AboutS. Kessler Expertise I can answer most any question about Adultery. I have experience in dealing with what to expect, how it makes you feel when you find out, etc. My first marriage ended after my "ex" cheated on me. I know how it feels to be cheated on and what you experience while going through adultery. I will answer any of your questions on Adultery to the best of my ability. I have extensive knowledge on this subject. How it not only effect you but your whole family (including the children). I can give you answers on how to deal with it, some of the signs a mate may be cheating, etc. All questions about adultery are welcome.
Question QUESTION: I have been married for 17 years, the first 2 years my husband was in the military and gone allot, sometimes for several months at a time. After he was out, he confessed to me that he was unfaithful several times while we were apart. I decided that I would stay because I loved him and we had a 2 year old daughter and I wanted to give this marriage and my family a chance, may I note that we were not Christians then.(We are now) While it was a lot of hard work and ups and downs we got through it and I believe that he has never been unfaithful again, he is a different man, our relationship is stronger than it has ever been. That brings me to this. We attended his 20th class reunion and he reconnected with a lot of old friends, he started to keep in touch with old friends male and female, I found some emails and text messages, they were totally innocent from these old female friends and while I feel at the bottom of my heart that he would never cheat on me again it totally triggered all of the feelings that I had worked so hard to get through. I feel as though I'm almost back to square one with my self esteem issues that cheating brings. While I trust my husband and he reassures me that I have nothing to worry about and has stopped communicating with the female friends, I can't seem to shake these feelings. He has told me over and over again that his unfaithfulness in the beginning of our marriage had nothing to do with me and that it was all him, his immaturity and selfishness that allowed him to be unfaithful, and that he is a changed person and he would never hurt me or our family again, and I believe him, so where are these feelings coming from? Did I think I was over it and I really was not? I would love some advice on how to work through these feelings, I love my husband very much and want these feelings to go away!
ANSWER: Hi Lisa~
These feelings can resurface and come back even when you thought you were over it. The reason is b/c his cheating is always going to be with you somewhere in the back of your mind. And when something happens like this it's like reopening an old wound in a sense, it comes back to haunt you, and thus you can keep dwelling on it and having those feelings once again. It's going to take some time for you to get over this. Let me reassure you though that these thoughts and feelings are very normal to go through and to be expected given what you had to endure when this happened (even if it was a long time ago, it can still seem like yesterday that it happened). You have to go through a process to reassure yourself that it's not going to happen again, and in time it can/will get easier for you. Rest assured though this is normal for you to currently go through. If you have any further questions please feel free to ask.
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QUESTION: Where do I begin? How DO I reassure myself? What is the process? I know these are a lot of questions but I am starting to get impatient with myself. I feel good for a couple of days and then I feel bad again. What should I ask of him to help me get through this or is this just my problem. HELP!
Answer Hi Lisa~
You have to get to a point where you can fully begin to forgive him. Forgiveness is the key here. You have to learn to let go and start the healing process once you've been able to forgive him for what he's done. When he started keeping contact with these former school mates, is when this brought back these old feelings and thoughts for you again. This is normal to go through. You have to be patient with yourself. I don't know if you can ever really reassure yourself to be honest. Again all of this is a very slow process to go through, with the forgiveness, the trying to get over it and move past all the hurt and pain that his infidelity caused you. When something of this magnitude happens, it can make you doubt him, yourself, the marriage, everything, etc. As time goes on this should get a little easier, but again, it's always going to be with you in the back of your mind somewhere, you're not simply going to forget that this ever happened. Rather you just learn to cope and deal with it and at the same time try not to dwell on the negativity of the past and what he did.
You will continue to have good and bad days. That's totally normal and to be expected. I think if you keep an open line of communication with your husband, and if he can give you some support in those good and bad days, that's what can help you get through it all. No, this isn't just your problem, it's both of your problem(s), you're in this together. He created the problem, and he should try to help you through the rough times (and there will be plenty more to come believe it or not). When you feel bad about things, talk to him openly and honestly about it. He needs to try to be as understanding and helpful to you as he can. If you have to, I would even recommend and even urge you to seek some form of individual counseling to help you through all this. Someone else to talk to besides your husband, who can be objective and yet sensitive to your thoughts, opinions and needs on this issue. It's really a touchy and sensitive thing for you to go through right now (and rightfully so). He betrayed you, you have to somehow figure out how to let go and move past it. Forgiveness is the very first step, you'll have to forgive him in your own time and on your own accord. I hope this has helped give you some insight on what's going on and even what to expect as you endure this. Again, if I can be of any assistance please feel free to ask any more questions. And I'll try to help you find answers to them to the best of my ability.
