About David Rhodes Expertise Questions related to adultery, abuse, broken relationships. Counselor since 1991 and I have seen and heard just about every story ever told about adultery. First, there is no such thing as just an "emotional affair". "Forsake all others" should mean something. Secondly, the rebuilding a marriage marred by adultery can be stronger, more loving, and fulfilling than you ever imagined. Happiness and peace can be yours once again.
Experience Counselor since 1991 specializing in marital.
Organizations American Psychological Association
National Christian Counselors Association
Education/Credentials Bachelors - Ashland University, Ashland, Ohio
MBA - Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, Ohio
PhD - Freedom Bible College, Rogers, Arkansas (under study)
Past/Present Clients Volunteer in "Marriage" category
Expert: David Rhodes Date: 4/9/2008 Subject: i did what i promised i would never do
Question QUESTION: David,
I am 36 yrs old and six months ago committed adultery. The affair was emotional for a few months and then became physical. I have been married for 8 years and my wife and I have a beautiful 3 yr old son. We had trouble conceiving him...tried for about 2 1/2 years...sex became mechanical and infertility treatments made it even more of a chore. In the 3 years since our son was born my wife and I have had sex 4 times. I felt like I was in a desert emotionally and physically. Then this woman came into my life...a student of mine, actually. She would come to me for advice on things going on in her life and I would counsel her. I felt needed by her. She hit all of the buttons I "craved" to have pushed...I mean all of them...emotionally...I havent'f felt needed by my wife in a very long time. Well, needless to say...I had the affair. I know it was wrong and I feel like such a !@#$%^&*!. I immediately went to see a counselor friend of mine in Colorado and got straight about what happened...I did and do not want out of my marraige...I ended the relationship and cut all ties with this woman...my wife and I have been to counselling but in her mind she has not yet made a decision on whether she wants to stay married...I am working on trying to do the things my wife wants me to do but the other night she wrote me a note saying I have proven to her for the last time that when push comes to shove I do not have her back and that she is mourning the loss of that supportive love we once had. I get the feeling she sees there is no hope for me to change and that she is not willing to look at her part in the breakdown of our relationship. I feel very powerless about being able to do anything that will positively help us. I want to heal...badly! The pain I am carrying around inside is killing me and I don't know what to do about it. I believe God has forgiven me...I have prayed day and night about this but I cannot seem to forgive myself...I have hurt my wife so deeply I cannot even fathom the possibility of her forgiveness. What advice can you give? Are there support groups that can help? I hear all the time that if we work on things we can have a much stronger and more loving marriage than we ever dreamed of...but I do not get the feeling my wife believes this is possible. What can I do?
ANSWER: Tom - thank you for writing and for your courage.
First, you are right that God has forgiven you. He tells us that, if we sincerely repent of our sins and accept Him into our lives, that our sins are wiped away and we are as clear as new snow. Rest assured in that.
You have taken the two most important steps in rebuilding your marriage;
1. Ending all contact with your lover.
2. Sincerely express sorrow for your mistakes to your wife.
Your counselor needs to be focusing on your wife and asking her what you need to do to save the marriage. Not only is it doable, it seems to me in this case that it is likely that this marriage will be saved.
And I have seen hundreds of marriages restored, stronger, and more fulfilling that either of you ever imagined. You just need to the right counselor, effort, and time.
Stick with it and keep your chin up. What you did has been done by millions of others. At least you are a decent enough person that your conscience bothers you. What kind of person would you be if it didn't bother you?
Hang in there Tom. You are on the right track.
David
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you for your reply.
Any advice on forgiving myself...I feel like Judas but I want to come out in the end like Peter.
I also feel like my wife is not at the place where she is willing to look at her part in the situation. Until she gets there can there be any progress or healing? What can I do about this?
Thanks;
Tom
Answer Tom - you seem to be well-versed on the Bible so let me ask you this about self-forgiveness.
What do you think of King David? Successful guy? Made a permanent good mark on the history of the world? He also committed adultery.
You are human Tom. We all fall short of the grace and glory of God - all of us. It is what separates us from God. The pain and agony that we create here on earth is what makes Heaven such an incredible place - we ultimately leave all of this behind.
But while we are here, God gives us the ability to make choices - and we often fail. BUT, like the greatest safety net that has ever existed, God remains there for us if will look to Him for forgiveness and guidance. You seem to be doing that. God is looking favorably on you tonight.
The next time you are feeling guilty, I want you to imagine that the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, and Everlasting Host is giving you the biggest bear hug you've ever had. He is hugging and holding you and saying, "Everything will be ok." Because it will. He loves you more than you will ever know.
Lastly, don't look for your wife to express her potential contribution to a breakdown in the marriage at this point. I promise you that she thinks about it all the time. It is probably a source of great pain for her - but she will not express it because she will not do anything that would give credence to your infidelity. That is normal.
So focus on healing the relationship. That is priority one.
