About David Rhodes Expertise Questions related to adultery, abuse, broken relationships. Counselor since 1991 and I have seen and heard just about every story ever told about adultery. First, there is no such thing as just an "emotional affair". "Forsake all others" should mean something. Secondly, the rebuilding a marriage marred by adultery can be stronger, more loving, and fulfilling than you ever imagined. Happiness and peace can be yours once again.
Experience Counselor since 1991 specializing in marital.
Organizations American Psychological Association
National Christian Counselors Association
Education/Credentials Bachelors - Ashland University, Ashland, Ohio
MBA - Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, Ohio
PhD - Freedom Bible College, Rogers, Arkansas (under study)
Past/Present Clients Volunteer in "Marriage" category
Expert: David Rhodes Date: 5/12/2008 Subject: DEVISTATED OLD EX RETURNS TWICE
Question About a month ago my husband confessed he had feelings for another woman. My heart was crushed. I have been married for 25 years. Happily, I thought. I don't think I have ever felt so devastated. My husband has even told me I was a good wife, thoughtful and caring. He did complain that sex had gotten stale. But, I have been a good wife and he loves me. He says that he also, wants our marriage to work.
This woman found him on google and emailed him. She was an old flame he was engaged to. It all started out Hi, Your name came up at Christmas, etc. It went from emails, phone calls at work and voice mails, and phone sex and then ended up in a motel room. She lives in another state and I am thinking that is the only reason it took them a month to get to the hotel room.
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> He felt guilty and confessed after a couple of months of seeing this woman. I knew who she was. She stood him up while they were engaged at Christmas. She was suppose to have been seeing another guy. The one she married. My husband told me she purchased him caramel corn for his birthday and he bought her a beautiful robe,etc. Seemed to me she didn't care much. The relationship was one sided. He broke off the engagement. Life goes on and I came into the picture. She called him 2 weeks before we married and he told her "I am getting married." I was there when she called his home. So, I know this woman knew he was marrying me.
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> After he told me about his affair, it took him almost another month to finally end the emails and phone calls. This was only because there became a point where he thought she might rat on him about an affair they had 2 years into our marriage in 1984. I NEVER knew about this one. Looking back I can almost pinpoint when it happened because of the way he acted at one point in our marriage. But, I never knew what was wrong with him. He confessed that she came into town on business and she called him. Funny thing is... he says he remembers meeting her... but he doesn't remember much else. The much else is... that when he met with her all those years ago at a local department store, she told him that they went back to her hotel room and had sex. He doesn't remember that! He said HE REALLY DOESNT REMEMBER IT! He even told the therapist he didn't remember it. I asked him which hotel? He didn't know or remember. When he asked her what hotel,she didn't remember because she isn't from around here. I think I would remember taking a man back to my hotel and having sex with him. Especially, if I had gotten pregnant and he was married.
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> She was pretty angry that he had forgotten their little escapade in the hotel.
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> A month into their affair this time, they met at a hotel room and she showed him a sonogram from 1984 and said that she had gotten pregnant. She lost the baby after 11 weeks. (She is also a nurse, so I figured she could get one of these sonograms quiet easily.) She said she didn't have any children because losing that child has prevented her from having children.
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> My question to him was... why didn't she call you when she found out she was pregnant? He said, her reply was... "I didn't want to destroy your marriage." My thinking was, it was a perfect time to get him if she wanted him. I was only married 2 years and we didn't have our son until 3 years later. So, she wants to destroy it now? >
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>Now afer 23 more years she tells him she loves him and wants him. That she didn't know what had gone wrong back in the old days but she thought he was cheating and that it was him. No matter what happens she always wants them to be BEST FRIENDS-
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> When he pretty much told her the only way he would be able to repair his marriage, and her too, was to not call each other or email. He spent an hour and a half on the phone trying to tell her how to repair her marriage. I was listening. It took him 5 phone calls and an email to try and end it with her. The email was hurtful for me because when I read it, it stated that she would always be the one. She didn't deserve to start out as friends and end up as long distance lovers and also he didn't use her. Telling her this and all the things she needed to do to help put her marriage back together. She even told him that when her husband found out he made her sleep in the car. The poor pitiful me syndrome. After changing my husbands cell phone number she wrote him another email wanting a number in case she had an emergency or was she going to have to PAY to get his new number?
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> It didn't take her 24 hours after that conversation until she had written him an e-mail full of guilt about how he has a son. Even though his son is upset with him and the affair, at least HE HAS ONE. She goes on to explain how she could never have children because of the child they had together and lost. Also, she told him that he told her they would always be friends. How could a friend turn his back on her like this? That she knew what they did was wrong but she didn't regret it.
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> My husband is a very caring man. I told him that is one of the traits that I loved about him. But enough is enough.
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> Well, he has 2 email addresses that they chatted on.
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> He still has them. All together he has 6 emails. When I question him about them, He tells me she isn't writing to him on them. I asked him why he still has her emails and why he still has the addresses. He won't say anything. I don't want to keep on and on... but it would make me feel better to know the reason. I guess I want to make sure they still aren't talking. I read some of them and she sounds to me like a nut. I think maybe he is keeping them in case she causes trouble later on.
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> The marriage therapy has gotten better but He still won't open up to me. He says in time he will. I feel emotionally abandoned. He has had someone to talk to and emotionally bond with, I have been left hanging. We are working on our marriage. I told him I needed emotional assurance that she is gone and won't be back in our marriage. He won't really respond. He thinks I am acting like "Poor Pitiful Me." I even emailed him and wrote him my deepest feelings and he didn't respond. He just says she isn't emailing or calling him. It is so hard to trust. What do I need to do. He will give me the passwords to the emails and then after I look into them, he changes the password. I don't get it... maybe some form of control.
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> He told me that when we went to therapy, everytime the therapist said the word affair that it felt like a knife stabbing through his heart. It is almost like... "Well, I told you I am not taking to her. Forget about it! Lets get on with our lives." I am afraid she will show up again. . I found out that early in their affair, he had purchased another cell phone and had minutes put on it to talk to her. This is why there wasn't any records on our cell phone bill. When I found out about it, I busted the cell phone to pieces. He was trying to regain trust after he told me about the affair, and would leave his personal cell phone with me everyday to prove he was on the up and up. I checked cell phone records and he activated the cell phone with the original cell phone. That is how I found out about the purchased phone. Spouses beware of those purchased cell phones with minutes. SNEAKY!
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> Also, we went together and closed a p.o. box he had paid for. She sent him things to this p.o. box from his past. Pictures of them when they dated and cards she made telling him how much she loved him and how she was so glad to have found him. It was almost like there was another side to my husband that I never new exsisted. He didn't even act like my husband.
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> The truth is hard to handle at times. I have been through it. I am having a hard time. Every time we make love I see them. It is making me sick and I need to get beyond it. What is it about this woman. Middle age crisis??? I told him I can't believe that one, cause she showed up 2 years into our marriage. He was 28. Sex a little stale? Well, two years into our marriage it was rocking... so can't be that. Then vs now? What is it about this woman. He says he don't know? He has been trying to figure it out.
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I love my husband. We have had many wonderful happy years together. We went to Hawaii and renewed our wedding vows on our 25th wedding anniversary. This is serious stuff. Not just once but twice this woman has shown her face in my marriage. We are in marriage therapy. I have also gotten an appointment for my own therapy. This whole thing has really gotten to me. Could this woman be lying? Why would my husband keep going back to her? So many questions?
Answer Hi Kay:
There is one and only one way this issue is going to get behind you.
You husband must once and for all - PERMANENTLY sever all ties and all communication with this woman of any kind.
He needs to email her and copy you telling her that she is NEVER to email, call, approach, or contact him in any way, shape or form.
He should state that, if she does attempt to contact him, that he will have no choice but to report her to law enforcement authorities.
It needs to be that brutal.
Anything short of that is always going to leave the door open to her. That door has to be slammed shut, nailed closed, and buried in concrete.
I have seen this so many times. He must end all contact before life can even begin to move forward.
Let me know if he gives you any resistance to doing this. That could be a sign of something that needs further attention.
