AboutSuzie Johnson Expertise Author of How to Infidelity-Proof your marriage and Forgiving Infidelity. I will answer your question about Surviving, Overcoming or Healing and Forgiving Infidelity. I deal with all 3 people involved in the unhappy triangle. The Wayward Partner, The Betrayed Partner and The "Other Person". My mission is laser-focus and can be summed up in six words..."To heal is to make happy". Thank you for your question and the opportunity to serve.
Experience 8 1/2 years of private practice and many products sold in 65 countries dealing with infidelity and sexuality for committed couples.
Education/Credentials Master of Ericksonian style of clinical hypnosis and neuro -linguistics.
Expert: Suzie Johnson Date: 4/10/2008 Subject: How to salvage my 4 months marriage?
Question QUESTION: Hi,
I have just gotten married for 4 months after a 10 year relationship. My wife and I are our first and only lovers. After we got married, I have been spending less time with her due to my work and studies commitment. And she has problems with my mum, and really hates her. Each time she tried to talk to me about it, I shut her off. She has been taking one of her colleague's car to work for the first 3 months of our marriage, because he stays near our place. Recently I found out that she actually lied to me about going out with him. I questioned her and told her I will forgive her, and she confessed that she has feelings for that man. That man has feelings for her too. She admitted that she was attracted to him because he is somewhat similar to me, except he is more fun to talk to and he is more sensitive than I am. She said that she has come clean with the guy, but was very resistive when I asked her to never take that guy's car again and said she didn't want to lose a good friend. She kept defending the guy when I said I don't trust him. The guy is married too and has been sharing alot of his own marriage problems with my wife and vice versa.
Now, the question here is, do you think that she has really come clean with this guy? Is it true that once a woman changed her heart or felt for another man other than her husband, she no longer have any love for her own husband? How can I win her heart back and how do I know if she is still thinking about that man?
ANSWER: Dear HH,
Thanks for the opportunity to serve.
After reading your question, I thought the best way to answer you, would be to break down it into relevant parts...
So here we go:
You wrote: " I have been spending less time with her due to my work and studies commitment"
I sense you feel your work/school commitments are interfering with the amount of time you spend with your wife. The result of this loss of attention, may have cause her to feel neglected or put on the back burner... is this accurate?
Do you beleive, that IF you were spending more time with her, then she would not have turned to someone "outside" of your relationship to get her emotional need for time & attention met?
If this observation is accurate..
Then the deeper question becomes:
How can you take care of your work/school obligations AND not neglect your home/wife during the process?
Now, as you can imagine. You are not the only young husband to face this crisis. On the one hand, your work/school obligations are important because they contribute to the wellbeing of your family. But, on the other hand, what does it profit a man, to gain the world and lose the woman he loves in the process?.
Here's the secret: There's IS a way to have both. The key is found in balance. Finding ways to set up your days/weeks/months so that tehy honor both home life & Work life. And on days that you feel you cant do both remind yourself - Every body has the same 24 hours. You just have be willing to creative and flexiable.
Try this:
If you "sense" your wife is feeling neglected - what "specific" things can you do to help her feel more appreciated? There are three main areas to focus on: Time, Talk & touch.
So ask yourself how you can "share" more time, touch talk with her ? Be specific... for example "make Sundays your day together" - give her FULL attention, affection (non sexual) as well as "tell her" exactly what it is you appreciated about her.
next: "And she has problems with my mum, and really hates her. Each time she tried to talk to me about it, I shut her off"
Pay attention to this one. Problems between wife & mother will not go away by ignoring them. This is a situation that might require you to grow as a leader, since it calls for tact, diplomacy & compassionate communication.
Remember: You chose the wife you have. Your mother chose to have you. You are in no danger of losing the love of your mother. So part of being becomming a stronger leader is learning to stand by your choices and helping those who love you, learn to respect and accept those choices.
Next:
you wrote:
"Recently I found out that she actually lied to me about going out with him. I questioned her and told her I will forgive her, and she confessed that she has feelings for that man. That man has feelings for her too. She admitted that she was attracted to him because he is somewhat similar to me, except he is more fun to talk to and he is more sensitive than I am"
Some things you should be aware of:
1.It appears your wife is having an emotional affair, with the person she is carpooling with. ( please note, this is a general assesment, I cannot be sure without talking to her)
2.Emotional affairs: are like lobster pots - you never realize you are getting into one, until its too late.
2.Don't let a little competition scare you. You've got 10 years of loving her on your side. 3 months with a strange guy might stir up excitement, but it cant wash away YEARS of loyalty, support, laughs, loving & other shared experiences.
3. Find out from her the "specifics" of what it means to be "sensitive" - chances are the what she's talking about it the fact that he "listens". If this is the case, then you now have something to put on your "to do list"
To listen to more. Make yourself available emotionally. To simply "listen" without needing to fix. Just listen. without getting caught up in the "content" of what she's saying. Just listen, because it's important that she has your full attention.
Practice compassionate listening to her ( this means turning off the voice in your own head) and watch how she blooms!
For a woman, compassionate listening works like is like oxygen in the bloodstream. They come alive, under the radiant attention. the "feel" loved. They feel understood. They feel appreacited, respected, admired, welcomed and wanted. ( all of which leads to them falling in love..again)
Next: You wrote: "do you think that she has really come clean with this guy?
1. At this point what i think, is not as important as what you think. Obviously you don't think she has come clean with this guy. If so, ask yourself - why do you think she is being deceptive? ( when people are deceptive its because they feel its unsafe for them to tell the truth) have you made it so she cant be honest with you? have you been harsh? suspicious? condemning?
The key is to create a space for honesty. If you want people to be honest with you, YOU first have to be a person they can be honest with. It doesn't help to tell some one you will forgive them, and then condemn them for their confessions. It appears to me that you both need to work on rebuilding trust in your relationship.
Next: "Is it true that once a woman changed her heart or felt for another man other than her husband, she no longer have any love for her own husband?"
1. I disagree that once a woman changed her heart/or felt for another man other than her husband, she no longer has any love for her own husband. To believe this, in my opinion, would mean that people are incapable of correcting mistakes or ever changing their mines. I do agree that you need to do whatever it takes to Re-seduce your wife. I agree that you need to rekindle the romance, passion and "fun" in your relationship. I agree you have to nurture the relationship so that it can grow healthier.
Next: How can I win her heart back:
This is the best question you have asked. The answer to this is what gives you the advantage over that "johnny-come-lately" . Why? you have ten years of doing something right. Now go back and find out what those things are. She loves you. Those feelings might be buried, but they are NOT DEAD. Your job is to remind her. Reawaken her memories of the goodtimes. Begin a serious reseduction champaign.
Next: "and how do I know if she is still thinking about that man?"
You don't. ( unless ofcourse you have ESP - who can tell what anyone's thinking? This is a private universe, no one has access another's thoughts) But, ask yourself this: if i am assulting her senses with positive,sensual,romantic, appreciative messages, actions, thoughtful, deeds, jokes, actives - when will she have the time???
The bottom line:
Here's the fact: You have competition for your wife's affection.
There are two ways to respond to this competition. You can be passive-aggressive about it. ( passive means you don't do anything positive to change the situation) aggressive means you use negative ways to change the situation: eg guilt/argue/manipulate/
The second way: Positive & assertive about it. This means, rather than be intimidated, you become challenged. Rather than be angry, you look for ways to understand. Rather than withdraw, you step up. Rather than fight or defend - you look for ways to add fun/light-heartedness back into your life.
You change your focus from "fear of losing her to" "doing whatever it takes to keep her loving you"
In my opinion,
This is a call for love. (your mission should you choose to accept it), is to answer her call with love, and do it the very best ways. this means more time, effort and communication. It means showing her attention, affection and appreaction.
Well, I guess i have coverd just about all that i can with the information you presented.
I hope you will find these insights useful to you. and remember, at the end of day love wins.
Gratefully.
Suzie J.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi Suzie,
Your analysis and advice is truely enlightening. After reading through your response and article, I realized that I almost make or have made some of the mistakes listed. And I hope you can give me some advice on specific strategies and ways or some do's and don'ts specific to my situation (I did promised her not to bring this issue up again):
1. I did show alot of emotion (including tearing) when talking about it and showed her how much I can't lose her. She was touched and did teared as well. So I'm not too sure if this is good or bad for me?
2. Because I insisted on my stand that I do not trust "her new found best friend", and she has tried many times to tell me that she trusted him fully and has hinted many times that she would want to continue to take his car and sometimes have dinner with him, I am really worried that I can't stop her from continuing her emotional sharing with him. She did said once that she regretted confessing to me when I overreacted when she secretly told him about me knowing. They work in the same place and will definitely chat through their company's instant messenger. And her work place is very remote, thus a colleague's car is a valuable mode of transportation. Two big disadvantages that I can never remove. Any advice?
3. The guy is going for a small operation soon, and she did say that she is worried for him. She even admitted that while making breakfast for me, she made another set for him too. She mentioned once that she would like to take leave from work once, and usually is only to go out with me. But this time she just said she wants to go shopping alone and this date coincides with his MC dates. Should I do anything about this?
4. In your article about EA, you mentioned "High feelings of connection and understanding + Secrecy and denial or deception + Sexual attraction and/or sexual chemistry = EMOTIONAL AFFAIR". My wife admitted she can confide almost anything with this man and vice versa, she did tried to deceive me (until I found out) and she always say she is very clear now (not sure if it is denial), and most importantly, at one time when our conversation regarding this is pretty calm and light hearted, she joked that the guy ever said something about how can he be falling for a petite gal like her when he prefers woman with big breasts. This level of intimate/sexually charged remarks or talk is something she only does with me for the past 10 years. Does this mean that she is in a very advance stage of the EA?
5. Given my scenario, when is a good time to direct her to your website and share with her about EA?
Your kind advice would be greatly appreciated.
ANSWER: Dear HH,
I am happy you found the advice useful so far, let's move on to your follow up questions...
You asked:
" I did show alot of emotion (including tearing) when talking about it and showed her how much I can't lose her. She was touched and did teared as well. So I'm not too sure if this is good or bad for me?
Answer: As long as that was your honest response... it was the right response. If there were any doubts in her mind about how much she means to you... in that moment you took care of them. Good for you.
You asked:
"They work in the same place and will definitely chat through their company's instant messenger. And her work place is very remote, thus a colleague's car is a valuable mode of transportation. Two big disadvantages that I can never remove. Any advice?
My advice:
Trust YOUR intuition on this one. I cant tell you what's really going on because i have no way of knowing. I certainly get the logical reasons for the carpooling. I certainly see there are certain "reg flags" that point to possible emotions being involved. IF(and there's a strong IF here) her feelings have crossed the line.... your response at this point will either push her further towards him, or pull her back towards you. I can tell you.. that jealousy, suspicion, accusations, obsessive thinking will NOT do you any favors.
A better question to ask yourself might be: What causes you to feel insecure??? What are the "specific" things you've have noticed that point to an EA? ( list them, dont be vague ) Have you truly sense a shift in her behavior? If so when? where? and what does it look like?
another idea...
Is there anyway to include another co-worker to the car pool? or is there anyway for her to use an alternative means of transport even 2 or 3 mornings a week?
The reason this could be in importnat is that it will break up the "routine" they have created together. It's become "their" time and she seems to be getting protective of it. I suggest you start looking for ways to interrupt that pattern, without disrupting your wife. ( of course this will take some creative thinking - but if you simply focus on breaking up the routine - not necessarily the friendship a solution will come to you)
You wrote:
"But this time she just said she wants to go shopping alone and this date coincides with his MC dates. Should I do anything about this?"
my answer: THIS IS A HUGE RED FLAG.
Affairs require 3 things: time, effort & opportunity. All three are present here. I am NOT saying that this is an affair...only that this coincidence points to possible deception. When people begin to do "vague" random things that are outside of there normal patterns - something usually triggers that. My suggestion? Take the day off yourself...go shopping with her... Be with her... show up fully that day.
You asked:
This level of intimate/sexually charged remarks or talk is something she only does with me for the past 10 years. Does this mean that she is in a very advance stage of the EA?
My answer: I cant say for sure if she is having an EA or not, therefore i cant say if its advanced or not. However... sexual comparisons like the one made in that statement indicate a desire to feel sexually desirable to that other person.
So, what I will say is this: there is obviously a sexual attraction of sorts here. However that alone does not make an EA. Please understand, we are not monogamous by nature...our sex instinct is free. Its not a matter of IF you are going to be sexually attracted to someone outside of your primary relationship - its a matter of WHEN. So, try not to demonize her for experiencing some form of sexual attraction as a matter of fact my husband tells me he falls in-lust at least twice daily!
One of the best things you can do is DOWNPLAY it. Minimize it, by saying ..things like " I can tell something about that guy's got your attention, but that stuff wears off like cheap perfume" or well, you can be sure you are the RIGHT girl for me - you would never be sure with that guy huh? - The KEY is to DOWN GRADE those feelings... Don't play them up
You wrote:
Given my scenario, when is a good time to direct her to your website and share with her about EA?
my answer: This goes back to trust. I recall you saying you promised not to bring it up again. How will you bring it up - without bringing it up? Here's the deal: IF and when someone is having an emotional affair and they are in denial about it... anything you say sounds like an accusation. Until she acknowledges it herself - you cannot do it for her.
The best thing to do now:
You said before she is sharing her intimate life with this other person and he is with her. This points to the fact that in YOUR marriage there are unresolved issues & needs to be addressed.
My best advice to you is this:
RUN (don't walk) to your nearest marriage counselor. Go THIS WEEK. if you can. Tell your wife you want to work on YOUR jealousy and suspicious issues ( don't mention anything about her/or EA's) and suggest counseling as a way to do that. Also mention you've notice she's not getting her needs met in issues with your mother, feelings of neglect and being taken for granted...all of which talking to a counselor can help get those needs met.
The bottom line?
Getting into counseling allows you to draw her attention BACK to her primary relationships. That's a key for you right now. One of the main reasons people have affairs is because they believe the primary partner wont change or doesn't listen to them.
Cousneling changes all that.
Once in counseling she will feel heard. It will give her a safe place to really be honest. and it will dissolve the "secrecy" and other missuses.
I do hope you find this useful and that some of these ideas presented here helps to create that turning point you are looking for.
Gratefully.
SuzieJ
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi Suzie,
I am really grateful for you comprehensive replies, I hope you do not mind me going through this process with you as I really needed sound advice and it seems to me that this is the crucial period of whether I can distrupt this EA or potential EA.
What causes me to feel insecure?
Initially when she came clean to me regarding her feelings for that man, she was quick to say that its over between them as they have clarified things a couple of weeks ago. But she did mentioned she ignored the guy once for 2 weeks because the guy has been showering her with his emotional attachments to her. After that 2 weeks they managed to talk again and she said they cleared things up. However once things are cleared between them, she started going out for dinner with him and yet lied to me about going with a group of colleagues including him (and I found out about one of them). The time frame she gave me about their interactions is sometimes inconsistent. I get the feeling that she is trying to tell me some truth and yet at the same time being unwilling to tell me all.
She has been constantly messaging the guy with her hp and lied to me that she is messaging her friend, while at times she told the truth. Whenever I asked about who messages her, she hinted that I am controlling her and not giving her freedom.
There are many instances where she will only tell me some truth when she sensed that I know something.
The off day incident is another thing that got me really concern. And when I asked why specifically that date, she wasn't able to give me a good answer, in fact, she was fumbling with her answers.
This guy ever called me once to explain that there is nothing between them, and she is the one that answered and passed me the phone. I am really afraid that she might just planned this call to deceive me. Based on her above mentioned deceptive actions, how likely could this be? If this is true, does that mean an affair has already materialized?
Things I have done so far:
I have been trying to be more positive and open, since the last argument on Monday with her. I talked to her alot and vice versa. Sometimes I still touched a bit on the issue and I can sense that she is still uncomfortable with it and at times seem irritated by me.
We talked alot and I have even decided to give up my studies so that we can spend more time together. She seems concerned that she might be affecting my career prospects and last time she has been strongly against me going to further my studies, because I wouldn't be able to spend time with her. But now she don't seem to have factor the time spending part at all. We even talked about family planning and she seems excited about it because she really likes children, but at the same time I feel that she is reacting for me to see. We have even talked about going for counseling and she agreed, but not as enthusiastic as before when we are exploring about going for marriage preparation course before we are married. We talked alot about what happen at her work place and how she interacted with her other colleagues, while at times mentioning some things about the guy. I'm not too sure if she is just trying to put me at ease.
I am really confused by her enthusiasm with regards to our relationship at times, while at the same time it is very obvious that she is hiding her messages from me. She is avoiding me from looking at her phone when she is replying by subtlely tilting her phone one side and such. And I am pretty sure that she will be taking the guy's car everytime she gets home and I don't think I can disrupt that. I did told her last night that if she really needs to, due to inconvenience, she can take his car. She has other options, but it seems that either she will want to take his car only or he will just keep offering her the ride.
Pls give me some perspectives on what exactly is she thinking, if you can. I know that she would not leave/divorce with me, but I'm not sure if she is already determined to have or continue her affair with this guy, or is she confused herself or is she still in denial and yet she is fantasising about it. One thing for sure, if the guy is constantly messaging her, he is definitely trying to fuel something. What should I do?
Answer Dear HH,
This is one of those situations, in which there is so much speculation, suspicions, discrepancies and conflicting information, that it's difficult to discern the truth of what's really taking place.
As a result, I can’t really offer you any perspective on what she's thinking. (Because I can’t read her mind) However, I will agree with you, she does seem to be confused and experiencing some inner turmoil. What exactly is she conflicted about? - that I cannot say. (and obviously neither can you)
Therefore the best thing to do…would be to get clarification directly from her.
As I pointed out before, because of how close you are to the situation its almost impossible for you to be objective and have an honest conversation that yields the "core" issues she’s dealing with inside.
It’s in this area counseling can be most beneficial to you.
With that being said, I would like to share with you some more insights on dealing with deception within a marriage ( a lot of which you are already are aware of)
The rules of deception
We all struggle with deception on some level, so this is about you as much as it is about her. People tend to say they want the truth, but then punish others when they get it and it doesn’t match what they want to hear. As result of this many people grew up with the unspoken rule that telling the truth=punishment+ rejection.
Which in turn leads to the opposing believe : deception = escape from punishment+ approval.
If this is the case ( and it is for many of us) then you can understand why there’s so little incentive to tell the truth. And if you think about it: if it’s NOT what people want to hear, if it’s not popular, if it gets you no rewards, but leads to punishment , pain and refection, you can see why “deception” my appear to be the better choice. Because at the end of the we will do more to “avoid pain” and anything else. And that’s the intrinsic lure of deception, it’s the belief that it’s the “escape-route from pain and judgment”
So in the mind of the deceptive person, he/she is only making the best choice to preserve one’s way of life.
Which bring us to the general pattern of deception, which is : Hide+ Lie+ deny+ delay+ distract + mislead= Confusion
Dealing with deception
Where people go wrong, is they try to fight deception, by trying to get even more deceptive. They spy, try to entrap ( mislead) entice ( mislead) Bargain, guilt ( mislead) threaten, beg, plead, cajole to get the truth. But all that is like fighting fire with gasoline. Because deception breeds more deception.
So how do you deal with deception in your marriage?
Here’s one way: It’s call radical honesty.
What does this mean? It’s means you got to make it safe for each other to be honest. You have to switch the focus from blame/punishment for truth. To high rewards+ high respect + approval.
You don’t just do this by words, or via promises ( all that is misleading).
You first work on yourself. Come out of denial about what it really takes to make a marriage work. It means biting your tongue if you have to and granting “amnesty” to each other as well as pre-forgiving certain aspects of your wife’s personality.
Is this easy? Nope. That’s why is called radical honesty – and not many couples ever achieve that level of nakedness with each other. And yet those that do are among the few that can say that have truly infidelity-proofed their marriages.
Privacy Vs. Secrecy.
I believe that people, who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. There's a difference between the need for privacy and keeping secrets.
What's the difference?
Boundaries. Here’s what I mean by that: If her conversations, actions, words are such that she would not be comfortable saying or doing them when you are present, therefore feels she has to “protect them or hide them in anyway” then those actions/words have crossed aa line.. By your description, it seems to me that you wife is displaying "secrecy" but masking it under privacy – which suggests she may be crossing certain boundaries in her conversations and actions when you are not present.
If you feel this is the case, then you both need to work on re-building trust. She needs to know she can have her privacy. And you need to know that her privacy is not a mask for secrecy- does that make sense?
Great Friends Vs. Emotional entanglements
There's a difference between, having a genuine friendship with someone outside of your marriage, and having an emotional entanglement with that person. The primary difference between, that the friendship outside of the marriage is non-exclusive" , while the friendship within marriage is “exclusive” The fact that you are being "excluded" from certain conversations, dinners, text-exchanges" are all red flags, that indicate , you both need to work on understanding the nature of boundaries within marriages
What are your boundaries?
Boundaries are like borders of a country. They are invisible and yet they exist. The fact is that many people have no idea what their relationship boundaries are, so it’s no surprise when a partner inadvertently cross the line.
I suggest you both sit down and talk about what your deal-breakers are, what you expect from each other, where your boundaries are. And what are some ways you can help each other feel more secure.
Sacrifice versus surrender
You mentioned in your question, you may be giving up your school to spend more time with your wife and that she’s feeling a bit guilty about you doing that. It’s a noble intention to be sure. However, I wonder if somewhere inside you consider, giving up your studies to be somewhat of a "sacrifice" to try to save your marriage
If any part of you feels like you are sacrificing –then consider this:
Any thought of "sacrifice" will eventually trigger feelings of superiority/resentments in you, and guilt/inferiority in the other person. Why? Because sacrifice calls for you to give up something you want, and deep inside a part of you will be outraged at having to “give up” anything.
However, if on the other hand, you are surrendering a deeper principle: that right now your "priority is your family" and you are doing this from a spirit of “giving to your marriage” than “giving up” anything - then such a surrender will bring you huge rewards.
Why is this contrast so important?
Because it’s not “quantity of time spent together” that grows a healthy marriage – its quality of the time you spend together. If you are hanging around, watching TV, entertaining yourselves, trying to escape dealing with the real issues, then you’ve basically given up your studies to baby sit your wife. This will not work for long. Eventually, she feels controlled, and you feel burdened. So think long and hard on the “why you are doing this” as well.
Competition versus Challenges
You’ve probably been wondering – why is this man in her/your life? Is he "poaching" on your territory? Is he sniffing around for sexual reasons?. Could it be because he's not getting enough attention from his own wife – he’s using yours to make up for it? Or is he taking advantage of your wife’s genuine, loyal, loving and sympathetic nature to help him get his needs met?
I am sure many times you have wondered…What does he REALLY want from your wife?
The answer to that is…. I don’t know. It could be any/ or all of the above and it could be none of the above.
But where does that leave you?
Well, you have a choice. You can look at this man as "competition" and start competing and comparing yourself with him. This will trigger emotions of jealousy, inferiority, superiority , suspiciousness, obsessive thinking and possessiveness with in you. All of which will make your life and her life a night mare.
But before you go through all the emotional warfare, ask yourself: what are you competing for?
You have your wife. You are the VIP in your life. You are her choice. You are "THE ONE" so where's the competition? At the most he’s getting crumbs from the cake ( if even that)
Here's the alternative:
if you knew for sure that you were showing up in your marriage 100%. Then what could you possibly be insecure about. Seriously - who could walk away from the certainty of everything...for “illusive promises” of nothing?
If you knew for sure that being with you – is the best possible choice your wife could make… what concern would you have?
Is it possible – that somewhere deep inside of you, you have an intuition that you could be showing up more in your marriage? Have you put certain things on the back burner hoping they would just go away or resolve themselves? Maybe you’ve left the “back door open” in your relationship, by not listening to her desires and her needs? Have you been doing your part 100% of the way… thereby leaving no “hole” for anyone else to find?
IF this is the case… today is the day to discover what's missing and bring it to the table.
You can make this a challenge, and get excited about it.
The truth is this man is simply a "messenger" sent to wake you up, to that you have certain issues in your marriage that need to be addressed. That maybe you have left certain doors open, that need to shut… so that thieves to invade you while you sleep.
You can either let this awaken your creative problem-solving skills, or you can let it degenerate into a competition, to which someone wins and someone looses.
I suggest you let it awaken the parts of you that were talking your wife, your marriage for granted. Just because you are committed doesn’t mean you can become complacent.
Love will not reward compliancy. Love only rewards growth & creativity.
You mention she is excited at times about working on her marriage and "luke-warm" at others. This ( believe or not) is normal for newlyweds - even new parents experience a similar kind of emotional ups and downs. So please take this in stride.
My final thoughts
As nice as it is to talk to me about your situation, the most I can do is comment on it. This alone cannot bring about the change you are looking for.
For there to be REAL impact in your situation, you need to talk to her. You both need some tools to help you navigate the early days of marriage. And since you mention she is open to going to counseling PLEASE use that opening ( no matter how small)
It cannot hurt... and in the long-term it will help.
I believe this is awake up call for you...the question becomes are you going to answer it... or wait for the next wakeup call?
It's my belief that you have already decided to answer ( hence our conversations)
Now you have to take it the next level. I suggest you use this as stepping stone to strengthen your marriage, rather than see it as an obstacle.
