

In couples swinging there is a kind of rule that states no one plays until everyone is agreed.   Because this was an experience he wanted and initiated he jumped the gun by not waiting for your ok.  You should talk with him about how that made you feel.  He needs to understand.   You canít really object to him having sex but you can object to the way he went about it.  

If you want to try it again make sure he understands that no one plays until all are ok with it.   In fact, I suggest that if there is another try, you be the one to initiate the sex.  And then only after both of you ok it.  Many couples use some non verbal code to signal OK, a tug on the ear for instance.

Oh, and there are always more opportunities.  If you are not into a particular couple there will be others.
Swinging can be very exciting and tons of fun,  however,  if you are not ready it can be a real downer.

So, talk with him.  Make sure he knows how you felt.  And set ground rules if there is to be a next time.

I hope it goes better next time.

Tom Blair
Relationship Coach  

Adult Swinging

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Tom Blair


Sex coaching. Published author. Questions related to swinging and alternative sexual life styles.


Sexual Relationship Coach Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Internationally read author. Retired Educator All relationships are based on having certain needs being met. Healthy relationships are ones where there is a mutual meeting of these needs. Respect, honesty, communication are just some of those needs When those needs and others are not being met, the relationship will fall into disrepair. Together we will identify those needs and work to correct the imbalance. It is not too late, love can be rekindled. And it can last a life time.

Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator

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