Expert: Anita Roberts - 1/11/2005

Question
Anita,

Hi we tried the swinging bit one time and it did not go very well.  I will start at the beginning and try to keep it short.  First off my wife's sex drive had been very little for the last couple of years, and when we did have sex it seemed rushed and just to give her an orgasm.  She actually asked me on several occasions to hurry because she was done.  Then while I was away on an extended trip of a couple months we started with a lot of sex talk and about threesomes.  To the point that we actually talked to some single men and women online.  Then out of the blue a couple started talking to us.  We hit it off and had a lot in common online.  They were in the area and we decided to go for it.  So before I got back and with my encouragement she visited the couple and ended up having all night sex.  Three times total. Then the next day told me all about it.  A week later I came home.  I expected a sex charged woman to pick me up at the airport.  When she picked me up she kept talking about how tired she was.  It was midday but when we got home I did manage a quickie out of her.  So within the next week we only made love a few times and it was like the old times.  A week after I get home my wife and I both meet with the couple with which she had the threesome.  At this point I am interested but aggravated with my wife about the lack of attention she is giving me.  Anyway we go to a cabin for a weekend and we all have sex. My wife and the husband and his wife and myself.  We have sex almost constant for 2 and a half days.  On a few occasions I did actually get to have sex with my wife.  On other occasions I would touch her or attempt to kiss her and she would blow me off.  Continue what she was doing with him.  Now my sex with the other wife was very good but I wanted my wife.  Also on the first night my wife let the other man enter her in the hottub.  The next night she would not let me and rushed us out to go inside and have sex.  With Him was my perception.  

Now the girls did also have sex with one another and over all it was great.  My big issue is that when they left and even days or weeks later I could not wake her in her sleep to make love or even before she went to sleep.  It was like we were back where we were.  He could stroke her back with her dead asleep and she would wake up ready to go.  Of course the other wife could do the same to me.  But with my wife if she shows any interest I am always ready to go with her as well.  

So it has been a year since our experience. We have had many discussions and fights about it. She still show very little interest in me and when it happens it is to get the job done and not to make love.

The excuses I get are.
1. he was not as big as you so I could do it longer without hurting.
2. Something has been wrong with my insides(female parts) and it is getting worse.  Which of course does not explain why the had little interest in sex before our adventure.

Please tell me how to get over this.  I hope the story and issue is not to complex.  I realize now we should have worked on other issues prior to attempting this kind of fantasy.

Thanks.
Milam

Answer
Milam,

Without knowing or talking to you and your wife, this is a tough problem to solve. But I will give you the best advice I can.

Let's discuss her excuses first. You would have to be of a unique size to be too much for an aroused woman. If she is not aroused then it makes very little difference what size you are.

Has she been to the doctor with the problems she mentioned? It is possible she has a medical condition but it is not really likely since the two of you have had problems for a long time.

It is possible that the problem is a question of your techniques in love-making. You might think back and compare what you do with what the male swinger did with your wife. If the two techniques are very different then you should consider changing yours.

The other advice I can offer is that you and she get professional counseling. Your wife may have some unresolved problem with you or with marriage. I can't determine that, and I advise you consult a psychologist or marriage counselor. The problem is certainly not going away by itself.

Good luck.

Anita