AboutSuzie Johnson Expertise Author of How to Infidelity-Proof your marriage and Forgiving Infidelity. I will answer your question about Surviving, Overcoming or Healing and Forgiving Infidelity. I deal with all 3 people involved in the unhappy triangle. The Wayward Partner, The Betrayed Partner and The "Other Person". My mission is laser-focus and can be summed up in six words..."To heal is to make happy". Thank you for your question and the opportunity to serve.
Experience 8 1/2 years of private practice and many products sold in 65 countries dealing with infidelity and sexuality for committed couples.
Education/Credentials Master of Ericksonian style of clinical hypnosis and neuro -linguistics.
Expert: Suzie Johnson Date: 5/6/2008 Subject: Husbands Infidelity
Question About a month ago my husband confessed he had feelings for another woman. My heart was crushed. I have been married for 25 years. Happily, I thought. I don't think I have ever felt so devistated. My husband has even told me I was a good wife, thoughtful and caring. Sex had gotten stale. But, I have been a good wife and he loves me. Also, wants our marriage to work.
This woman found him on google and emailed him. It all started out Hi, Your name came up at Christmas, etc. It went from emails, phone calls at work and then ended up in a motel room.
He felt guilty and confessed after a couple of months of seeing this woman. Then, He finally confessed it was an old flame he was once engaged to just before I came into his life. I knew who she was. She stood him up on Christmas. Was suppose to have been seeing another guy. She purchased him caramel corn for Christmas and he bought her a beautiful robe,etc. Seemed to me she didn't care much.
It took him almost another month to finally end the emails and phone calls after telling me about her. This was only because there became a point where he thought she might rat on him about an affair they had 2 years into our marriage in 1984. He confessed that she came into town on business and she called him. Funny thing is... he says he remembers meeting her... but he doesn't remember much else. The much else is... that when he met with her all those years ago at a local department store, she told him that they went back to her hotel room and had sex. He doesn't remember that! He said HE REALLY DOESNT REMEMBER IT! He even told the therapist he didn't remember it.
She was pretty angry that he had forgotten their little escapade in the hotel.
A month into their affair this time, they met at a hotel room and she showed him a sonogram from 1984 and said that she had gotten pregnant. She lost the baby after 11 weeks. (She is also a nurse, so I figured she could get one of these sonograms quiet easily.) She said she didn't have any children because losing that child has prevented her from having children.
My question to him was... why didn't she call you when she found out she was pregnant? He said, her reply was... "I didn't want to destroy your marriage." My thinking was a perfect time to get him if she wanted him. I was only married 2 years and we didn't have our son until 3 years later.
But now afer 23 more years she tells him she loves him and wants him. She always wants them to be BEST FRIENDS-
When he pretty much told her the only way he would be able to repair his marriage, and her too, was to not call each other or email. He spent an hour and a half on the phone trying to tell her how to repair her marriage. I was listening. It took him 5 phone calls to try and end it with her. Telling her all the things she needed to do to help put it back together. She even told him that when her husband found out he made her sleep in the car.
It didn't take her 24 hours after that conversation until she had written him an email full of guilt about how he has a son. Even though his son is upset with him and the affair, at least he has one. She goes on to explain how she could never have children because of the child they had together and lost. Also, she told him that he told her they would always be friends. How could a friend turn his back on her like this? That she knew what they did was wrong but she didn't regret it.
My husband is a very caring man. I told him that is one of the traits that I loved about him. But enough is enough.
Well, he has 2 email addresses that they chatted on.
He still has them. All together he has 6 emails. When I question him about them, He ignores my questions. I asked him why he still has her emails and why he still has the addresses. He won't say anything. I don't want to keep on and on... but it would make me feel better to know the reason. I guess I want to make sure they still aren't talking. I read some of them and she sounds to me like a nut. I think maybe he is keeping them in case she causes trouble later on.
The marriage therapy has gotten better but He still won't open up to me. He says in time he will. I feel emotionally abandoned. He has had someone to talk to and emotionally bond wiht, I have been left hanging. We are working on our marriage. I told him I needed emotional assurance that she is gone and won't be back in our marriage. He won't respond. He thinks I am acting like "Poor Pitiful Me." I even emailed him and wrote him my deepest feelings and he didn't respond. What do I need to do.
He told me that when we went to therapy, everytime the therapist said the word affair that it felt like a knife stabbing through his heart. It is almost like... "Well, I told you I am not taking to her. Forget about it! Lets get on with our lives." I guess I am afraid she will show up again. When I question him he gets angry. He said that she hold him that, I hammer him. I guess repeated questions about still talking to her and after I found out about the affair asking him to end it is hammering? I busted the cell phone he purchased to talk to her after he left the original one with me everyday to prove he was on the up and up. I checked cell phone records and he activated the cell phone with the original cell phone.
Also, we went together and closed a p.o. box he had paid for. These things are so out of character of him.
But the truth is hard to handle at times. I have been through it. I am having a hard time. Everytime we make love I see them. It is making me sick and I need to get beyond it. What is it about this woman. Middle age crisis.. I told him I can't believe that one cause she showed up 2 years into our marriage. He was 28. Sex a little stale? Well, two years into our marriage it was rocking... so can't be that. Then vs now? What is it about this woman. He says he don't know?
Need your opinion. I hate to throw 25 years and 2 years of dating down the drain, but this is serious stuff. Not just once but twice? Help!
Answer Dear Jan,
Thank you for the opportunity to serve.
Re: your questions.
You situation is indeed a complicated one. and i agree "this is serious stuff"
However I am currently out of town attending a professional conference and will not be able to give your concerns the full attention it deserves at the moment.
This leaves you with two options...
You can wait for my return and feedback ( about 6 days)
or submit these questions to another expert.
If you would like me to share my insights and ideas when i return, just drop me an e-mail saying so, and I will do it
