Adult Swinging/cold feet and nerves/excited


I'm in a year long relationship...we are both mid 50's.  He has had a long history of swinging and has had several relationships, mostly with women that participated in his lifestyle.  He has told me many times that he doesn't 'need' that in our relationship, but he also says it would be 'hot' for him to see me with another man.  I don't understand this.  
We have lived together for almost 9 mos.  I have had no history except for having two other men 'watch' while in a short lived marriage (at the husbands insistence).  
When I have a couple of cocktails, I get more and more interested in 'talking' about my getting involved in a three some or going to the club he went to out of town. After much discussion we went to this place.  
We have gone to this club 2 times.  Neither time did we do anything but be with each other in the 'play areas'.  
He is a quiet guy and very laid back, but clever.  In the past, he just let me bring it up during hot sex talk in bed and then gently maneuvered me into a commitment to gradually getting to the point we are in TODAY.  
We are now on a website that is for swingers.  He has set us up to meet another man at a restaurant with the intention of having him come back to our hotel.  I am very nervous.  The next night we are to go to the 'club' again.  
He is getting more and more direct and moving forward towards his goal.  

He looks much older than I and has not taken care of himself weight wise.  He would not be considered attractive.  But, I adore him.  He is very intelligent, kind, and generous...a wonderful lover and we have many exciting evenings.  I frequently 'dress' for him in corsets and heels, etc...and we have 'interesting' evenings at restaurants in 'many ways'.
I look much younger than my age body and face wise (just lucky with genetics).  I love sex.  Fantasies are a major turn on.  Fantasies are one thing.  REALITY is another.  
But...I am worried about whether he may 'change' towards me after this weekend.  What if I change in his eyes?  I am wanting to someday (maybe) get married and what if I become someone else to him?

I loath the idea of getting bored in a marriage or relationship.  In all my marriages, we had sex almost every night.  I agree we need to keep things hot, but I don't care for porn on TV, etc.  
We are both insatiable.  

I have NO ONE to talk to about this.  I am very classy and my friends would be totally unable to comprehend my situation and tell me to RUN.  

Shall I bail or take the risk this weekend?  

Scared S--tless


You are the only one who can decide if you are ready for that next step. Swinging is not something that even your spouse can tell you if you are ready.  Don't be pushed into doing anything that you may regret.  If you do it, do it for you.  

One thing that shook me just a bit was the comment about being classy.  Believe it or not, most swingers are as well.  There is a lot of upper class people involved in the lifestyle.  If this is something that you "look down on" then it's best to skip it.  The lifestyle isn't necessarily something you discuss with your close circle of friends, however you would be surprised the amount of friends you make while involved.  

I am reading that you feel like he is to blame for anything going on in your relationship, and it's 100% on him.  You seem to be pointing the finger, and making excuses for why you aren't interested.  If you aren't interested, then it is best to tell him you aren't.  I understand the nerves, however this is a situation that will explode if you follow through without working out the issues you have internally.

You need to decide if this is something YOU want to do, and if so...take ownership of it, and don't blame it all on him if things go south.  If you decide to cancel this weekend, but may still be interested, tell him you want to talk about it and set rules & limitations.  If you aren't interested at all, then you need to tell him that, and not "just go with it".  

Adult Swinging

All Answers

Answers by Expert:

Ask Experts


Jenn & Jeff


We can answer questions based on introduction to swinging, what to expect in the lifestyle, swinger clubs, etiquette, and pretty much anything else. We can offer insight based on cheaters, safe sex, and multiple partners. What if only 1 half is interested? We can answer that too.


We have been involved in the lifestyle for over 2 years, as well as Sexperts for California Exotics. We run an adult based blog, where we offer news and articles based on sexual health and relationships.


We have no educational credentials, but we do have first hand knowledge and experience.

Awards and Honors
California Exotics Sexpert

©2017 All rights reserved.