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About Laura Giles
Expertise
Marital, relationship, adultery, children out of wedlock, divorce, custody, visitation, support, co-parenting, mediation, counseling, group counseling, step-parenting, pre-marital, and reconciling issues
Experience
I teach parent education classes and a group for people who are trying to strengthen their relationships in addition to providing individual counseling. I am the author of the upcoming book "The Other Child: Children of Affairs."
Organizations
International Association for Regression Research and Therapies Inc
National Association of Social Workers
C. Jung Society of Tidewater
Publications
The Other Child: Children of Affairs
Education/Credentials
BS in Human Services Counseling- Old Dominion University
Master of Social Work- Norfolk State University
Awards and Honors
National Registry of Who's Who in Executive Professionals
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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Adultery > advice
Expert: Laura Giles
Date: 4/8/2008
Subject: advice
Question
QUESTION: My husband and I have been together for 5 yrs. We met while we were both serving in the military. We both got out a couple of years ago and went to live with my parents. I went to Nursing school and he joined the National Guard. Financially, we were struggling so he decided to join Active Duty Army last year. Our marriage has its ups and downs due to the transitions that we have been through. last time we were together was 3 mos. ago and it was the best 2 wks of our lives. I dropped him off in the airport in January and tears were just rolling and he didn't want to leave for training. He is currently in Georgia for training and he has met friends who are younger. We are both 28 yrs. old and he feels that it's just hard to resist temptation and he said it's ok for him to talk to women as long as he doesn't go all the way. He told me 2 days ago that he wants to be free and I asked him if he could say that he doesn't love me and he said he couldn't say that. I am having a hard time understanding this 360 turn. He said 3 mos ago that he's not in training to fool around and that he's there for us. Now he changed his tune stating that he realized he wasted 5 yrs of his life, passing on opportunities to be w/other women. I don't know him anymore. I insisted on visiting him and said I want to see you and I want us to have fun that weekend no matter what. I found out after reading the phone bill that he has been talking to this girl and he admits that he likes to have female friends.....I asked if the girl knows he married and he's like she knows that he is in a relationship. I don't know how to deal with this situation. Pls. give me some advise. I am having a hard time letting go of the person I fell in love with and he is a different person now after 3 mos. It's all about him feeling restrained to have sex with women who he finds attractive. He is headed for an overseas duty station after Georgia. The distance before wasn't a big deal . I'm willing to move and be with him but all he is thinking right now is not being free to have sex all the way. He still says that he loves me after every phone call. I don't know what to think and do. Pls. advise. He's holding on to grudges abt our past fights but I said no relationship is perfect and we were going through a lot. I miss him. IWhat should I do in this situation.
ANSWER: Hi Madonna,
Sounds like your husband is either having an affair or is about to. So my advice is to ask yourself what you want and what are you willing to do to get it? Recovery from infidelity is very hard- especially if you aren't geographically close. It's doubly hard if it's not something that HE wants.
So, before you go moving across the country or across the world, I'd figure out what he wants. It's not worth it to chase someone who doesn't want to be chased. You will just end up older, wiser, quite likely in debt and broken hearted. But if he wants to be with you and remained married, then talk about how you are both going to get there. If it sounds like a reasonable plan to you, go for it.
I wish you luck,
Laura Giles, MSW
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: It is so hard to let go when he still bothers calling. His personality is different all the time like somebody is putting thoughts into his head. When he's by himself and not hanging out, he seems really sweet. I don't know how to let him go.....we always say the divorce everytime we arugue......he is selfish. i don't know how to finally agree and act on it. he said that's what he wants but he calls me and wants me to hang on to his stuff until later. then he flirts with other women in clubs base on the numerous calls in our phone bill w/c he doesn' tknow that i saw. i am still booked to fly out in a month. i'm scared of what will happen and that it might be good or bad.
Answer
Hi Madonna,
Your perceptions are right on target. You are exactly describing the behavior of someone who is cheating or about to. Your confusion might be lessened if you learn some more about what to expect when you are with a cheater. Marriage Builders (http://www.marriagebuilders.com) has an excellent site that explains the typical behavior of a cheater. This can help you see through his lies and excuses and give yourself more info about what's ahead of you do decide to stick it out.
This is not an impossible situation. There can be hope, but it helps a lot if he wants to remain married and the two of you are located in the same place.
Laura Giles, MSW
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