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Topic: Adultery

Expert: Suzie Johnson
Date: 5/7/2008
Subject: Salvage my 4 months marriage

Question
QUESTION: Hi Suzie,

I have checked several stores in my area and I don't think I can get a copy of the movie. In the case that I can't get a hold of the movie, is there any other ways to carry on this experiment?

I have read some spoilers regarding the movie you recommended and also knowing that the 80/20 rule is about those guys think that they are only able to get 80% from their wives and always have the tendency to look for the other 20% from someone else. So I should be asking her from the perspective that she has the same mentality as those guys in the movie, right?

Thanks and Regards
HH

ANSWER: Dear HH,

sorry you arent able to locate that movie. I know it is available at Target/walmart stores as well as NetFlicks.com in the USA. How ever I unsure about where it would be avaiable in your neck of the woods

Re: Alternatives

Unfortunately, I dont have an alternative movie-therapy suggestion, that matches your situation. The reason that movie would have worked for you was simply because your counsoler has already introduced 80/20 in regards to honesty, etc.

Here's a thought:

How about you enjoy your mini-break with your wife... keep your focus on re-seducing her. Forget for a while the problems at home, forget about the coversations with counselers & experts for a few days. Instead focus on whats in front of you.

Imagine, you are on your honeymoon and treat the time you spend with her as precious. It's my opinion that all things work together for good. So the fact that you arent able to do this experiment at this time, is in divine order.

Until we speak again,

SuzieJ

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Suzie,

Just one night before our holiday, my wife took the guy's car again and lied to me. Even after i confronted her about it, she insisted on lying to me. That very night I have to go out for a while, during this time, I almost 100% sure that she called the guy to talk about our problems and what I have found out. I would be able to verify this call once the bill comes in.

Eventually we decided to put things aside and just enjoy our holiday. We had quite a fruitful trip and we spend quite good quality time together. I also shared the book on love languages with her, and both of us was reading it during the holiday.

She is still contacting the guy through phone calls and text messaging after we came back from the trip. This is after she promised her best girlfriend and myself that she would not have any contacts with this guy after office hours. I did not confront her about this as I think I should heed your advice about backfire.

I related this incident to my counsellor, and also about a particular conversation where I told my wife that I can accept her friendship with this guy if it is just acquitance like, but warn her not to go to the point where either she lose her friendship with him or our marriage. My counsellor said that I should have been firmer and more assertive with my stance and not allow this friendship to continue.

Now he ask me to let the kite(my wife) lose and give her more space to do what she wants and not to touch on this issue at all with her for 2 months. He wants me to just focus on other aspects of our relationship, and just monitor the situation after 2 months. After that, if things are still going in the wrong direction, then will be the time that I take a firmer stance. He seems to be asking me to test the water, to see if anything is getting out of control (Emotional Affair).

I would like to know your opinion on my current situation.

P.S. I have tried to download your audio files at your website, but was informed by your husband that some upgrading is going on. I would love to listen to them and get more insigts. When will the audio files be available again?

Answer
Dear HH,

Thank you for the opportunity to serve.
Re: continued contact.
In my experience, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. The Lying and deception, certainly points to secrecy and a need to protect something
.
But, is the “secrecy” and “lying” the REAL issue or are they simply the symptoms?

So in my opinion, they are NOT .

It’s my opinion that the real issue in your relationship - is trust.

Here’s the thing about trust...

It’s the most misunderstood word/metaphor in relationships. Everybody wants it. Nobody knows how to create it. Many people assume that trust is a one way street, meaning - this person is trustworthy or not. However once you get into a committed relationship - trust becomes an exchange – its now a two way street.

In other words IF you want a trusting relationship, YOU have to be willing to trust AND allow the other person to learn they CAN trust you.

So trust has to be “created”. It’s NOT automatic.

The consistent things I hear you saying, is that she tells you one thing and then does another, or that she won't tell you how she feels about certain things. I also hear you saying, you don’t know if you can trust her at this point (understandable given her history of deception)

However both point to the same issue...

Trust. Her trusting you enough to tell you the truth, and YOU trusting her enough to allow her to live a life outside of you.
( see the similarity?)

There's a lot of confusion between trust and faith. How is faith different from trust?

Here’s how: with faith, you don’t have any "visible" evidence, and yet you believe. As a matter of fact it sounds to me that is what your counselor is wanting you to develop… more faith.

Faith is independent. Even if turns out that your wife has crossed a line somewhere… It’s your “trust” that would be lost, not your “faith” in life.

Trust however, is an "exchange" activity. You give someone your trust, whom you believe is worthy of it. This makes trust a “gift”. It’s not something you can “earn” it’s simply an exchange from one equal to another. Trust is ever expanding. It’s an ongoing, evolving process. It's based on evidence, it’s based on memory, it’s based on YOUR abilities to respect each other’s freedoms and it's built on foundations of safety, honesty and non judgment.

In other words, it takes two people to create trust. You can’t just "ask for trust. Or demand trust. And you can’t “earn” trust. (it’s priceless) It’s a gift. From one deserving person to another.

The question is..

How do you make it safe enough for her to trust?
Here are Some general pointers to help you:

Impeccable Inner-guidance: You must trust that she is best equipped to determine their her own needs, and have faith that left to her own devices she is also equipped to get those needs met.

Compassionate Communication: She would rather be communicated "with" than spoken to. In relationships with High trust values - there are no "demands" only requests.

Free-will: she has the right to self-regulate, self assess and self correct. (in other words: correcting HER is NOT your function)

Freedom: People will disconnect from anything/anyone that tries to control/or silence their voice, opinions or preferences and they will align with anyone/anything that gives them a voice, and allows them to the freedom to express themselves as they want to.

Marriage: Marriage is a “partnership” agreement. NOT a “ownership” or a life sentence.

Emotions: Emotions belong solely to the individual. Her emotions do not belong to you, nor do yours belong to her. You have no "rights" to her emotions any more than you have "rights" to her liver.

Faith:(This one is the hardest) Your wife is a human being and human beings are inherently good. ( even when they are out of your sight!)
Sounds Simple and logical when you look at them right?

But are they easy to live?
Nope. They are not. ( believe me I'm still working on them in my own marriage!)

But are they worth striving for?

Absolutely.

If you’re ready to accept that trust is the foundation of happy marriage, then you now understand why it’s worth striving for.

Some final thoughts.

1.Trust is not built alone. It takes two, because it’s an exchange
2.However you have to “take the lead” and be the one to begin the work.
3.Google “trust-building” exercises and see what comes up. You both need to look for ways to strengthen the trust bond in your marriage.

Keep working with your counselor.

And as you are asked to do things that seems to go against your "instincts" - remember, like Rome, trust isn’t built in a day

And one last thing…

What if you fail?

What if after all the counseling, trust-building? Expert advice seeking, it turns out that your worse suspicions are confirmed and she has fallen in love with this other man?

This is what’s called “FEAR”.

It’s an insidious emotion that we all have to deal with. So, part of dealing with fear is to first recognize what the word stands for: F.E.A.R> false. Evidence. Appearing. Real

The minute you “feel” fear you have made something that has NOT happened “real”.

And by “making it real in your mind, you highly increase the chances of it becoming real in the life. ( don’t do this anymore)

Instead. Face your dragons. Face your insecurities. And you will discover. YOU are greater than any problem, any challenge, any difficulties that can EVER arise in the future.

Don’t “worry” about what hasn’t happened. Instead. Put your energy towards making dam sure you create a relationship you both love being in.

Sincerely
suzieJ
PS
Re: Audio downloadables
I am in the middle of upgrading those. ( with more than 24 titles its taking me a while) I hope to have everything back online by the end of June. Hopefully by then you wont need them!

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