AboutSuzie Johnson Expertise Author of How to Infidelity-Proof your marriage and Forgiving Infidelity. I will answer your question about Surviving, Overcoming or Healing and Forgiving Infidelity. I deal with all 3 people involved in the unhappy triangle. The Wayward Partner, The Betrayed Partner and The "Other Person". My mission is laser-focus and can be summed up in six words..."To heal is to make happy". Thank you for your question and the opportunity to serve.
Experience 8 1/2 years of private practice and many products sold in 65 countries dealing with infidelity and sexuality for committed couples.
Education/Credentials Master of Ericksonian style of clinical hypnosis and neuro -linguistics.
Expert: Suzie Johnson Date: 4/16/2008 Subject: serial cheater
Question How do I go on after finding out he cheater with over 50 women. He has in a band. Married 32 yrs. found out he cheater the first 10 yrs of married. The reason I found out was because he had such a bad case of herpes he had to tell me. No major complaints thru our marriage. 3 children. He only had one night stands cuz he did not want relationship with any of them. I was a virgin even after being with him for 7 yrs before marriage. Good girl... do you understand. Never sexually wonderful. Can't take it. He screwed sooooo many I think 50 is a low number. Brought on a disease. Bastard...Its been 7 months and I am still sick, angry...I want what he gave them. I now drink in my room...every night....Never drank in my life...Have sexuality pouring from me. I never had sex in a car...but he did, in all of ours...I want to have sex with someone anyone.....i never had another partner. Of course he says he hasnt' done anything in 20 yrs....like that is suppose to mean something or that I even believe him...He loves me soooooooooooooooooooo much its sickening....what am I suppose to do....I can not get over this....I feel sorry for him.....he's old...now and hurting....what about the good girl who stood home cleaned cooked and took care of the world so he could have his life...he has no where to go...Yet I like being in his arms...but then the visions come and I want to run away....He's afraid I will leave him..I'm afraid I will leave him.. he's constantly looking at my with worry and love....I on the other hand am NOT the same person....I threw my wedding ring away and won't even look at anything pertaining to those yrs. My love of reading has waned - i can't even watch a movie....I'm always jumping out of my skin and just want to get blasted. What the hell?????? The way he treats me now anyone would die for that kind of love and affection. Suddenly our sex life is wonderful....Now I look at everyone with sex on my mind, that's what he told me -- that he was addicted to sex....He has lost any respect I ever had for him, its hard to know you were with someone for so very long and never really knew them.....So damn disappointing....He will always be a disappoinment to me. Sad isn't it......Says if it makes me happy or I fall for someone else he will step aside. I think he feels sooooooo sorry for me. Perhaps that is where this love he swears he always had for me comes from...Of course I've told him he never loved loved me....what a wonderful life, eh??? Said he had a revelation 20 yrs ago that is why he stopped. I hate all men so much. Why must women have an emotional attachment when they want to sleep with someone else. Is it possible not to have one like men can>???? I feel like I'm drifting so far away...and I am a changed woman....My eyes have suddenly been opened. Satisfied with my life in the past. but not now....seems like I am just waiting for the chance...to...be someone else...I think I need to be, perhaps to get over this mess....what do I do....
Answer Dear Susan,
Thank you for the opportunity to serve.
After reading your e-mail, I sat and thought about you and about your situation for a long while. On one hands I was struck by how much suffering these circumstances brought into your life. And on the other hand I was impressed, by the depth of your desire to be free from it.
Let me begin by saying...
I understand that the pain you feel is so deep. It has no words. So much has happened: good, bad and ugly in this relationship, it's no surprise that you are confused about where go next.
But, you are asking for help. So help is here.
Let's begin with a story about the nature of relationships...
I am convinced that relationships are a lot like flowers.
Some are like roses... sweet, affectionate, & loving, with occasional thorn on the side.
Some are like desert flowers; they spring up without warning, bloom overnight, stay strong for a time, but fade within a short while
and Some relationship are like orchids, They are difficult, long-suffering, hard to please, impossible to control, and YET, when the bloom, they give you the sweetest of all satisfaction.
In my opinion, your relationship is a lot like an orchid. Difficult. Challenging. And ultimately hard to walk away from.
Obviously, without knowing more about the details of your situation, I can’t give you specific advice, but what i can do is share with you my opinions ( based on your email) as well provide some general guide lines...
So lets jump in shall we?
You wrote: "How do I go on after finding out he cheater with over 50 women. He has in a band. Married 32 yrs. found out he cheater the first 10 yrs of married."
My advice: When it comes to dealing with the harsh reality of betrayal. There are two paths you can take. One will lead you out of suffering, and back to happiness. And the other leads you deeper into the suffering and away from happiness.
What are those two choices?
Choice A: ( the most popular choice) is to see yourself as victim.
Choice B: See yourself as a survivor ( path least traveled)
About choice A : The victim-path
Now, I will tell you that the victim path is a highly seductive path. ( I know because I have traveled it myself many times) It come with some really cool benefits, loads of support and a wealth of instant gratification rewards
And when you think about it...
Given the harshness of your situation. The overwhelming negativity and deception. You of all people COULD very well justify taking this path.
Think about it.
You've been the "good girl" all these years. You played your part and you've played it fairly. You've have had opportunities along the way to wonder off the high road and yet you didn’t. You kept your word.
You kept your integrity. You believed in the sacredness of your marriage. While you had many reasons to walk away, you never did. ( even now, in the middle of this crisis, YOU are still here) - so it seems unfair doesn’t it, that after ALL THE GOOD, you have done, it appears you efforts have been "punished" and rather than rewarded.
You must be wondering what kind of unfair, upside down, universe we are living in!
What’s the victim-path?
It’s the path of bitterness. It’s the path of powerlessness. It tells you to personalize his poor choices, and see his bad behavior as a part of your own identify. It tells you have to keep a catalog of all the way you were “wronged” make he is responsible for how you feel. It tells you, you cannot be happy unless he pays for what he has done.
Benefits of taking the path …
You get to stay angry for as long as you want. You get to keep score and rehash the past. You can set the price of punishment. You can withhold anything you deem fit. You can exact revenge-as your rightful due. People will support you and identify with you, and help you carry out justice.
Downside of taking this path?
It leads to deeper into emotional hell.
Which remain me of another story...
It's the ancient parable of a wayward son that left the home of a loving father, and good son who stayed home by the father's side, tending the fields, feeding the heard and being of good value.
The wayward son, on the other hand went out, partied, squandered his riches and lowered his self respect to one lower than the beasts.
Then one day after years of wrongdoings, the wayward son became aware of the useless value of the things he chased. But he was afraid to return to the home of his pure and loving father.
He was ashamed to return to his father, because he thought he had hurt him.
Then one day something gave him the courage. He took the first step towards returning home. Every step closer to his father’s farmlands, his heart became heavier and he was filled with guilt and fear of rejection. A reality of which he knew he deserving.
Now, the good son who stayed home was the first to spot the wayward son’s approach. But rather than being joyful at seeing return of one who was lost. The good son became judgmental. He began to berate his wayward brother. He began to talk to him with contempt about his careless behavior. He made him feel guilty by recounting countless stories of the pain , suffering and grief he brought to the heart of their pure and loving father. He told him of nights, and days his father spent wondering along the streets looking, and searching for his son.
With every step they took towards home the good son shamed his wayward brother. And almost managed to scared him into turning back, but still the wayward walked towards home.
“I will throw myself at my father's feet and ask his forgiveness" he his good brother.
"Then if he turns me away, it will only be as I deserve. I will go back into the cold wilderness – but I will not do it until I have asked my father’s forgiveness"
But, then to both their surprise. When the father spotted his wayward son in the distance, his heart became alight with joy.
He immediately shout for a calf to be killed. He called for a feast to be prepared. For clothes and jewels to be brought for his son. And then he ran out to meet him and welcomed him home the with joy.
Now the good son was shocked, hurt, and bitter to say the least. He felt resentful, of the welcome the wayward son was receiving. He became bitter about all the times he stayed by the fathers side, helping him through good times and bad. And felt it was unfair that never once had the pure and loving father killed a fatted calf for him. He felt began to feel hateful because he felt the father reward the “wayward” son’s behavior – while ignoring his good deeds.
Eventually, the pure and loving father noticed his good son’s jealous heart, and moved to comforted him.
He told him that a good father love's his good son and he loves his wayward son, not because of behavior but because they are his sons.
To a father the son himself IS his treasure, not his son's “behavior “and the pure and loving parent wants nothing else.
How does this apply to your situation?
Remember, those two paths … Victim or survivor?
Certainly after all these years of being good, it would seem that you are justified in being angry, bitter, and resentful that life seems to punishing you instead of rewarding you. But like the story points out: life is neither rewards or punishes behavior – because YOU are the real treasure of life. Not your behavior.
Now, Am I saying that we should let bad behavior off the “hook” ? Nope, that is not what i am saying.
It’s a completely fair universe.
Every actions carries with it's own consequence. The wayward son suffered greatly for his foolish behavior, the father did not have to punish him. And the good son suffered greatly for his choice to feel victimized by the circumstances.
Which brings us to choice B: The Survivor.
What the path of the survivor? It’s the path of learning. The survivor looks for the “lesson” in behind the circumstances, and takes power, strength, and growth from the adversity. To take the path of survivor you have to shift your point of view: NO you cannot change what happen. But YES you can change how you respond to what happened.
See the difference?
The victim-path offers leads you to feeling helpless, powerlessness and puts your happiness in the hands of other people behavior.
The survivor path offers you power, confidence, strength and the certainty of knowing YOU can survive anything that emerges.
On the survivor's path, You learn the difference between mistakes and mistake-makers. You recognize that OTHER people’s mistakes are not personal. They stop identifying with them. You become compassionate –rather than condemning because we are ALL mistake-makers.
You can forgive because you've separated the mistake – from the mistake-maker. the behavior from the person.
You stop feeling “singled out” because you can see that unfairness falls into everyone’s life ( and that what makes life fair)
You change your language from "unfair" to..."it's unfortunate that this person squandered away so many valuable years made these poor choices"
YOU shift the focus - "from what they did to me" To what can I do for myself"
You look for lessons, not the hurts. You focus on the LOVE, not the loss in your heart"
Susan, I have an intuition about you.
I suspect you are already a survivor. Because even in the middle of this DARK night, as down as you are, as much as you have to be bitter about, You would NOT have written that email IF you wanted to really stay in that darkness.
You are loving. You are goodness itself. You don’t like where you are. This kind of hurt, anger, and negativity does NOT feel good to you. That’s why you want out.
It's obvious to me, that Meanness, unkindness, withholding love , just isn’t your style.
Next you wrote: "hate all men so much. Why must women have an emotional attachment when they want to sleep with someone else. Is it possible not to have one like men can>????
This is a very good question.
First of all, I seriously doubt that you "hate" all men. It sounds more to me like envy. In your mind men appear to be able to lie, cheat, have sex without emotional attachment. It seems to me that there is a part of you that also longs for that kind of sexual freedom, and yet you seem to be withholding it from yourself.
To answer your question:
of course its possible for some women to have sex without emotional attachments. But the better questions is would it be possible for you? And if you could do it... would it REALLY lead you to happiness?
Look around you. Look at your partner. Did have this kind of non-emotional sex make him happy? Did it really lead him to deeper sense of connection with life. Did it satisfy his deepest core?
And you mentioned that he was a sex addict. This NOT freedom. This is addiction, and addiction is the another word for enslavement. (Doesn’t matter to what you are addicted)
If you look you will find...
Your partner is providing you with a valuable lesson of what to do if you want to end up unhappy. You partner has proven to you that every non-emotional, wayward, lying, cheating and deceitful choice has a consequence and they DO NOT LEAD to happiness.
So, instead of looking as his mistakes as pointers of "what it means to be free" notice instead where they have lead him. Where is he now? Would you want be where he is? Because if you follow in his footsteps, do as he does, YOU too will end up with exactly what he got.
Last question:
" I feel like I'm drifting so far away...and I am a changed woman....My eyes have suddenly been opened. Satisfied with my life in the past. but not now....seems like I am just waiting for the chance...to...be someone else...I think I need to be, perhaps to get over this mess....what do I do....
My answer: Susan, I agree you are a changed woman. You have met with adversity and adversity changes you forever. But, you can and You will, survive with your dignity and self respect intact.
TIPS TO SURVIVE INFIDELITY
1. Take care of yourself.
When women are going through infidelity, because of the sense of rejection and abandonment they feel from their partners -they tend to respond by rejecting and abandoning themselves - this causes secondary wounding. Please don’t allow this. Take care of your self - this means getting extra sleep right now. Take naps. Take walks. Pamper yourself. Do what you need to do to stay healthy
2. Stock up these
You are in an extremely vulnerable state. It’s a combination of grief , rage, helplessness, and uncontrollable crying. It’s an emotional roller coaster that depletes your emotional energy and cause your body to get run down. Go out and stock up on the following: Vitamin C, fruits, oatmeal, green vegetables. Orange & apple juice. Take care of your health daily.
3. Decide to love your pain away.
You can't hate your way of out pain. You can beat yourself up out of feeling bad, you can’t find the light by analyzing darkness. You have to love your way out of pain. This means being gentle with yourself, as you learn to cope. Be compassionate towards yourself, because nothing ( and i mean nothing) could have prepared you for this crisis . Be accepting towards your disappointment, towards your anger, your sadness, your shock and disbelief, because it’s totally normal. Be loving towards your healing process. This is going to take a while. If you broke your arm, you wouldn’t rush it to heal would you? well it's the same with emotional wounds, they take time to heal.
4. You have begun to heal already.
You might not know it. But your journey back to wholeness has already begun. The fact that you are angry, contemplating a revenge-affair, asking "what should i do" and how can i get over this" are all signs you are headed in the right direction. Ask and you shall receive. Knock and EVERY door will be opened. It’s by seeking the way out of suffering. That the way is opened to you
Final thoughts...
Obviously i couldn’t address every question in your email. so my response is act like an emergency room doctor and tend to the most urgent concerns first.
To help you with the rest…
I suggest you get some personal counseling. ( separate from marriage counseling) At this point it really helps to find a safe environment to get all these hurt feelings out.
And I also suggest that you get marriage counseling, to help you decide if this relationship can be saved, and if you want to put the energy and effort it takes to do so.
Be sure to find yourself a counselor who has knowledge and experience dealing with infidelity and working with infidelity . And I highly recommend you do it this week.
Another suggestion…
Join a support group for betrayed wives. If you Google it you will find a group in your area.
Also,
Start a healing journal. You say you like to read. ( well you used
to anyway) well since you've lost the pleasure of reading maybe now it's time to write.
The famous Author Stephen king has a theory that all avid readers are writers. Just from reading your email I sense you are good writer. I suggest you use your writing as a tool to survive this experience is. Years from now, when you look back, you will able to see how much you’ve grown and then your work can be passed as a testimony to others who will walk this same path.
Well, Susan, I have covered, just about all I can at this point. If you would like further insights from me about surviving infidelity you can go to http://www.goasksuzie.com/ and read more articles I wrote on the topic
