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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Adultery > lost
Expert: Judith Brandt - 10/23/2008
Question
QUESTION: I have such a messed up situation!I've been married for around 18 yrs. my husband and I went to meet his cousin and her husbands family at a boat which they were staining on for a week, i didnt want to go in the first place but i did anyways, well i started drinking that morning with his sister. When it got late i guess i told him i didnt want to go was already out of it. I had taken a xanax with drinking,we'll long story short he left me on this boat i woke up the next day with the cousins husbands best friend not knowing what happened. I was stuck on this boat for the remainder of the time not knowing how to deal with what happend so i tried to act like it didnt happen and kept partying blacking out one other night and we were together again, I was confiding to him how i wish it didnt happen and how awful i felt,and the regret. They were all talking behind my back on the boat, I had noone ever come up to me and say anything except my husband might be having an affair and this idiot guy bragging and the family laughing,now i'm in this situstion even feeling worse an when i finally do get off that boat my husbands cousin and her husband drop me off and tell me they had a great time and love you. Next thing i know is people in the family start saying stuff and calling me a slut an want to discrace me and i even told his cousin that i need to tell my husband but i want to get counseling, she felt it to be her duty for me to pay, so she takes it upon herself to call her mother and my husbands mother and the whole family that i ruined the trip i was sober and i was the a cheater and she wants to write a book called the slut backwards, but they had all these drugs and there grandbaby on board smoking pot and the baby inhaling all this,but she has everyone believing this was like a church camp and it's all put on me, it's such a messed up situation I dont know how to deal with the embarrassement of what I did on top of the humiliation that she has put on me and my husband with his whole family out of hatred for me which she has always had. How do you deal with trying to explain such a mess to the ones we do care about on top of the more hurt she wants to put on my husband and I already and my two girls which should'nt even be involved in this and there's so much more,I cant even talk about, it's like the perfect storm for her and I fell right into.
ANSWER: Hello:
Do you know for a fact that something happened? In these cases, perception is reality for the most part, so even if nothing actually *did* happen, you will have a hard time proving it. But it would be good to know for your own peace of mind at least.
In any event, the main relationship here that you need to worry about (beyond what your kids think of all this) is your relationship with your husband. It is not clear what *he* thinks of all this, or his family for that matter. Since the cat is out of the bag, and you have become the focal point of his entire family's ire, you need to get right with your husband *today*. Once you understand where he stands amidst this mess, then your next actions will become clear.
It could be a matter of getting a divorce. You may need to go to counseling that you pay for yourself, independent of anything his family is trying to bully you into doing. It may be that the anger you feel towards his family is something your husband shares. There is no way to know without asking and really listening to the answer, no matter how painful it is to deal with.
Start there. Once you know just where you stand with your husband, your choices will become clearer, even if they are distasteful. Drinking and xanax don't mix, as you've discovered to your dismay. In the future resolve to be more careful when you are around people you don't trust.
Good luck.
Judy Brandt
www.the50milerule.com
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I appreciate the advice.my husband and i are on the same page about his family,he felt like he hadno family on that boat for them just sitting back not helping me, this guy also took advantage of there own daughter and even covered that up and put it all on me, so how do we tell and talk to the ones we do care about in the family that she already spread this to.my husband and I want to work it out because he knows that this wouldnt of happened if I was not drinking and in my right mind and we were having marital problems and i was asking for help but he was'nt listening at the time so he feels some of the guilt himself for leaving me. His cousins made it sound so bad which were even ashamed at how to explain tis whole thing to the ones we do care for, we are getting counseling and i am getting help for my addiction, it's unfortunate it had to get to a tragety,but when he's already hurting so bad why would his family try to hurt him even more. I just want to save my marrige and so does he.HOW can I help him to get through this, and have them leave us alone.
Answer
Hello:
If you and your husband feel the same way about his family, then just cut ties with them. What is the point of dealing with all this drama? If they are truly this toxic, change your phone numbers, move, do whatever it takes, but get these people out of your life if you have any hopes of saving your relationship, and keeping your kids free of an atmosphere that sounds very unhealthy.
Judy
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