About MOCouple Expertise We can answer most any question pertaining to swinging. We can not answer questions
about B&D/S&M or other fetishes. All questions must be from adults regarding adults only.
Experience We are married (13 yrs) and are active swingers with 8 years of experience in a variety of situations.
Education/Credentials We are both college educated professionals.
Question ** I never received the entire answer for this question I submitted. Only part of the answer is showing! Can you please answer again?**
My fiance and I have been together for 3 years, and have lived
together for 2 of those years. He told me before we were engaged that he did
not feel that "restricting" the relationship to monogamy was the life he
wanted to live. He said that he was interested in being a swinger. At
this time he said that he would like for both of us to be involved, but
he understands if I am not interested in this lifestyle. However, he is
still interested in the lifestyle and wants to experience it.
At this time I took it as just a fantasy and we basically ignored it.
Well, now it is in our faces, he really feels that this is the lifestyle
for him. Every time I think about his having sex and being so intimate
with another woman, it makes me really uncomfortable and hurt. It makes
me feel that I am lacking something - that he is not satisfied with me.
The problem is I want him to be happy.. I don't want to feel selfish,
like I'm taking away his chance at living life as he feels it should.
We have talked about some sort of compromise, and the only thing I came
up with was a threesome. I figured maybe if I was involved it would be
more comfortable for me. But, the more I think about the reality and
not the fantasy, the more I get unsure of this compromise.
I just don't know how we can make this work. I want to make it work,
but I have no desire to be with another man sexually (beside
fantasizing). I want him to be happy, but I want to be happy too.
Can you please give some advice, maybe some suggestions on how we can
meet in the middle? I just can't think of anything where we both can be
happy and I'm starting to look at him differently, kind of resenting
him. Please help, I don't want this to ruin our relationship.
Answer First we want to commend your fiance on being totally upfront & honest with you from the start and No ignoring this is NOT going to make it "go away".
Here is a bit of information that you might not realize, swinging is NOT about intimacy or making love. Swinging is about sex for recreation or as many guys say "Sex is just sex, making love is what I do with the most important person in the world." Men are more inclined to compartmentalize things this way.
Then we want to suggest some talking points for the conversation the two of you need to have:
Does he have previous experience or is this pretty much still in the fantasy stage?
What is your sexual orientation? You only mention you are not interested in sex with another man.
Do you two have any idea of what your ground rules would be?
Just a bit more info, there are as many different definitions & styles to swinging as there are people participating. Each couple defines the experience based on what they are looking for & their personal comfort levels. With that said here is some of the basic terminology & general descriptions:
SOFT SWAP Levels
Flirting only - maybe some kissing & fondling or watching other couples
Foreplay only - foreplay & fondling with other but, sex only with your own partner possibly in a room with others
Foreplay & Girl - Girl swap - foreplay between the couple more sexual contact between the women - full sex only with own partner
Oral only - oral sex with other but intercourse only with own partner
Each of these can build upon the previous ones depending on your personal comfort level.
FULL SWAP
Pretty self-explanatory (we strongly recommend safe sex ALWAYS)
For us personally the other people we "party" with are only an enhancement to our relationship. Neither one of us is looking for someone else or something better. We are VERY satisfied with each other & NO ONE is "lacking" anything.
We suggest totally & complete honesty when you two have this conversation, as it is the only way swinging works.
