Adult Swinging/Wife wants to continue swinging with the same man
QUESTION: Hello Jenn and Jeff,
I'm really hoping you can give me your thoughts on this issue i have?
Both my wife and i are 26 and have been married 3 years. My wife is stunning and when i first met her did glamour modelling, so fancying her has never been an issue for me.
I always had the fantasy of watching her with another man, and we used to talk about it and she used to laugh it off. At the end of last year she earned a large bonus in her job and told me she was going to have breast implants. She went through with it and her new EE cups looked massive on her body and she received loads of male attention when we went out, which clearly she loved.
In July, whilst we were having sex, she asked me if i still wanted to see her with another man and i said only if she wanted to, and she said we should join a swingers site, so we did. We advertised and explained our preferences and got chatting to an older couple on the site and we arranged to meet them in August. We got along and the couple, in their 40's and with money, seemed nice and the following week we went around to their house.
After a few drinks we went to a bedroom and my wife and this man couldnt keep their hands off each other and i thought 'wow i'm really seeing her with another man'. The fast hard sex they were having turned into slow long love making and i ended up leaving them to it, it showed no sign of finishing, and i went downstairs.
She was very eager to organise another night with them and since then we have seen them several times, with each time my wife and him spending longer and longer together and our latest visit on Sunday saw her run up the driveway and then they spent almost 8 hours on their own. When she finally emerged she was wearing lingerie that he had bought her.
I've asked her if we should look at other swingers but she's adamant she doesnt want to and last night she asked if i minded if she went around to see him when i was away on business because his wife is fine with it.
Is she beginning to see him as her primary sexual partner? I feel like wanting to see her with another man has created a situation whereby she has met someone that blows her mind sexually.
Your thoughts would be massively appreciated, thank you.
ANSWER: I apologize for the time frame it took for us to get back to you. We always try to answer within a day or two, but this one took some thought. We debated some issues, and bounced things off of each other for the last few days.
During our time in the lifestyle we have come across so many different types of swingers. We have found couples that are monogamous with another couple, we have found couples that are “notchers”, and we have found couples that are completely open. By notchers I mean “bedpost notchers”, or someone who sleeps with as many as possible. We have found couples that buy gifts and go on dates with other people as singles. The lifestyle is full of so many different makeups and opinions.
In your specific case I'm seeing that this as a lose/lose scenario. While I think that introducing yourselves to the swinging world is great, I think maybe you jumped in without ALL of the 3 core ingredients. 3 things you must have have to have a successful swinging lifestyle is:
Ground Rules: i.e. No gifts, No Dating, No Solo Play, etc. (These are specific for your case)
Trust: You MUST have 100% trust with each other. It seems to me that going in, you did have this.
Communication: You MUST be able to talk to each other about what you are comfortable with, and AGREE on what is ok. You can not continue in the lifestyle if you are seeing things 2 different ways.
I think judging by what we have read, that you have the right to start feeling insecure in the relationship. You need to tell your wife it is time to take a step back and review things. You need to be adamant that you need to see things changing. Tell her openly that you feel like you are being replaced. The lifestyle is something that is meant to be enjoyed as a couple (in whichever way you see fit to interpret). Some couples enjoy letting each other play solo, as long as they report back with pics and/or stories of their adventures.
Let your wife know that you aren't wanting to jump ship from the lifestyle completely (if that is the case) but you feel as there is too much of an emotional bond being formed in this current setting. If you don't confront this issue, I see only bad things coming out of it. If you continue to let things carry on as they are, hoping they resolve themselves, you are setting yourself up for disaster. I have seen couples get divorced and ½ of the couple move in with another couple. Even in your case, if it doesn't lead to divorce, it will lead to pent up feelings of angst, and animosity which will in turn ruin any semblance of a relationship you may have at that point.
The good news is, it's not too late to fix this. You just have to be firm about what you want, and how you feel.
If you have any other questions feel free to submit a follow-up and we will get back to you asap!
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QUESTION: Thank you for your response i really appreciate it.
When i was away with work, in between sending you my questions and receiving your feedback, my wife spent two full days with him. She stayed at his house, in his bedroom, whilst his wife stayed in another part of the property. I was completely unaware she had done this until i came home and asked what she had been up to and she told me she had spent two days of love making with him.
I've told her it is making me feel uncomfortable and she said that i had always wanted to see her with another man and she finally agreed to it and it just so happens the man gives her everything she needs sexually and there was always a chance something like this could happen.
She's told me that we didnt set any real boundaries when we first ment into this and she now feels she is in a sexual relatinship with him, and although she still loves me and cares for me she wants to see him on a regular basis. His wife is apprently fine with this because they havent been sexual partners for a long time and my wife is the only person he is, and wants to, having sex with.
I've obviously opened pandora's box and was clearly naive with my fantasy. I dont know where to go from here. It's telling that we havent had sex for a considerable time now and it all coincides with her seeing him more. She also told me he wants to pay for her to get bigger breast implants in the new year.
I'm really worried.
ANSWER: I am sorry to hear of the turn your situation has taken. Unfortunately it seems to me that your wife is not interested in swinging, but rather an open relationship. There is a huge difference. When we read your first email we were curious if the other man's wife was involved, since we heard nothing about her. That automatically raised some questions for us. It seems to me that they are in a crumbling relationship, but not wanting to divorce for whatever reason. They continue to live as roommates more than spouses.
The idea that this man is entertaining your wife, buying gifts, and wanting to buy her larger implants, without your permission first, says to me that he is looking for a girlfriend and he thinks he has found one. In the swinging lifestyle, it is SHARED as a couple, not just one person off having their own adventures without the spouse knowing about it.
The second man, by doing all this without first talking it over to you, is NOT a swinger. The only option you have is to end this relationship they are forming, if possible. If it continues on, you will soon be living the same life that his wife is. While your wife is off having sex and bunking up with another man, you will be wandering around in a drunken daze wondering how it all happened.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: thank you once again for your advice. last sunday i contacted the man and asked to meet up with him and he agreed. i asked him to be open and honest with me about him and my wife. he told me that he has been looking for a younger lover, a girlfriend, to have a full sexual relationship with and who he can spoil and financially look after. he said to me that the night they first had sex, when i was there, when i went downstairs and left them to it, both my wife and him knew it was something special. he said he had nothing againsr me and was sorry for the pain it was causing me. that night i spoke to my wife and said i had met with him and she said that she still loves me but she does want to be in an open relationship and she sees him as her sexual partner. An open relationship is a new thing to me, but i love her and am trying to process everything that has been said to me. i dont want to lose her and i feel responsible for this because i wanted to see her with another man. sorry for the big message. martin
I'm sorry to hear of the turn events this has taken for you. Unfortunately not everyone in the swinging lifestyle is upfront about what they are looking for and it tends to make the rest of us look bad as well.
I won't give you advice on which direction you should go in your relationship, outside of: Do what your heart tells you.
Whether you feel you want to give her the open relationship, or if you feel like you need to call it off, either way is completely your choice, and maybe something for you to take some time to mull over.