AboutLaura Giles Expertise Marital, relationship, adultery, children out of wedlock, divorce, custody, visitation, support, co-parenting, mediation, counseling, group counseling, step-parenting, pre-marital, and reconciling issues
Experience I teach parent education classes and a group for people who are trying to strengthen their relationships in addition to providing individual counseling. I am the author of the upcoming book "The Other Child: Children of Affairs."
Organizations International Association for Regression Research and Therapies Inc
National Association of Social Workers
C. Jung Society of Tidewater
Publications The Other Child: Children of Affairs
Education/Credentials BS in Human Services Counseling- Old Dominion University
Master of Social Work- Norfolk State University
Awards and Honors National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals
Question I am a 42 yr old woman...who was married for 15 years to a wonderful man and had three beautiful children. I stayed at home with my children and honestly thought I had everything I always wanted. Until one night at a party, came across my old next door neighbor who was my biggest childhood crush and best friend growing up. He was also married to his high school sweetheart and they had two girls. We both had been drinking and before I knew it, we exchanged phone numbers. I ended up calling him. We talked, then had luch, then had another and before we both knew it, were involved in an affair. We both believed we were very much in love and eventually my husband found. This was over the course of about a year and a half. My husband was obviously crushed. So many emotions happened and before I knew it, less than two onths after the affair was found out, both our homes had been sold and we were getting divorces and I was moving in with the man I was having the affair with. After less than a year, I moved out into my own house because I was miserable, depressed and very very confused. I wanted very badly to rebuild the relationship I had with my husband, but he was involved in another relationship already. In this time, he had already lived with another woman and ended that relationship too. I tried very hard to talk with my husband (we were not yet divorced) but he was in that romance stage with this new woman.
Two years had passed and after the failure I felt tryng to communicate with my husband, I felt myself so incredibly lonely. My lover from the affair returned to convince me that he wanted to marry me and spend his life with me.
Both my lover and my myself persued our divorces and ended up getting married about a year and a half ago. I am trying so hard but feel miserable and to this day fight the memories of my past and everything I have done that has caused my family so much pain. I hate myself for hurting them all so badly. I feel so depressed and yearn for the happiness I once felt in my life. I miss my ex-husband and the "rhythm" we had for each other. I miss the life we had together. I have read books, I have taken medication, I try to talk to my family...but want to feel happy and whole once again.
I would never make the same decisions I did, and if I could would change everything. I feel hopeless and do not know what to do. I do not want to hurt anyone else, but cannot seem to "move-on" with my life. I feel like I am a stranger walking in another person's body.
Any advice you have I would love.
Answer Dear Pam,
Did you notice how you repeated "before I knew it..." Things don't happen like that. There was a logical progression from meeting, to taking a phone number, to having lunch, to having sex. That cycle could have stopped at any time had you just opened your eyes and chosen to make conscious choices instead of letting your life lead you to the next thrilling place.
Life is sometimes dull. That moderate, smooth, nothing-is-really-happening place can be unsettling for people who want to feel "happy", but you know what? Happiness doesn't come from being with this guy or that guy or having this job or that house. It comes from you. If you can learn to be happy with yourself, you will find that you can be happy with the man that you have married.
Your ex only looks good to you because of where you are. If you were back with him, all the problems you had before would still be there. Changing guys doesn't change you. That's what really needs to change.
So, my advice to you is to take some time for yourself. Find out who you are and what you want. Enjoy the things you have around you that are truly enjoyable instead of looking for things to be different. If you can change your the way that you look at your life, I am sure your attitude toward it would change too.
Live consciously and you will live the life you want instead of blindly going somewhere that you don't really want to be.
