Expert: Scotto - 10/21/2007

Question
For several years now, I have had this uncontrollable fantasy of either wanting to watch my wife have sex with another or sharing her sexually with another man.  I am not gay or bixexual, for some reason I just get extremely turned on imaginig my wife as a sexual being and being pleasured by someone other than myself.  This is a fantasy that has grown in to an obsession and if she would go for it, I would really like for it to happen.  I brought it up a couple of times before, and at sometimes she has seemed turned on by it, but she has doubts about my sincerity.  She also said she thought that maybe I am only trying to get her to do this because maybe I had cheated on her.  I have never cheated on my wife and don't ever plan to.
So I guess my question is two parts:
1) How common is this fantasy of mine and should I be this obsessed with it?
2) How can I convince her of my sincerity,make her understand that this is something that completely turns me on, and want this as an enhancement to our sex lie?

Answer
The fantasy is common although I have never seen empirical studies showing specific quantifiable data.  Seeing your wife pleasured sexually is nothing new and there are a lot of couples out there that either participate in mfm's or fmf's but never do a full swap because one partner or the other has absolutely no desire to be with another person BUT enjoys watching their spouse with another person.

You need to have an open and frank conversation about what it is that turns each of you on.  You may find out that she would love to be the center of attention in a threesome with you and another man but has zero desire to see you with another woman because of jealousy issues.  Are you okay with that?  It sounds like you are.  She may be turned on with it but is concerned with other people finding out. She may be turned on with it but doesn't want to ever make the fantasy a reality or concerned that one or the other of you would not be able to handle it in real life and doesn't want to risk hurting your marriage.  She may think you are proposing the idea as a means to getting a "ticket" to be with other women.

The short answer is to have the communication to fully understand each other's positions.