About David Rhodes Expertise Questions related to adultery, abuse, broken relationships. Counselor since 1991 and I have seen and heard just about every story ever told about adultery. First, there is no such thing as just an "emotional affair". "Forsake all others" should mean something. Secondly, the rebuilding a marriage marred by adultery can be stronger, more loving, and fulfilling than you ever imagined. Happiness and peace can be yours once again.
Experience Counselor since 1991 specializing in marital.
Organizations American Psychological Association
National Christian Counselors Association
Education/Credentials Bachelors - Ashland University, Ashland, Ohio
MBA - Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, Ohio
PhD - Freedom Bible College, Rogers, Arkansas (under study)
Past/Present Clients Volunteer in "Marriage" category
Expert: David Rhodes Date: 4/8/2008 Subject: infidelity
Question QUESTION: Hi David,
My husband and I have been married for almost three years and together for 9. It has been an up and down relationship.
My husband came from a childhood where there was both emotional and physical abuse. His mother was manipulative and controlling and his father an alcoholic and was unfaithful. This has had an impact on him and he has done alot of work to deal with these issues.
After we got married I fell pregnant straight away and not long after things began to change. We seemed to lose each other and everything became more important, we didn't know how to communicate. I would make everything all his fault(I see that now) and would attack and put him down, because I believed he didn't meet my needs. While this was one half and realised I did not meet his. After our first child was born he had a one night stand. He did confess this to me but I told him to get out. I reacted on emotion and we decided to go to a counsellor who really did nothing when I look back in hindsight. So while things were good at times, they were also bad and I continued to make him 'pay' again degrading him and always blaming him without looking at me.
After our second child was born 13 months later, he again had a one night stand, which he confessed to.
This has led to our separation.
I am seeing a psychotherapist, as is he for our separate issues. I need to accept my responsibility for where I went wrong in the marriage. I realise alot of mine comes from my identifiaction of how things were in my childhood family. I also bought my mother into my marriage all the time so we would gang up on him.
I love him dearly and I know he loves me and we both want this marriage for us and our children, but is there hope?? Can we get this back on the right track?? My family are disgusted that I would take him back when he did it to me twice and this has caused alot of tension, some of my family members won't even talk to me because they say you just don't accept that, but I don't feel I am accepting that, we are living apart. They just can't see or understand why it is just not that easy fro me to throw it all away.
I worry about what people think, particularly my family and friends and I tend to be led by this.
They have made me see they trying to reconcile is wrong, am I wrong???
They say once a cheater, always a cheater and you hear this so often, that you wonder if it will change.
I would love your advice on whether our marriage can be salvaged, and can we move past this to trust again or is it a lost cause as most people seem to think.
Thanks for your help
Kylie
ANSWER: Hello Kylie - thank you for writing.
Yes, your marriage can be salvaged and I hope you do.
The most powerful thing the two of you can do is to reconcile and rebuild this marriage. And don't worry about what your family says at this point. When they see you happy and fulfilled, that will mean more to them than the pain of infidelity.
Here are some steps you need to take;
1. He needs to accept full responsibility for his actions and apologize to you (sounds like this is done).
2. He needs to answer any question you have about the infidelity.
3. You need to reach a point at which your love for him and desire to save the marriage overcomes the pain of the infidelity. That takes time and guidance. It sounds like you are getting guidance from a counselor so at this point, I would ask that you be patient and give this process time.
A marriage does not run into trouble overnight and will not be healed overnight. Please be patient and give it time. You will have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. But over time, the good will overcome the bad. I've seen it hundreds of times.
So, please work to save your marriage and be patient.
Good luck and please keep me posted.
God bless,
David
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you David for much needed advice. It was nice to hear some positive when all I seem to be getting is so much negative. It is hard to hear, particularly when my family say it, that I am a weak person if I can't walk away from my husband,but they just can't see that it is not as black and white as they seem to think it is. I really feel that we have both grown so much from our individual therapy and we can see how it all seemed to fall apart.
How do we work together to ensure that this does not happen again? I guess that's my fear at the moment. It has already happened twice and I know we didn't get the right guidance after the first time, but I would ust like advice on how to prevent infidelity, why does it happen in some marriages and not others that can be equally as bad?
Thank you David
Answer Hello Kylie:
Thank you for your comments and I believe you are on the road to recovery.
While there are no guarantees, if your husband has learned his lesson and feels the pain he has caused you, he will most likely never commit that act again.
The first item on the agenda though is making things right with you and giving you confidence that he recognizes the sorry and despicable nature of his actions. That is a critical foundation for the future of your relationship.
Following that will be the next stage in which your confidence in him grows and becomes solid over time. But it will take time.
Lastly, a weak person would take the easy route and walk away. It takes great strength and fortitude to forgive and rebuild. Trust me, I have seen it hundreds of times - what you are doing is much stronger and more admirable than the alternative.
