AboutJudith Brandt Expertise I can answer questions regarding how to cheat and get away with it. I also have an extensive understanding of why people marry in the first place, and where the urge to cheat comes from. Love is an emotion programmed to self-destruct.
Experience Ten years 'in the field', on both sides of the adultery fence. My book THE 50-MILE RULE: Your Guide to Infidelity and Extra-marital Etiquette will be coming out in June, 2002 from Ten Speed Press.
Education/Credentials I have an MBA and an MA in Education
Question I am a married man who had a 3 month affair. Fell madly in love with the other woman. Both of us have children. We were caught and had to choose. We both decided to end the affair and save our relationships....I still love my wife and children very much, but I also love my ex-lover. We created this mess and must stand through the consequences. We chose to save the relationship, but still it hurts very much. We have severed "all" contact (physical, mobile, sms). Nonetheless we still maintain some minimal e-mail contact. Just harmless communication. I believe it helps us pull through the situation. We both have forsaken our love to try to do what is right. I will never walk away from my family. They do not deserve it. Still I do not want to loose contact with my ex-lover as a friend (only some sporadic e-mails). We do not comment our feelings by email any more, we have decided to keep messages just informative. I will not meet her or see her again and it hurts a lot. Do you think I should also stop all email contact, even if it is just harmless words of support? I guess I know what your answer will be, but isn't there any exception to the rule .."break all ties"??
Answer Hello:
In the end, it's probably easier to just break everything off and be done with it. Since there's no real future to this outside relationship that you can see, there's no reason to keep up the effort.
Not that it isn't very difficult, obviously. But once you are caught having an affair, the balance of power shifts as you have only too clearly become aware. It's out of your hands and in your wife's (which is a bad place for the power in a relationship to be, btw -- you always want to control your own destiny.)
In any event, you are where you are. Sever all contact and let the past go. It will go easier for both of you that way.
