AboutPastor Kimberly Lemler Expertise As an Ordained Minister, Life Coach, and Pastoral Counselor, I can help you with questions related to adultery. I was a victim of adultery in my first marriage so I understand deeply the feelings that one has in this situation. How we choose to respond to the situation is vital in our recovery. Letting go of bitterness and unforgiveness is key, and I can teach you how to do that. I have been happily remarried for 16 years.
Outside of AllExperts I can be reached at:
Walk By Faith Counseling Center
www.GodsHealingPower.org
Experience I have personal experience with a husband who committed adultery and have counseled people in this area. I have a weekly radio broadcast and also do street ministry, phone ministry,in-office ministry, e-mail ministry and have ministered on a worldwide prayerline. I am a life coach as well.
Publications Teaching CD's available on our website, GodsHealingPower.org. Look for several of our books to be published and on the website.
Education/Credentials I am a former school teacher, a graduate of Indiana University, 1984. I have received biblical instruction at Victory Bible Institute and am currently working on a PhD.
Expert: Pastor Kimberly Lemler Date: 4/21/2008 Subject: cheating husband with pregnant girlfriend
Question I got married at the young age of 19 and he was 23. He wasn't exactly the nicest person; he has a lot of personal issues with the loss his father that he never dealt with. At the age of 16 he got a girl pregnant and cheated on her and he has never been allowed to see the baby. Then at 20 another girl claimed she was pregnant by him, but after a paternity test, we discovered that the child wasn't my husbands. He was never really happy with himself; he quit a lot of jobs. I put myself into debt trying to support us. Finally, my father helped us out and helped me put him through the police academy. Everything finally seemed to be going great. We had been married almost 2 years and a little before our 2nd anniversary he says he isn't happy and he is leaving. This was a complete shock to me and I decided something was suspicious. I discovered that a girl that cleaned the police station had been following around town, giving him all kinds of attention. They began talking and he was leaving me for her. It broke my heart, I really loved him and I was so hurt. Over a course of a few months we tried working it out a couple of times but kept lying to me saying they never slept together but he loved her. I knew he was lying; he lied so much to me and to her. I began proceeding with the divorce as he wanted. About the time we had our divorce hearing his girlfriend got pregnant. Her friend called me and told me, which hurt even more. We tried for so long to get pregnant because I had trouble getting pregnant. I felt like a failure, I blamed myself for everything, and I didn't trust anyone. I dated some and he was always jealous. He didn't want me but no one else could have me. I was nice and left them alone while they were together, I sent a gift and a congratulations card trying to be supportive. After about 3 months of our divorce hearing in November, neither one of us signed the papers. After all of this I still and do love him. He started trying to be nice, telling me he still loved me. We decided to work it out for the 4th time and I started to feel like I trusted him. But he can't be honest with her, how am I suppose to feel like he is being honest with me. I tell him everything I feel and he gets irritated because he feels guilty and stressed out. He doesn't tell me how he feels or talk to me. I feel like he is so secretive. I have so much anger and hurt and every time I try to get over it, I found out they have been talking and he hasn't been telling me anything. He says it is about discussing the baby, but he would delete calls and text messages. Which is exactly what he did before? I really love him so much, but sometime I feel like I am the only working on this relationship. Some days I just want to give up and give in... We tried counseling once before but that was when he wasn't sure what he wanted. We just recently went to another one and it seemed to help a lot but his schedule is off and we haven't been in two weeks. Some days I have so much anger I just want to beat him up and I have never felt so much anger or hurt before. I don't know how to deal with all of this. I feel like I have forgiven them and then he makes me mad and realize I haven't completely forgiven them. I have been going to church since he left and I have been trying to get him to go with me, he has gone once but it he really isn't motivated to go and doesn't like me going by myself. I feel like he is hindering my relationship with God and Church. I feel like I am never going to be happy. I am miserable with him and miserable without him. I am lost, confused, and unsure if I should try to work this out with him or just end it. He doesn't want to end it he says he is trying to finally do the right thing but I have no more energy. I don't want to feel like a nag anymore or the only one working on this. I feel anger, hurt, lonely, betrayal, and so many other emotions that I can no longer hold in or try to deal with. I want us to work but I don't want to feel like this forever. Is it possible to get over all of this and trust that he won't ever cheat on me? He claims he has learned his lesson and he doesn't want to ever do that to me again.
Answer Hi Amber,
This is an up and down roller coaster ride and you certainly cannot live like this. The stress is going to wear you down and your health will suffer.
If this man TRULY wants to be in your life and to change, then he should be willing to bend over backwards to please you. He should be joyfully going to counseling with you and he should be making all of his life and open book to prove to you that he has changed. He should be going to church with you. Anything you have asked of him, he should be doing with a joyful heart. If he isn't.....then you really need to question his intent.
It's time you stepped up to the plate and started making you wishes known. You need to say, "These are the things that I want from you IF we are going to stay together. If you cannot do these things that I have asked, then____________". You need to fill in the blank. If you are willing to file for a legal separation, then do this. You must start getting a strong backbone with this man, otherwise he will step all over you..
Even if he doesn't want to go to counseling, you need to. There is a lot of anger and bitterness inside of you (understandably), but you need to work on rooting this out. If you don't, the Bible says it will hurt you. This is really important, Amber. You must talk to a pastor or pastoral counselor...
I do applaud you for hanging in there as long as you have. I would have kicked the guy to the curb a long time ago. I personally think that based on his history, he cannot be trusted. He needs help. And if he doesn't get the help, then I doubt if he will change and you will have one miserable year after the other with him.
