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Adult Swinging/How do I get my bf to understand my relationship with my swinger friends?

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Question
Sorry for the length - here's a synopsis if you absolutely can't read the details:

I fooled around with my two best friends of 11 years 6 years ago. My current boyfriend of about one year is very uncomfortable with my relationship with them. Since they are not an ex boyfriend I can just write off, he doesn't understand swinging, and it happened so long ago, how can I help ease his insecurities about them? I myself am not a swinger and am 100% monogamous.


The long version:
This might be an unusual question for you... I met my best friend "A" in high school in 1999.  In 2003 she started dating a guy named "B" from our class. The three of us have all been close friends since then. In 2008 I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 4 years, and one night at A and B's place we drank a little too much - I knew they'd been dabbling in having an open relationship and that S was interested in women but very inexperienced, and I supported their choice. That night she asked if she could practice a little with me and having been drunk and not wanting to seem like a prude, I let her go down on me and we kissed a couple times. I wasn't really in to it (I'm quite straight) but did it once more after that, this time both of them went down on me. I'm not sexually attracted to either of them and after the second time I told them I didn't want to anymore - it never happened again. Somehow it never affected our relationship and things never got awkward - they just went right back to how they were before all that.

The next person I dated I was very open with about it all, and he didn't take it well. In 2013 I started a new relationship with "D" and while I value honesty and openness in a relationship, I wasn't planning on telling him about what had happened years before with my friends because I wanted to be able to maintain my friendship with them and my relationship with my boyfriend without drama. Well... we were at lunch one day and A texted me that they were heading to a swingers party. My boyfriend saw the text since it popped up right in front of him on the table, and he asked me about them and if I had ever been involved in any of it. I wasn't expecting to be put on the spot and forced to have a conversation about the very thing that complicated my last relationship, so I told him the bare minimum - that we fooled around twice, no other people involved, there was no actual sex, I was the receiver and not the giver, and that I ended it after 2 times. The next two days were icy between me and my boyfriend until it eventually dropped. This last November A was in town (they've lived in another state for the last 3-4 years), she came over and we caught up for awhile and she slept over because we'd had a couple drinks. Nothing sexual happened whatsoever. I'd told my boyfriend that A was coming over and asked if it bothered him, and he said "not at all, have fun" though he seemed quiet. Well, the next day he was livid because I hadn't told him she was spending the night, and he assumed we had fooled around.

This led to a massive argument wherein he accused me of withholding information and "changing my story" though the only thing I did was not feel comfortable talking about it the first time he found out, and it took a long time to get the whole story out of me. I never changed any of the information.

We worked things out and we were OK until a couple days ago when I left my email open on my boyfriend's computer and he read an email from A sent to both me and B for our opinions -it was a  youtube link to an NPR Ted Talks video where a guy explains why he doesn't watch porn anymore (it devalues and encourages violence against women, etc etc etc). We email each other somewhat frequently - interesting things in the news, asking peoples thoughts and opinions on various things, etc. B responded to the email but I read it and forgot about it, and never thought anything of it because it was 100% non-sexual. When my boyfriend saw it he again was livid, and said the email proves I still have "that kind" of relationship with them and that I haven't been completely honest and forthcoming.

Tom... I've never cheated on anyone or even come close in my life. I place a lot of importance and respect on monogamy and trust, and cheating is against my core values as a human being.

I want to keep my best friends, and I also want to keep my boyfriend, but he is so angry with me that he will hardly speak with me right now and doesn't want to be around me. He says I refuse to acknowledge how he feels and keeps asking me to reverse the roles and imagine how I'd feel in his position. The thing is, I'd feel horribly insecure if he had any kind of relationship with any of his ex's. I would want him to stop all contact immediately. But I can't drop my best friends of 11 years. Do you have any advice on how to reconcile these two relationships? I've been searching google for advice on how to deal with jealous boyfriends... none of them tell you how to negotiate this scenario. Unlike an ex, I can't just drop all contact with them because of 2 days in 11 years, 6 years before I met him. Please give me any and all advice you can think of... I'm fairly certain my boyfriend is considering breaking up with me over this.

Answer
Hi Elizabeth,

I am sorry to take so long to get back to you.  I have been working on a short E-Book, Satisfaction Guaranteed that am giving away on my web site.

I don't think he is leaving you any choice.  There are lots of boy friends there are few friends.  If he is not "The One" and he does not seem to be it, tell him that these are my friends I want to keep them.  What happened was years ago and if you cannot deal with it, I guess we are through.

If he wants to talk about it, ask him why he is so worked up over it.  Maybe there was an incident in his past that is causing him some turmoil.  But if he cannot get past something that happened 5 or 10 years ago, that is his issue not yours.

Good luck,

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Tom Blair

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Sex coaching. Published author. Questions related to swinging and alternative sexual life styles.

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Sexual Relationship Coach Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Internationally read author. Retired Educator All relationships are based on having certain needs being met. Healthy relationships are ones where there is a mutual meeting of these needs. Respect, honesty, communication are just some of those needs When those needs and others are not being met, the relationship will fall into disrepair. Together we will identify those needs and work to correct the imbalance. It is not too late, love can be rekindled. And it can last a life time.

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Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator

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