AboutS. Kessler Expertise I can answer most any question about Adultery. I have experience in dealing with what to expect, how it makes you feel when you find out, etc. My first marriage ended after my "ex" cheated on me. I know how it feels to be cheated on and what you experience while going through adultery. I will answer any of your questions on Adultery to the best of my ability. I have extensive knowledge on this subject. How it not only effect you but your whole family (including the children). I can give you answers on how to deal with it, some of the signs a mate may be cheating, etc. All questions about adultery are welcome.
Expert: S. Kessler Date: 5/19/2008 Subject: Phone call
Question QUESTION: Today I got a call that my husband is cheating again. This is the 3rd time How
do I focus? After trying to talk to him. Tonight he called me a Cunt... He
signed a post nuptial yrs ago, now he claims he's going to have me committed.
Telling me I'm insane.
ANSWER: Hi Jill~
What a pompous, arrogant ass he's being to you! First of all he can't have you committed. That's funny he'd even tell you something so ridiculous and ignorant. You should just laugh at him for making a stupid comment like that. Anyway, he's insulting your intelligence by treating you this way. It's highly unlikely that he's going to change his cheating ways either. It's not like this was the first time and he made a mistake and won't do it again. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. So he's not going to stop being unfaithful anytime soon.
He has done nothing for you besides to degrade, cut you down, call you names and totally disrespect you. You can't keep putting up with this treatment, you don't deserve it at all. He can't make you feel inferior w/o your permission. You have to take that power away from him and stop letting him abuse you with words and actions. So while you can't control the way he acts, you do control the way you react to him (and others). You have a choice here to make. You either choose to stay with him and endure this treatment forever. Or you decide that you're not going to be treated this way one moment longer.
See a person can only take so much of something before they break. The question to ask yourself is when is your breaking point? How much longer are you willing to put up with this before you finally say, NO MORE?! It all starts with you. There has to come a point where you get tired of being treated like a doormat. He's the one that made the poor choices to sleep with other women, not you. He's taking all of this out on you, and that's just unacceptable and not right. You have to do something about this and stop tolerating his bad behavior and disrespect of you. You really must get out now before he gets worse, he could turn physical one day taking out all his anger, etc on you. Protect yourself at all costs, get out now while you can.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: My husband knows how to work me and push buttons. Since he is a
diagnosed sociopath, I was warned that I'll never be able to please him to the
point of keeping him from cheating. While he's denied this last affair, just as
in the two other affairs that he had with his ex wife, he used excuses to
blame me for any of his actions.
While I get very hurt and angry, I have never been one to hold grudges nor
stay mad at anyone. I am very forgiving of people.
How do I get angry and stay angry.? I try a lot of self talk, then I always seem
to be the one begging him to come back. I need to change my behavior and
thinking and I don't know how. How do I change me?
Answer Hi Jill~
It's not a matter of getting mad and angry at him and staying that way. It's about how he doesn't have a right to treat you this way. Forgiveness is a good thing, however he's taking advantage of your niceness and forgiving ways. You have to stop allowing him to do this to you. You are giving away your power and control to him. He knows this, so of course, he's going to continue to treat you this way. This has got to stop, period.
He's robbed you of your self-worth, self-dignity, self-respect and self-esteem. He's broken your spirit so much so that you don't know what to do about this or how to even begin to reclaim yourself from him. You'd be better off w/o him in your life, and you should seriously consider divorcing him too. Unless and until you get him out of your life completely you're not going to be able to stand up to him and be strong. Sometimes divorce is a very necessary evil.
I would recommend a book called "Self Matters" by Dr Phil. It's a very good book, I read it myself. Anything by him is good and informative. The point is that you have to come to a point where this isn't okay for him to do this to you (meaning the cheating, degrading, being disrespectful, etc). You need to start focusing on yourself and doing things for yourself. This means rebuilding your self-worth, esteem, spirit, etc. It's going to take some time though. The biggest thing is to stand up to him and not take this treatment any longer. You must take back that control and power that you've given away to him. The hardest part is taking the first step and then actually going through with it. But you can do it you just have to muster up enough strength from within or lay down and give up and continue to put up with the way he's treating you (which by the way is inapproprate and unacceptable). The choice is ultimately up to you and it all starts with you.
