About Jeff & Kris Booth Expertise Singles and swinging, how to get started, what to expect, dealing with jealousy, finding clubs, throwing parties.
Experience 7 years in swinging, involved with planning and presentations for several Lifestyles Conventions, author of Guide to Alternative Lifestyles, and in an article on sexuality.org, the author states we are reputed to hold the best swing parties on the West Coast.
Publications Loving Alternatives magazine, AVN Online magazine, editors of sexinreview.com, eroticguide.com, eroticuniversity.com, and we have been featured on Extra, Leeza, The X Show, Dr. Susan Block Show, KROQ Kevin and Bean show, Rouze.com, and Los Angeles magazine.
Expert: Jeff & Kris Booth Date: 10/1/2001 Subject: Threesomes
Question Hello,
I have read a few of your previous questions and commend you. I only have one problem with one of your answers; most swingers I have talked with agree that jealousy is just a insecurity problem with the person that is jealous. I have to disagree somewhat with that only because I think it is quite natural to feel a little jealous. Especially when someone is being intimate with your mate.
Sorry, not trying to purposely disagree with you. I realize you are basically correct but think it should be known that this is somewhat natural to a certain extent. But I would like to know more about it.
I'm wondering if my question is un-usual because I can't find much information on it. Here goes. I'm straight and my female mate is bi. We have done a few threesomes and enjoyed it very much. I'm 45 and never been married. My mate says she has no desire to be with another man and I truly believe her. She tends to get a bit jealous of the other women so I make sure she gets most of the attention. We have great sex together but find a threesome enhances it even more. My mate has a fairly strong desire for other women but her preference is definitely male. We have agreed to some rules to help us cope with her jealousy. We are never to engage in intimacy unless the other partner is there. We prefer to think of our threesome experience as sharing. We do live in a small town and are business owners so finding another like-minded female is very difficult. A female friend/lover whom is a swinger, suggested we go to a swingers club to look for another female to join us. The problem I have with that is, her friend also thinks we should get into the lifestyle. She thinks it's unfair that I am intimate with another women but she isn't intimate with another man. I have heard my mate tell her that she isn't interested in other males.
I'm not sure what kind of thinking this "un-fairness" is. I would think that if you were intimate with another person, it shouldn't matter what sex they are, your still having sex with someone else. In my single years I have met several bi-women who think when they have sex with another women it isn't cheating because it's as they say, "different." Curious about your thought's are this.
Thanks in advance,
Lee
Answer The issue of jealousy is a complicated one. Just how much of it is "natural" and how much is learned behviour is difficult to know.
I agree that it is a false assumption that having sex with another women is not cheating. While it may be "different", having sex with anyone when there is an agreement of monogamy for both partners is definitely cheating.
If you are uncomfortable with the idea of your partner having sex with another man, I would stay away from the swing community altogether. Many women feel that it is okay to have sex with another woman, but there is very strong societal conditioning that wanting to have sex with another man other than your husband is wrong, or makes you a slut. Many of the women I know who are very enthusiastically involved with swinging at one time felt that they did not want to have sex with another man. Interestingly, many of these women also had issues with jealousy.
It is true that many women get involved with swinging because their male partner encourages them. They often do it to explore their own bisexual desires. What can happen when they get into a sexually charged sex positive environment is that they are encouraged to be more experimental and to let go of a lot of cultural conditioning that made them deny their own desires. Once this happens, watch out. This may be why swingers often say that men get women into swinging, but it is the women who keep them in it.
Getting back to the jealousy issue, since there are an awful lot of people active in swinging, it is possible to overcome issues of jealousy. We know scientifically that when men see their mate with someone else, it can be sexually arousing and increase testosterone levels. In men, this can express itself violently, especially when that is the reaction they are taught. It can also be directed into increased sexual desire, and the body automatically gears up by increasing sperm production and motility. It is nature's way of improving your reproductive chances. From a reproductive and evolutionary standpoint, the violent reaction is the least viable and effective of the alternatives.
Jealousy in women may also be biologically motivated, but different. The fundamental issue of male domination over women has to do with the inability of a man to know for certain whether a child their partner has is actually theirs (at least, before DNA testing). For women, though, the issues are different in that what they need is a partner to help provide support in raising offspring, which is a long term commitment. Jealousy for women is probably more rooted in this, but there is still a lot we don't know about it. I do believe there is a biological evolutionary factor, but I also believe that jealousy is greatly magnified by cultural conditioning. In fact, the argument that jealousy is rooted in insecurity may be the least viable of the many explanations.
I think that if what you are doing works, then stick with it. I would not change the arrangement without a lot of thought and discussion beforehand.
