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Topic: Adultery

Expert: Suzie Johnson
Date: 4/8/2008
Subject: How to salvage my 4 months marriage?

Question
Hi,

I have just gotten married for 4 months after a 10 year relationship. My wife and I are our first and only lovers. After we got married, I have been spending less time with her due to my work and studies commitment. And she has problems with my mum, and really hates her. Each time she tried to talk to me about it, I shut her off. She has been taking one of her colleague's car to work for the first 3 months of our marriage, because he stays near our place. Recently I found out that she actually lied to me about going out with him. I questioned her and told her I will forgive her, and she confessed that she has feelings for that man. That man has feelings for her too. She admitted that she was attracted to him because he is somewhat similar to me, except he is more fun to talk to and he is more sensitive than I am. She said that she has come clean with the guy, but was very resistive when I asked her to never take that guy's car again and said she didn't want to lose a good friend. She kept defending the guy when I said I don't trust him. The guy is married too and has been sharing alot of his own marriage problems with my wife and vice versa.

Now, the question here is, do you think that she has really come clean with this guy? Is it true that once a woman changed her heart or felt for another man other than her husband, she no longer have any love for her own husband? How can I win her heart back and how do I know if she is still thinking about that man?

Answer
Dear HH,

Thanks for the opportunity to serve.

After reading your question, I thought the best way to answer you, would be to break down it into relevant parts...

So here we go:

You wrote: " I have been spending less time with her due to my work and studies commitment"

I sense you feel your work/school commitments are interfering with the amount of time you spend with your wife. The result of this loss of attention, may have cause her to feel neglected or put on the back burner... is this accurate?

Do you beleive, that IF you were spending more time with her, then she would not have turned to someone "outside" of your relationship to get her emotional need for time & attention met?

If this observation is accurate..

Then the deeper question becomes:

How can you take care of your work/school obligations AND not neglect your home/wife during the process?

Now, as you can imagine. You are not the only young husband to face this crisis. On the one hand, your work/school obligations are important because they contribute to the wellbeing of your family. But, on the other hand, what does it profit a man, to gain the world and lose the woman he loves in the process?.

Here's the secret: There's IS a way to have both. The key is found in balance. Finding ways to set up your days/weeks/months so that tehy honor both home life & Work life. And on days that you feel you cant do both remind yourself - Every body has the same 24 hours. You just have be willing to creative and flexiable.

Try this:

If you "sense" your wife is feeling neglected - what "specific" things can you do to help her feel more appreciated? There are three main areas to focus on: Time, Talk & touch.

So ask yourself how you can "share" more time, touch talk with her ? Be specific... for example "make Sundays your day together" - give her FULL attention, affection (non sexual) as well as "tell her" exactly what it is you appreciated about her.

next: "And she has problems with my mum, and really hates her. Each time she tried to talk to me about it, I shut her off"

Pay attention to this one. Problems between wife & mother will not go away by ignoring them. This is a situation that might require you to grow as a leader, since it calls for tact, diplomacy & compassionate communication.

Remember: You chose the wife you have. Your mother chose to have you. You are in no danger of losing the love of your mother. So part of being becomming a stronger leader is learning to stand by your choices and helping those who love you, learn to respect and accept those choices.

Next:
you wrote:

"Recently I found out that she actually lied to me about going out with him. I questioned her and told her I will forgive her, and she confessed that she has feelings for that man. That man has feelings for her too. She admitted that she was attracted to him because he is somewhat similar to me, except he is more fun to talk to and he is more sensitive than I am"

Some things you should be aware of:

1.It appears your wife is having an emotional affair, with the person she is carpooling with. ( please note, this is a general assesment, I cannot be sure without talking to her)

2.Emotional affairs: are like lobster pots - you never realize you are getting into one, until its too late.

What you need to do now...

1. Educate your self about emotional affairs. To help you here's a link to an article I wrote about this topic :
http://www.goasksuzie.com/4a_emotional_cheating.htm

2.Don't let a little competition scare you. You've got 10 years of loving her on your side. 3 months with a strange guy might stir up excitement, but it cant wash away YEARS of loyalty, support, laughs, loving & other shared experiences.

3. Find out from her the "specifics" of what it means to be "sensitive" - chances are the what she's talking about it the fact that he "listens". If this is the case, then you now have something to put on your "to do list"

To listen to more. Make yourself available emotionally. To simply "listen" without needing to fix. Just listen. without getting caught up in the "content" of what she's saying. Just listen, because it's important that she has your full attention.

Practice compassionate listening to her ( this means turning off the voice in your own head) and watch how she blooms!
For a woman, compassionate listening works like is like oxygen in the bloodstream. They come alive, under the radiant attention. the "feel" loved. They feel understood. They feel appreacited, respected, admired, welcomed and wanted. ( all of which leads to them falling in love..again)

Next: You wrote: "do you think that she has really come clean with this guy?

1. At this point what i think, is not as important as what you think. Obviously you don't think she has come clean with this guy. If so, ask yourself - why do you think she is being deceptive? ( when people are deceptive its because they feel its unsafe for them to tell the truth) have you made it so she cant be honest with you? have you been harsh? suspicious? condemning?

The key is to create a space for honesty. If you want people to be honest with you, YOU first have to be a person they can be honest with. It doesn't help to tell some one you will forgive them, and then condemn them for their confessions. It appears to me that you both need to work on rebuilding trust in your relationship.

Next: "Is it true that once a woman changed her heart or felt for another man other than her husband, she no longer have any love for her own husband?"

1. I disagree that once a woman changed her heart/or felt for another man other than her husband, she no longer has any love for her own husband. To believe this, in my opinion, would mean that people are incapable of correcting mistakes or ever changing their mines. I do agree that you need to do whatever it takes to Re-seduce your wife. I agree that you need to rekindle the romance, passion and "fun" in your relationship. I agree you have to nurture the relationship so that it can grow healthier.

Next: How can I win her heart back:

This is the best question you have asked. The answer to this is what gives you the advantage over that "johnny-come-lately" . Why? you have ten years of doing something right. Now go back and find out what those things are. She loves you. Those feelings might be buried, but they are NOT DEAD. Your job is to remind her. Reawaken her memories of the goodtimes. Begin a serious reseduction champaign.

Next: "and how do I know if she is still thinking about that man?"

You don't. ( unless ofcourse you have ESP - who can tell what anyone's thinking? This is a private universe, no one has access another's thoughts) But, ask yourself this: if i am assulting her senses with positive,sensual,romantic, appreciative messages, actions, thoughtful, deeds, jokes, actives - when will she have the time???

The bottom line:

Here's the fact: You have competition for your wife's affection.
There are two ways to respond to this competition. You can be passive-aggressive about it. ( passive means you don't do anything positive to change the situation) aggressive means you use negative ways to change the situation: eg guilt/argue/manipulate/

The second way: Positive & assertive about it. This means, rather than be intimidated, you become challenged. Rather than be angry, you look for ways to understand. Rather than withdraw, you step up. Rather than fight or defend - you look for ways to add fun/light-heartedness back into your life.

You change your focus from "fear of losing her to" "doing whatever it takes to keep her loving you"

In my opinion,

This is a call for love. (your mission should you choose to accept it), is to answer her call with love, and do it the very best ways. this means more time, effort and communication. It means showing her attention, affection and appreaction.

Well, I guess i have coverd just about all that i can with the information you presented.

I hope you will find these insights useful to you. and remember, at the end of day love wins.

Gratefully.
Suzie J.

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