Adult Swinging/Porn Induced ED/Anxiety

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Question
Hello, so for a quite a while my wife had fantasies and dreams about adding a woman to our sex life.  So I pushed the envelope, to which she was happy to do so, we tried a swinger club, and started some online profiles.  Met with a single fem first, but I couldn't perform.  I didn't know what it was.  We then met with a couple, who were pretty cool.  And I still couldn't perform.  It was a new condom, I started no condom with my wife first thinking that would get me up, but the new condom was too small and took what girth I had away.  At that point, my worst nightmare came true.  I never wanted to be the guy who finished first and couldn't get it back up, and I was that guy.  I tried to get back in the game, but it took a while.  I had popped an ED pill earlier, and ended up popping another one when I couldn't get it back up, and still nothing.  I eventually got it back up but it wasn't what I was use too.  Plus the condom sucked.  Then at this point my mind started racing with other thoughts about seeing my wife having sex and enjoying it with another guy, who I perceived to be bigger than me.  I knew she had a little too much to drink and maybe would let her inhibitions run a little wild.  We had rules, but we didn't talk about any and everything in true detail.  It started when I felt she let him choke her.  I didn't know what to do.  I ended up performing and cumming three times that night, him once.  I enjoyed it, but my mind didn't know what to think.  

We didn't have sex again that night or in the morning, but I went home, watched porn, and had an amazing erection.  And then it dawned on me, for over 15 years of my life, I've been watching porn and masterbating.  It was nothing normal, I mean for hours I would lose time watching and masterbating.  It was to the point at times with my sexual partners and my wife, I couldn't perform b/c I had watched and masterbating to porn the same day or the night before.  And when I say masterbate, I don't mean once, it was normally 2-3 times.  

My wife suggesting I had a problem, but it was always something I thought I could control until that night/morning after.  I spoke with her about it, and said I maybe need to get some help.  And I was proactive about it, sought out a counselor, met with him about 5 times, even tried out a sex anonymous group (which I felt was too much for me), but I went through it.  He confirmed what I thought, and that it was porn induced erectile dysfunction.  I slowed my porn and masterbation use at times, though I'm still working on it.  We of course took a break from swinging, she didn't think I still wanted to proceed.  But we found a show that kinda helped us discuss some things after seeing what mistakes others were making.  It was a Playboy show called Swing.  After watching a few seasons of the show, we thought we would try it again.  We discussed more rules, what went wrong the last time, thoughts, feelings and have a better understanding now.  It did bring us closer together.

So now we have some profiles back up, chatting with a few people and met a single female.  A couple of days before we met, I hadn't watched porn, and hadn't masterbated to porn (I found out masterbation without porn or porn thoughts wouldn't hurt) and it was a great night.  I still wasn't my full self I think mainly b/c my wife and I dont' use condoms, and that was the first time I had in a while.  Now we're talking to a few couples and are setting up play dates.  One female in one of the couples  brought out a more a freaky side to my wife, now she's really into it.  Before I always felt apprehensive to bring anything about who I was chatting with or images from online of potential couples to her attention, for fear of what she might say, but not anymore.  

But now that we're about to venture into it with another couple, I get a little anxious, like an actual anxiety attack coming on.  My heart rate starts pacing, I feel my veins gorging with blood, and my head starts to hurt.  I guess I'm just thinking about that first time we were with a couple and I was never sure if it was seeing her with another guy that was bothering me or whether it was my inability to perform like I wanted to that was causing this feeling.  I want to proceed so I can know for sure, we have even talked about it.  I'm not afraid of her leaving me, but probably more afraid of not being able to perform like I know I can, whether or not his penis will be bigger than mine (and I'm not that small) and whether or not he will make her noises that she has never made with me before.  When I use to masterbate, I would always vision that night we was with the couple and I would have images of her and the other guy in my head, and I felt turned on then, I didn't loose my erection, but I don't know.  I guess I'm wanting to proceed, but cautious and scared at the same time.  Is this normal and/or have you heard of this before?  Anything that would help me to understand and get over this?  I'm also willing to YIM with someone to discuss this further.

Answer
You are not the first guy to have anxiety induced ED issues.  I've experienced it myself a couple of times.  The first thing you need to do is get control of the whole "is his junk going to be bigger than mine, will my wife make noises with him she doesn't with me, what if his wife doesn't enjoy me, etc." anxiety.  Getting yourself all twisted up thinking about this will make any guy have difficulty maintaining an erection.

You have a wife that is willing and interested in participating in the lifestyle.  You are miles ahead of where a LOT of other guys would LOVE to be.  

Now let's talk about your equipment.  There are no two penises that are built the same.  Some are bigger, smaller, thicker, thinner, longer, shorter, curve left, curve right, curve up, curve down.  That being said, your wife is going to experience sensations in different places inside because of the way another penis is designed.  She may enjoy this, she may be ambivalent, she may glancing at her watch!  You never know how the sex is going to be with the other couple but that is part of the excitement.  Let is be exciting, don't let it cause anxiety.  

Now the porn, you need to tone that down.  You are setting a world record there and this has been known to cause ED issues.  I'm willing to bet if you stayed away from it and masturbating for a week you would have an erection you could hang a towel on ;)  I'm not a fan of condoms either as they diminish the sensation for me and it does take me longer to finish but they are a necessary evil in this day and age.  If you are lucky enough to find another trustworthy couple you may be able to someday forgo the condoms.

Ground rules:  Discuss them at length with total honesty, don't hold back.  Once you have agreed to the rules STICK TO THEM.  Do not let the heat of the moment let you do something you and/or she may regret.  If your wife wants the other guy to "choke" her and you don't have a problem with it then let her enjoy having it done.  Take pleasure in knowing she is having fun.  That's what the lifestyle is all about.

I hope this helps and please write back and let me know how you're doing.  

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Guycurious

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We can answer the following type of questions: 1. My wife and I are contemplating swinging. 2. My spouse is interested but I'm not. 3. Friends of ours are swingers and have asked us to try it but we're not sure.

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My wife and I have been involved in the lifestyle for about four years now. We've had many experiences with other couples.

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Life experiences in the lifestyle.

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