AboutSuzie Johnson Expertise Author of How to Infidelity-Proof your marriage and Forgiving Infidelity. I will answer your question about Surviving, Overcoming or Healing and Forgiving Infidelity. I deal with all 3 people involved in the unhappy triangle. The Wayward Partner, The Betrayed Partner and The "Other Person". My mission is laser-focus and can be summed up in six words..."To heal is to make happy". Thank you for your question and the opportunity to serve.
Experience 8 1/2 years of private practice and many products sold in 65 countries dealing with infidelity and sexuality for committed couples.
Education/Credentials Master of Ericksonian style of clinical hypnosis and neuro -linguistics.
Expert: Suzie Johnson Date: 4/9/2008 Subject: How to salvage my 4 months marriage?
Question QUESTION: Hi,
I have just gotten married for 4 months after a 10 year relationship. My wife and I are our first and only lovers. After we got married, I have been spending less time with her due to my work and studies commitment. And she has problems with my mum, and really hates her. Each time she tried to talk to me about it, I shut her off. She has been taking one of her colleague's car to work for the first 3 months of our marriage, because he stays near our place. Recently I found out that she actually lied to me about going out with him. I questioned her and told her I will forgive her, and she confessed that she has feelings for that man. That man has feelings for her too. She admitted that she was attracted to him because he is somewhat similar to me, except he is more fun to talk to and he is more sensitive than I am. She said that she has come clean with the guy, but was very resistive when I asked her to never take that guy's car again and said she didn't want to lose a good friend. She kept defending the guy when I said I don't trust him. The guy is married too and has been sharing alot of his own marriage problems with my wife and vice versa.
Now, the question here is, do you think that she has really come clean with this guy? Is it true that once a woman changed her heart or felt for another man other than her husband, she no longer have any love for her own husband? How can I win her heart back and how do I know if she is still thinking about that man?
ANSWER: Dear HH,
Thanks for the opportunity to serve.
After reading your question, I thought the best way to answer you, would be to break down it into relevant parts...
So here we go:
You wrote: " I have been spending less time with her due to my work and studies commitment"
I sense you feel your work/school commitments are interfering with the amount of time you spend with your wife. The result of this loss of attention, may have cause her to feel neglected or put on the back burner... is this accurate?
Do you beleive, that IF you were spending more time with her, then she would not have turned to someone "outside" of your relationship to get her emotional need for time & attention met?
If this observation is accurate..
Then the deeper question becomes:
How can you take care of your work/school obligations AND not neglect your home/wife during the process?
Now, as you can imagine. You are not the only young husband to face this crisis. On the one hand, your work/school obligations are important because they contribute to the wellbeing of your family. But, on the other hand, what does it profit a man, to gain the world and lose the woman he loves in the process?.
Here's the secret: There's IS a way to have both. The key is found in balance. Finding ways to set up your days/weeks/months so that tehy honor both home life & Work life. And on days that you feel you cant do both remind yourself - Every body has the same 24 hours. You just have be willing to creative and flexiable.
Try this:
If you "sense" your wife is feeling neglected - what "specific" things can you do to help her feel more appreciated? There are three main areas to focus on: Time, Talk & touch.
So ask yourself how you can "share" more time, touch talk with her ? Be specific... for example "make Sundays your day together" - give her FULL attention, affection (non sexual) as well as "tell her" exactly what it is you appreciated about her.
next: "And she has problems with my mum, and really hates her. Each time she tried to talk to me about it, I shut her off"
Pay attention to this one. Problems between wife & mother will not go away by ignoring them. This is a situation that might require you to grow as a leader, since it calls for tact, diplomacy & compassionate communication.
Remember: You chose the wife you have. Your mother chose to have you. You are in no danger of losing the love of your mother. So part of being becomming a stronger leader is learning to stand by your choices and helping those who love you, learn to respect and accept those choices.
Next:
you wrote:
"Recently I found out that she actually lied to me about going out with him. I questioned her and told her I will forgive her, and she confessed that she has feelings for that man. That man has feelings for her too. She admitted that she was attracted to him because he is somewhat similar to me, except he is more fun to talk to and he is more sensitive than I am"
Some things you should be aware of:
1.It appears your wife is having an emotional affair, with the person she is carpooling with. ( please note, this is a general assesment, I cannot be sure without talking to her)
2.Emotional affairs: are like lobster pots - you never realize you are getting into one, until its too late.
2.Don't let a little competition scare you. You've got 10 years of loving her on your side. 3 months with a strange guy might stir up excitement, but it cant wash away YEARS of loyalty, support, laughs, loving & other shared experiences.
3. Find out from her the "specifics" of what it means to be "sensitive" - chances are the what she's talking about it the fact that he "listens". If this is the case, then you now have something to put on your "to do list"
To listen to more. Make yourself available emotionally. To simply "listen" without needing to fix. Just listen. without getting caught up in the "content" of what she's saying. Just listen, because it's important that she has your full attention.
Practice compassionate listening to her ( this means turning off the voice in your own head) and watch how she blooms!
For a woman, compassionate listening works like is like oxygen in the bloodstream. They come alive, under the radiant attention. the "feel" loved. They feel understood. They feel appreacited, respected, admired, welcomed and wanted. ( all of which leads to them falling in love..again)
Next: You wrote: "do you think that she has really come clean with this guy?
1. At this point what i think, is not as important as what you think. Obviously you don't think she has come clean with this guy. If so, ask yourself - why do you think she is being deceptive? ( when people are deceptive its because they feel its unsafe for them to tell the truth) have you made it so she cant be honest with you? have you been harsh? suspicious? condemning?
The key is to create a space for honesty. If you want people to be honest with you, YOU first have to be a person they can be honest with. It doesn't help to tell some one you will forgive them, and then condemn them for their confessions. It appears to me that you both need to work on rebuilding trust in your relationship.
Next: "Is it true that once a woman changed her heart or felt for another man other than her husband, she no longer have any love for her own husband?"
1. I disagree that once a woman changed her heart/or felt for another man other than her husband, she no longer has any love for her own husband. To believe this, in my opinion, would mean that people are incapable of correcting mistakes or ever changing their mines. I do agree that you need to do whatever it takes to Re-seduce your wife. I agree that you need to rekindle the romance, passion and "fun" in your relationship. I agree you have to nurture the relationship so that it can grow healthier.
Next: How can I win her heart back:
This is the best question you have asked. The answer to this is what gives you the advantage over that "johnny-come-lately" . Why? you have ten years of doing something right. Now go back and find out what those things are. She loves you. Those feelings might be buried, but they are NOT DEAD. Your job is to remind her. Reawaken her memories of the goodtimes. Begin a serious reseduction champaign.
Next: "and how do I know if she is still thinking about that man?"
You don't. ( unless ofcourse you have ESP - who can tell what anyone's thinking? This is a private universe, no one has access another's thoughts) But, ask yourself this: if i am assulting her senses with positive,sensual,romantic, appreciative messages, actions, thoughtful, deeds, jokes, actives - when will she have the time???
The bottom line:
Here's the fact: You have competition for your wife's affection.
There are two ways to respond to this competition. You can be passive-aggressive about it. ( passive means you don't do anything positive to change the situation) aggressive means you use negative ways to change the situation: eg guilt/argue/manipulate/
The second way: Positive & assertive about it. This means, rather than be intimidated, you become challenged. Rather than be angry, you look for ways to understand. Rather than withdraw, you step up. Rather than fight or defend - you look for ways to add fun/light-heartedness back into your life.
You change your focus from "fear of losing her to" "doing whatever it takes to keep her loving you"
In my opinion,
This is a call for love. (your mission should you choose to accept it), is to answer her call with love, and do it the very best ways. this means more time, effort and communication. It means showing her attention, affection and appreaction.
Well, I guess i have coverd just about all that i can with the information you presented.
I hope you will find these insights useful to you. and remember, at the end of day love wins.
Gratefully.
Suzie J.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi Suzie,
Your analysis and advice is truely enlightening. After reading through your response and article, I realized that I almost make or have made some of the mistakes listed. And I hope you can give me some advice on specific strategies and ways or some do's and don'ts specific to my situation (I did promised her not to bring this issue up again):
1. I did show alot of emotion (including tearing) when talking about it and showed her how much I can't lose her. She was touched and did teared as well. So I'm not too sure if this is good or bad for me?
2. Because I insisted on my stand that I do not trust "her new found best friend", and she has tried many times to tell me that she trusted him fully and has hinted many times that she would want to continue to take his car and sometimes have dinner with him, I am really worried that I can't stop her from continuing her emotional sharing with him. She did said once that she regretted confessing to me when I overreacted when she secretly told him about me knowing. They work in the same place and will definitely chat through their company's instant messenger. And her work place is very remote, thus a colleague's car is a valuable mode of transportation. Two big disadvantages that I can never remove. Any advice?
3. The guy is going for a small operation soon, and she did say that she is worried for him. She even admitted that while making breakfast for me, she made another set for him too. She mentioned once that she would like to take leave from work once, and usually is only to go out with me. But this time she just said she wants to go shopping alone and this date coincides with his MC dates. Should I do anything about this?
4. In your article about EA, you mentioned "High feelings of connection and understanding + Secrecy and denial or deception + Sexual attraction and/or sexual chemistry = EMOTIONAL AFFAIR". My wife admitted she can confide almost anything with this man and vice versa, she did tried to deceive me (until I found out) and she always say she is very clear now (not sure if it is denial), and most importantly, at one time when our conversation regarding this is pretty calm and light hearted, she joked that the guy ever said something about how can he be falling for a petite gal like her when he prefers woman with big breasts. This level of intimate/sexually charged remarks or talk is something she only does with me for the past 10 years. Does this mean that she is in a very advance stage of the EA?
5. Given my scenario, when is a good time to direct her to your website and share with her about EA?
Your kind advice would be greatly appreciated.
Answer Dear HH,
I am happy you found the advice useful so far, let's move on to your follow up questions...
You asked:
" I did show alot of emotion (including tearing) when talking about it and showed her how much I can't lose her. She was touched and did teared as well. So I'm not too sure if this is good or bad for me?
Answer: As long as that was your honest response... it was the right response. If there were any doubts in her mind about how much she means to you... in that moment you took care of them. Good for you.
You asked:
"They work in the same place and will definitely chat through their company's instant messenger. And her work place is very remote, thus a colleague's car is a valuable mode of transportation. Two big disadvantages that I can never remove. Any advice?
My advice:
Trust YOUR intuition on this one. I cant tell you what's really going on because i have no way of knowing. I certainly get the logical reasons for the carpooling. I certainly see there are certain "reg flags" that point to possible emotions being involved. IF(and there's a strong IF here) her feelings have crossed the line.... your response at this point will either push her further towards him, or pull her back towards you. I can tell you.. that jealousy, suspicion, accusations, obsessive thinking will NOT do you any favors.
A better question to ask yourself might be: What causes you to feel insecure??? What are the "specific" things you've have noticed that point to an EA? ( list them, dont be vague ) Have you truly sense a shift in her behavior? If so when? where? and what does it look like?
another idea...
Is there anyway to include another co-worker to the car pool? or is there anyway for her to use an alternative means of transport even 2 or 3 mornings a week?
The reason this could be in importnat is that it will break up the "routine" they have created together. It's become "their" time and she seems to be getting protective of it. I suggest you start looking for ways to interrupt that pattern, without disrupting your wife. ( of course this will take some creative thinking - but if you simply focus on breaking up the routine - not necessarily the friendship a solution will come to you)
You wrote:
"But this time she just said she wants to go shopping alone and this date coincides with his MC dates. Should I do anything about this?"
my answer: THIS IS A HUGE RED FLAG.
Affairs require 3 things: time, effort & opportunity. All three are present here. I am NOT saying that this is an affair...only that this coincidence points to possible deception. When people begin to do "vague" random things that are outside of there normal patterns - something usually triggers that. My suggestion? Take the day off yourself...go shopping with her... Be with her... show up fully that day.
You asked:
This level of intimate/sexually charged remarks or talk is something she only does with me for the past 10 years. Does this mean that she is in a very advance stage of the EA?
My answer: I cant say for sure if she is having an EA or not, therefore i cant say if its advanced or not. However... sexual comparisons like the one made in that statement indicate a desire to feel sexually desirable to that other person.
So, what I will say is this: there is obviously a sexual attraction of sorts here. However that alone does not make an EA. Please understand, we are not monogamous by nature...our sex instinct is free. Its not a matter of IF you are going to be sexually attracted to someone outside of your primary relationship - its a matter of WHEN. So, try not to demonize her for experiencing some form of sexual attraction as a matter of fact my husband tells me he falls in-lust at least twice daily!
One of the best things you can do is DOWNPLAY it. Minimize it, by saying ..things like " I can tell something about that guy's got your attention, but that stuff wears off like cheap perfume" or well, you can be sure you are the RIGHT girl for me - you would never be sure with that guy huh? - The KEY is to DOWN GRADE those feelings... Don't play them up
You wrote:
Given my scenario, when is a good time to direct her to your website and share with her about EA?
my answer: This goes back to trust. I recall you saying you promised not to bring it up again. How will you bring it up - without bringing it up? Here's the deal: IF and when someone is having an emotional affair and they are in denial about it... anything you say sounds like an accusation. Until she acknowledges it herself - you cannot do it for her.
The best thing to do now:
You said before she is sharing her intimate life with this other person and he is with her. This points to the fact that in YOUR marriage there are unresolved issues & needs to be addressed.
My best advice to you is this:
RUN (don't walk) to your nearest marriage counselor. Go THIS WEEK. if you can. Tell your wife you want to work on YOUR jealousy and suspicious issues ( don't mention anything about her/or EA's) and suggest counseling as a way to do that. Also mention you've notice she's not getting her needs met in issues with your mother, feelings of neglect and being taken for granted...all of which talking to a counselor can help get those needs met.
The bottom line?
Getting into counseling allows you to draw her attention BACK to her primary relationships. That's a key for you right now. One of the main reasons people have affairs is because they believe the primary partner wont change or doesn't listen to them.
Cousneling changes all that.
Once in counseling she will feel heard. It will give her a safe place to really be honest. and it will dissolve the "secrecy" and other missuses.
I do hope you find this useful and that some of these ideas presented here helps to create that turning point you are looking for.
