AboutSuzie Johnson Expertise Author of How to Infidelity-Proof your marriage and Forgiving Infidelity. I will answer your question about Surviving, Overcoming or Healing and Forgiving Infidelity. I deal with all 3 people involved in the unhappy triangle. The Wayward Partner, The Betrayed Partner and The "Other Person". My mission is laser-focus and can be summed up in six words..."To heal is to make happy". Thank you for your question and the opportunity to serve.
Experience 8 1/2 years of private practice and many products sold in 65 countries dealing with infidelity and sexuality for committed couples.
Education/Credentials Master of Ericksonian style of clinical hypnosis and neuro -linguistics.
Expert: Suzie Johnson Date: 4/15/2008 Subject: Is this hopeles? WHy does SHE want him?
Question QUESTION: My spouse & I were together for 23 yrs…most of that time he was incarcerated on different occasions. The last time being for 9 yrs. He was home for 18 mos and dues to extenuating circumstances and extreme stress from the household which consisted of him (an only child), his mother who’s on 3 different anti-deressants and sits around in her pj’s all day collecting disability, our married non working 21 yr old daughter and her non working husband and their 3 kids, our 19 yr old son who is following in his dads footsteps and our 11 yr old daughter. For 3 yrs before he came home this was the household situation and his mother paid ½ the mortgage, I paid all the other ½ of mortgage, ALL utilities, ALL groceries, ALL household items, on top of financially supporting my grandkids, diapers, babyfood, clothes, school supplies, etc.
When he came home it took 2 mos to get a job and he contributed some but what he’d give me to go towards house I’d wind up giving him back thru the week for BEER, gas and cigs. 18 mos later I decided I couldn’t take it anymore, he wouldn’t help with anything as far as the ungrateful disrespectful kids, nosy mother who was trying to play tug-a-war with me for his attention, who even at one point my 11 yr old called us while we were out shopping saying his mom fell on the front porch, we got home as fast as possible, took about 10 mins and she was STILL LAYING THERE face down on her stomach and didn’t even try to get her self up and who is very controlling and demanding wanting this fixed that replaced etc on a DAILY basis to the point that he’ll get mad and cuss her out.
A month before I moved his job site location changed and 2 days after being at the new site he ws working on one of the women in the office’s house doing side jobs. Turns out she was the owner of the company’s sister and this is no small comp. They do multi-million dollar jobs in their industry. He started coming home later, she was calling him at inappropriate times for an “employer” to call an employee ie: 5am, 9:30pm etc…And he came home one night telling me that this “other woman” told him she had had an affair with our cousin’s husband….I told him she sure is having some very candid conversations with you for her to be your “supervisor” and all of a sudden OUR sex life increased. For 4 nights in a row he came home and we had sex everynight and longer than usual. I asked him what’s goin on? Have u been going to strip clubs w/the guys…”no” have you been looking at magazines..again “no” Then it hit me….this woman is coming on to him and flirting with him while he is at her house supposedly working. Then I found out (and I wasn’t supposed to, my son told me about it by mistake in conversation because he was there too) that one weekend when I went out of town he spent the night at her house, and was furious that I knew and then of course claimed nothing happened. The phone calls continued and another night he didn’t come home claiming to be at a friend’s house and couldn’t drive because of drinking (never stopped him before) then I found out he was actually at her house. And again he claimed nothing happened. By now he’s not coming hom til 10, 11pm or later everynight. All the while I’m debating whether to stay or move. On Nov. 6th he called and told his mom he had to go to TN to pick up a broke down company truck. I found out he was with her and they went to KY to get her sister. The next day I went and signed the lease on an apt and moved that weekend.
We rarely saw each other, but talked regularly after that, telling me everytime we talked he loved me and missed me and all the while he is practically living at this womans house. The day I moved he helped me move, did nothing to try to change my mind or fight to try to keep me and that night was at her house and never left except to go home every so often to check on things and get more clothes. He practially moved in with this woman (he couldn’t take all the crap at the house either) then his jobsite moved to TN. On Christmas he sent me a pair of gold hoop earrings via my son and I sent them back. He bought those for me from the same jewlry store while he was shopping for the other woman. Whom he has only been with for 2 mos at this point and he’s buying her JEWELRY?? For chrismas she bought him a gps navigation sys for his truck..about $300, and a new tool box with side rails for his truck which was about $400, and clothes. Again they had only been seeing each other for 2 months spending all this money on each other.
Since then he has been to my apt several times thru out this last 6 mos and spent the night here and there and we’d have sex, he’d hug me and kiss me like he was never going to see me again and then would be back at her house. Still calling, saying I love you, miss you, think about you all the time. All the while telling me that he does not love her, she is not his girlfriend, there’s nothing serious going on yet every weekend he’d leave the job in TN and go to her house. Had the nerve to tell me that If and when I decide to settle down It will only be with you. I won’t be tied down to anybody else but you. A few mos ago he told me he was just using her because of his job, and just 2 weeks ago told me I think about you everyday and wonder if I’m doing the right thing. He sd that “she” gets on his nerves all the time, he knows that nothing will ever come of their relationship, it will never be long term And even told me “honestly I’m not even happy with the sex with her” WHY WOULD HE TELL ME THAT? I asked him IF ALL that is true then why in the hell are you with her…his response was I don’t have to answer to her, she doesn’t “20 question” me, and I guess it’s just a convience. I said it can’t be that convienient if you’re not happy with the sex. A day later he was at my house and spent the night, we had sex, 2 days after that on Firday we went on a date and it went well spent the night together again & made plans to have a Sunday family dinner, just me, him and our 11 yr old. Saturday I already had plans for a dinner date and kept them. Afterwards I went by the house and his truck was gone….HE WENT TO THE OTHER WOMANS HOUSE and took our daughter with him. I called him and busted him out, had a huge blow up and he didn’t leave there til Monday. He called me on Monday and sd I had no intentions on spending the night till you showed your butt..I only went up there to get my check stub and my clothes . Come to find out he told my daughter to bring her suitcase with her when they were leaving so that tells me he had every intention of spending the night. At that point I told him I was done. He’s playing games with both of us and I’m taking my self out of the equation. Am I fighting a loosing battle or what???
The other thing is she just got divorced 2-3 mos before they met. Her ex-husband I found out was also an ex-convict. On top of the fact that apparently she makes it a habit of messing with married men due to the fact that SHE told my him about the affair she had with his cousin’s husband. Now I’m trying to figure out WHY she wants him
1) she knows all his “drama” (me, the kids, his mama, all the turmoil in is house
2) she knows he’s a broke ass, she makes 3 times as much money as him
3) she knows he’s an alcoholic
4) she knows he’s an ex-convict and on parole
5) she knows he’s lied to her on more than one occasion (and I’ve made sure she knows about the times we’ve spent together since he’s been with her..once I even told her Don’t let him drive your truck his license is suspended…he lied and told her I ws just starting “crap” and I gave her the automated driver’s lic # to call and hear it for her self…she turns around and gives him the money to take the classes he needs and the fees to get them re-instated.
6) She can’t be that nieve.
7) she’s been married and divorced 3 times
8) she own’s her own house
9) she owns her own 07 ford truck
10) she needs no financial support at all
11) she is the sister of the owner of the company she works for
12) per my son she waves around her credit
I still love him and would do anything for him and I hate that! I use to pray to god everyday that we’d get back together…now I pray to go to help me forget him. Can you PLEASE give me some input and insight to all this, I’m desperate. THANKYOU THANKYOU!
ANSWER: Dear Gloria,
Pause for a moment, Take in a deep breath. Hold it. Now...Slowly, let it out.
You’ve ask for help. And help is here.
Let's go through this slowly and step by step .
Let me begin by saying...
I can only imagine the depth of pain, anger, despair and confusion you must be feeling in this situation. Just from reading your email, I can sense and overwhelming desire to break free from the anguish and pain you are going through.
On the one hand, you are asking:
"What does this other woman see in your man? As you’ve describe him: He's an ex-convict, he's not a financial catch, he lies, and he's not shown himself to trust-worthy either to you or to her..."
With all that you have said... It seems to me the real question is…
What do YOU see in him???
You've listed a lot of undesirable qualities in this man, that surely would scare off the average woman and yet... he's still in your life. You've had 20 years of first hand experience with him, and yet he's still in your life. You've had hundreds more reasons to walk away from him, and you still allow him to walk in and out of your life.
I wonder why this is?
You say you love him. And it surely seems as if you must. Why else would a grown woman, with as much intelligence, strength and courage ( as it takes to write that emotional email) stay in such a "low-satisfaction" relationship?
Is it LOVE why you’ve stayed? Is it LOVE why you’ve accept such poor behavior from him? Is it love, why despite all the reasons to walk away from this man, you’ve chosen to stay?
Are you sure it’s LOVE that is making you stay?
As you think about that, let me ask you one more question..
When you were a little girl, and you dreamt of life, love and romance...is this the way you pictured it? In your girlish daydreams…Did you think that "love" would hurt like this? Did you think that "love" would betray like this? Did you ever imagine that you would have to "put up" with so much?
Listen, Gloria...
I am not saying you don’t love this man. Maybe you really do. But that love you feel for him IS NOT THE question HERE.
The real question is: DOES HE LOVE YOU?
Because that's what this boils down to. In the end, people who don’t love themselves, cant know how to love other people. You see learning to love is like learning a language, you first have to learn it at home ( with yourself)
It's my opinion...
That you might very well be in love someone…who doesn’t love themselves, and thereby doesn’t know how to love you.
So asking him to love you...Is in fact, unrealistic.
Imagine this for a minute.
You know how to speak Chinese, And you travel to Germany, and you are trying to speak Chinese to a German, who speaks no Chinese. What are the chances of you being understood? Not very good right?
Well, Love is like that.
It’s a language, a connection, an energy of sharing that you either know or you don’t.
If you don’t, it seems foreign and alien to you and nothing another person, says or does will make sense to you. You can love them all you want. You can pour out your heart and soul all you want. You give them every scrap of energy you have in your body…until the cows come home.
If they don’t first love themselves, he wont know how to love. The wont understand things like…fidelity, trust, flexibility, responsibility and other things that share that common language of love. He’s might be able to receive love – but it will impossible for him to return love back to you.
Why? Because you can’t give what you don’t have.
Where does this leave you?
Well, it's a pickle for sure. The answers are easy for me to tell you, but not necessarily easy for you to do. But try anyway…
Grab a sheet of paper and write the questions down and answer them.
1.What parts of this relationship really feel like love to you?
2.Do you love him, or do you "need" him? What’s the difference?
3.If you knew for sure... that somewhere out there is a man that would be true, faithful, hardworking, funny, lighthearted and adore you from head to toe... would you look for him?
4. What is stopping you from putting your own happiness first?
5. 5 years from today... if you don’t change anything about your life and your relationship with him...would you regret?
All these questions are important for you to answer.
Notice, i am shifting the focus from "the other woman" on to you. From your love for “him” to his love for you.
The reason is... regardless of if this relationship between him and you survive, YOU still have to survive, and the only way to do that is by beginning to focus on what needs to happen for you to be happy.
Another thing I sensed…
from your email, is that you believe that by "doing whatever it takes to be with him" giving him what he wants" and by allowing him to walk in and out of your life, like a revolving door – you consider that to be “loving him”
If that’s the case..here's the reality... IT'S NOT.
Love doesn’t require you to “lose” in order to keep any one’s affection or attention . In fact that kind of behavior is more about low self-esteem than loving. And that is not an appealing or attractive trait
In other words... every time you accept "less" than what you know you deserve... you tell yourself this is all you can get. And that leads to feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem.
It’s the fear that you cant do better or than maybe you there isn’t better – that make it hard for you to walk away. Because you have been accepting the "crumbs" in that relationship for so long, you’ve begun to belief there’s no cake out there for you.
Well. Its that’s just not true. In fact life is full of wonderful surprises, and delightful upgrades. But the only way you are going to know that for sure is find out for yourself.
In other words...
You deserve to have a loving, happy, trusting, affectionate, sincere, peaceful, intimate relationships of your dreams. But you cant have it, if you are accepting a “substitute” in its place.
Now, I've said a lot (probably more than you were expecting) and I've given you an assignment – 5 questions to guide you.
My final thoughts...
Love doesn’t hurt. It heals. Love doesn’t require some one “to lose” so than another might gain. LOVE IS more than a feeling, it’s actions, words, thoughts, & energy.
Does this make sense?
Here are two more important question to ask yourself:
DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF? ( if you do, then don’t you want the best?)
Then question # 2 becomes: IS THE BEST RELATIONHSIP FOR YOU?
The answer to those two question, will lead you down a path to relationship heaven on earth, or to relationship hell. Either way you let the LOVE you feel for yourself decide.
Gratefully,
SuzieJ
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: When you have a spare minute...just out of curiosity & since you have experience dealing with all 3 people involved including the "other person"...what is your OPINION on the other person's involvement & reasoning in this situation? Thanks again!! You're awsome!
Answer Dear Gloria,
Another good question.
Since, I don’t know the situation personally, I can only share some general insights.
What I can tell you about the other woman is this:
1.They fall in love just like everybody else. In the beginning, they don’t see ( or believe) of the negative qualities of person they are having an affair with. This stage is called “the emotional fog”. Even when all the signs are right in front of them: the lies, the conflicting stories, the evidence he proof - They refuse to believe any of it. Instead, they are infatuated with the “fantasy”
It’s not advisable to waste your time confronting them or trying to convince that he’s a no-good, lying cheating’ type. Nothing you say/or do will convince them otherwise. They are caught up emotions. They will not listen to logic. ( plus if he was so bad…why are YOU fighting to keep him???)
2. Another common thing is…to remember your wayward partner is probably feeding her a lot of misleading information. Why do I know this? Because the only way to get someone to be attracted to you is to tell them/show only your best side.
In other words… there is NO WAY he is showing her the “real him”.
Also, It's not unusual for a wayward partner make themselves out to be the innocent person who is in a bad relationship and just staying in it for the sake of the kids.
Ten chances to one, the stories that he is telling her would shock and amaze you.
For example many wayward spouses tell their mistress - how they have been out of love with their wives for a long time -but stuck it out for the kids ( this makes them look like a "hero" a long suffering husband that puts the needs of his children above his own personal needs) another common story is " She's not strong enough to make it without me" or "she doesn’t understand me" or She refuses to have sex with me'
Truth is… We don’t know exactly what he’s saying to her… but one thing you can be sure of its not the truth . So rather than hating her, or being intimidated by her… doesn’t this make you feel sorry for her?
3.And here’s another sneaky thing a lot of wayward partners do…
They set up a sublte “mental” competition between the mistress and wife.
This is an ingenious act of manipulation. But what shocking is how well woman fall for it.
Here how it goes…
When they are with the mistress they drop hints, make subtle comparison that put down the primary partner and inadvertently "build up" the new mistress.
For example they might say something like... my wife never does X, or my wife never watch football, or my wife never wears sexy underwear etc...
Now, if the mistress has low self esteem ( and it sounds like she does if as you say she is buying his affections via credit cards etc) then that trick will work on her. It will boost her ego for a while to feel temporarily like she has the upper hand.
On the other hand,
When he is with the primary partner he says things like…
I don’t love her, I am only with her because of X. She doesn’t love me like you do…
Are you seeing the warped thinking here?
What’s happening is a psychological manipulation technique that shifts the focus off of him.
It sets it up so that the two women are focused on what each other is doing/comparing themselves to each other – NEVER once stopping to think… wait a minute…
If he’s saying this about HER behind her back, chances are he doing the same thing behind my back.
Please don’t fall for this tactic.
One more common justification she might have doing what she is doing is that some how he’s convinced her that you’re the one to blame for all his problems
She might be telling her self: He’s really a good guy – if it wasn’t for problems with his marriage.
She might even believe he’s being taken him for granted at home, therefore you don’t deserve him.
This is often times the most common justification for poaching on a man from another woman. In her mind she might thinks: IF she really wanted him, she wouldn’t be criticizing/ignoring his needs/ or letting her self go..."
You see the warped reasoning? Unfortunately many women fall for this crap.
Seriously…how can you compare a 23 yr relationship with one that just started last week?
The reality is... IF she has gone through what you have gone through, borne the pains, trials, ups and downs of the relationship as you have - she wouldn’t being doing anything differently that you have.
Doesn’t make sense does it?
Gloria my concern is not for the other woman. Because if it wasn’t your man she was poaching, she'd be poaching someone else's .
My concern is for YOU. And the fact that you have made HER your primary focus. Takes away the focus from the real issues. Please don’t make this mistake.
It's the most common mistake betrayed partners make.
Don’t fall for that trap. Shift the focus back onto yourself. Take care of you first. Hold your head high. You have nothing to feel guilty for. You have nothing to compete for. You don’t need to explain yoursel to anyone.
The bottom-line is this...
Regardless of whether or not your relationship with him survives YOU still have to survive. You cannot begin to do that until you shift the focus off the other woman - and back to you.
Please…
Don’t waste your time trying to figure what SHE wants or what SHE is doing ( that's a trick to keep you from moving on) Instead, place your focus on what YOU want, what YOU are doing.
Remember, Gloria...
The most significant thing you can accomplish in your life... is YOUR OWN HAPPINESS.
