Adult Swinging/Lifestyle Question


My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months now. We have an amazing sex life and enjoy going to the nude beach and "playing" in public (we consider ourselves voyuers/ exebitionists). Recently we went to a swingers club, not to swap but to watch and play while being watched. It was an amazing experience and the people were very friendly. Afterwards though my bf was faced with some jealousy issues, though we didn't engage with another couple. I believe it mainly stemed from a fear of what could happen if I liked the lifestyle more then him and wanted to soft swap or full swap (which I don't). We tried again this past weekend and met a very nice couple. We had rules he and I established before we arrived that if we were touched by a member of the opposite sex we would politely remove their hand. We went with this couple to one of the rooms and the woman and I began to play (this we discussed beforehand and he said he was ok with me playing with another woman). I asked several times while her and I played if he was ok with what we were doing and he said he was. I don't know how to describe what happened next without being crude so here it goes: the guys were fucking us doggy style while her and I were facing each other and playing. She then grabbed my ass and slid her hand down to my bfs dick and "scissored" it between her hands. My bf came very quickly and then walked out of the room to get another drink. I followed him out and he said to me "we had rules and you broke them" which baffled me. He told me later that the woman touching him made him uncomfortable and he was afraid that I'd be mad that she did. The funny thing is that it didn't bother me and I told him that. I didn't feel threatened by her, we each had our spouse and i saw it as mearly a transactional pleasurable experience. That being said I still wouldn't feel ok with another woman sucking his dick or having sex with another man but I felt very comfortable with what happened. So my question is, do men generally have a hard time the first few experiences they have in these "clubs", does it get better for them, and what is the etiquette for making sure another couple knows what we are ok with and how not to cross any lines. Like I noticed this woman was not ok with kissing but was more then happy to go down on me.

I would like to start out by apologizing for the delayed response. I wanted Jeff and I to go over this together to try and give you the best possible answer.

It sounds like your boyfriend had a typical response of someone feeling guilty of something. He felt guilty, and thought you would be upset about her touching him, so he acted angry at you about it. Although this is a typical guilty or jealous response, it is not typical of the lifestyle and those in it. Everyone has their own experiences, and reactions to those experiences. The most important thing for you to do is have an open dialogue about what happened, how it made you both feel, and how you would like to proceed. This needs to happen after every experience, but especially those where a rule was broken. Remember that while rules should be set in stone for the evening, they can always be changed as long as you both agree on it.

As far as the proper etiquette on laying down the rules to another couple, honesty is best. Just let them know what you are ok with, and more importantly, what you are not okay with. Most couples will respect your rules, and those who don't, don't deserve the title of swinger.

For an example, our only rule is that we must use condoms for intercourse. If a couple we were interested in were strictly condom free, we don't play. No discussion, it just doesn't happen. So when talking to another couple about it, we simply say, anything goes, but condoms are a must. That opens the discussion for the other couple to let us know their rules. If they don't offer them right away, we will simply ask, is there anything you are uncomfortable with? In the future, if this happens again, I would recommend your bf simply removing her hand from him. Chances are, she will take the hint, and won't try it again. At that point, no rule was broken.

As a side note, 'no kissing' is not that uncommon of a rule. Because of a lack of communication with another couple at a party, the male half kissed me, and his wife was furious, but didn't say anything to me. They ended up getting in a fight and leaving the house party early. It was very awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved. This is why you must state any rules you have up front.

When Jeff and I first joined the lifestyle, we had a long list of rules. The more experiences we had, the more we changed our rules, until we only had the one. Communication and honesty are the most important things in any relationship, but especially in the LS. If you guys ever start to feel uncomfortable, or like it is taking a toll on your relationship, stop! Take a break and figure things out.

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Jenn & Jeff


We can answer questions based on introduction to swinging, what to expect in the lifestyle, swinger clubs, etiquette, and pretty much anything else. We can offer insight based on cheaters, safe sex, and multiple partners. What if only 1 half is interested? We can answer that too.


We have been involved in the lifestyle for over 2 years, as well as Sexperts for California Exotics. We run an adult based blog, where we offer news and articles based on sexual health and relationships.


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