AboutS. Kessler Expertise I can answer most any question about Adultery. I have experience in dealing with what to expect, how it makes you feel when you find out, etc. My first marriage ended after my "ex" cheated on me. I know how it feels to be cheated on and what you experience while going through adultery. I will answer any of your questions on Adultery to the best of my ability. I have extensive knowledge on this subject. How it not only effect you but your whole family (including the children). I can give you answers on how to deal with it, some of the signs a mate may be cheating, etc. All questions about adultery are welcome.
Expert: S. Kessler Date: 4/14/2008 Subject: Is he cheating?
Question In the past i caught my husband on the internet chatting with other women, then he was talking to one of them on the phone when i was in the hospital and when i came out of there. He said he needed to talk to someone (i lost our baby) but it continued until one night i woke up and caught he trying to send an inappropriate picture of himself to her. I checked his phone and she has sent him pictures of her breasts. I put a stop to it and hacked into his emails canceled all his dating sites. (he has had them before we met and did not know he was still using them.) Then as far as i knew he quit until i started checking our cell phone bill, he again has had many calls on there in the early morning hours 1am 2am and 3am. I did a search on several of them and confronted him about it and he admitted to one which was a woman that he met at work (law enforcement)he said that he was helping her with a custody issue. I said ok, i'm not a jealous person and he has the right to talk to others. My problem is that i found several other numbers at those similar hours and while he is at work, i called one and she blew up on me and of course he again said he was helping her. I asked if he was then why talk to her in the middle of the night while i am asleep he again said he needed to talk to someone. I told him i am here for him to talk to (which he doesn't) his answer was that he didn't want to seem weak in front of me. Bull!!! A lot of times he just says he doesn't remember because he was drunk. Like the one woman's number i saw, again in the early hours. He says that he would not cheat on me and talking to these women is not cheating, but i think so. He is over jealous of me. I tell him when i talk to friends and i hide nothing from him, he tells me that the reason he doesn't tell me is because i would get mad. But i had no issues with him talking to that one woman with the kid issue. But i asked him then if he was talking to someone else this is the time to be honest and he swore he wasn't. He lied though because of the other woman that got all bent out of shape when i contact her. She also called him a bad name and hung up on me and told me not to call her because she will report me. I don't understand, if there was nothing going on than i would be honest and tell the other person on the line that they should not worry but when someone acts like that it makes me think. Is my instincts right? Should i worry? I hate being this way because my trust for him is gone and i check on him all the time now (cell bill) email, i have also tried to match numbers up in his work book but he conviniently forgot the one book that had all those numbers in (i had him shred all his past work books which had numbers in it.) what can i do?? Please help!
Answer Hi Krisztina~
He's lying to you and being very dishonest with you about what he's talking and doing with these women. He has no business talking to these women, let alone in the middle of the night when you're sleeping. If he'll lie to you about this, what other things is he lying to you about?
Always trust your gut instincts, as they are there for a reason, and that is to tell you when something's not quite right. You need to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. He needs to know exactly how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage.
See, a person can only take so much of something before they break. The question here is when is your breaking point? How much of this are you willing to put up with before you finally say, NO MORE?! When does enough finally become enough? Only you can answer that for yourself.
He's insulting your intelligence when he expects you to believe his cock-and-bull story that he's only just talking to these women. He's probably doing way more than that with them, he's probably meeting them somewhere. He's doing this b/c you allow him to treat you this way. He can't make you feel inferior w/o your permission. So while you can't control how he acts, you do control how you react to him (and others).
So to answer your question, yes, go with your instincts. You now have to decide what it is you want to do with this marriage, and what you want out of this relationship with him. It's a tough choice either way.
If you want to remain with him then you need to make it clear that he has to stop lying, stop cheating on you, and be willing to do whatever it takes to make the marriage work. Also tell him you want to go to marriage counseling and that this is a request it's a must if you're to stay with him. He needs to seek help for what he's doing, b/c he's behavior is wrong and simply unacceptable. And to answer your other question, yes, I think you should worry about what he's doing. If he's sleeping with these women, then he's putting your life at risk for STD's (sexually transmitted diseases), etc. You already can't trust him and you haven't been able to in quite some time. Is that how you want it to be in a marriage? You want to have no trust in your spouse, you want to have to spy on him, look at the phone records, end up following him, etc, etc. Of course, you don't. Marriage is about trust and when your spouse breaks the trust, there are consequences for it. And if there aren't, then why should he change his behavior after all?
You need to make a decision on what you want out of the marriage and how to deal with all that's going on. It's going to be a tough decision to make either way.
