AboutDanine Manette Expertise Recognizing, uncovering, and dealing with infidelity are my specialities. I can provide advice on how to uncover infidelity in your relationship, whether or not to confront your spouse/partner, and how to deal with the aftermath. I am able to walk victims through the steps of recovery from an affair which include, but are not limited to, shock, rage, pain, guilt, depression, fear, physical illness, thoughts of revenge, betrayal, letting go, learning to trust again, moving on with or without your partner, becomming a healthier new you, and affair proofing your marriage.
Experience I have been on all three sides of the cheating triangle, but dealt with it most extensively as the victim of infidelity in my current marriage. I am also a criminal investigator who has worked as a milieu therapist and a probation officer. For more information about my experience discussing relationship issues, please view the media page on my website at http://www.ultimatebetrayal.com/Media.html
Publications I am the author of Ultimate Betrayal: Recognizing, Uncovering and Dealing with Infidelity (SquareOne Publishers 2005)
Education/Credentials BA in social welfare from Univ of California at Berkeley.
Juris Doctorate from Univ of California Hastings Law.
Past/Present Clients Numerous, too many to estimate. I was a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show in May and August 2005, and have been a featured guest expert on the topic of infidelity and relationships for numerous television, radio, newspaper and Internet pieces.
Question Hello. My marriage was awesome up until the birth of our daughter. We had a great courtship, marriage and subsequent birth of our daughter. After the birth, my wife lost all interest in sex, housekeeping, etc. I know she sufferred from postpartum depression. I was patient. I worked 3rd shift and as a manager, have extremely long hours. Last spring i couldn't take it any longer and did some serious thinking about continuing the relationship. An old girlfriend had contacted me and I debated on leaving or staying. I love my wife, and recommitted myself to her. I was sent to Georgia by the military, she refused to go with me. 3 weeks after arriving is when I found out. Along with a 2000 cell bill i found out she had fell in love with a guy in Canada. She had been talking to him for 5 months at that point. I was devistated. She told me in a 3 way phone conversation that she loved him and no longer cared about me. It crushed me. I filed for divorce, cut off her money except for child support. 3 months went by and she calls saying she wants to work it out. I went back home for 10 days before I went to Iraq and tried to work it out. Her computer was cleaned out but i did find 2 chat records, a phone call from a canadian number was on the phone dated a day before i arrived. In the chat log, she laughs about "i'm going to come into a lot of money soon" because she was the beneficiary of my life insurance and i'm going to iraq. she claims she had stopped talking to him about a month after the confrontation and she re-evaluated everything and made her decision. I so want to believe her, but i cannot. Its going on 5 months since i've physically been with her. I think she is just using me for a mealticket until i get back, then dump me. I go through terrible anxiety attacks over this whole deal. I think of how much i love her, then something will trigger bad thoughts and i nearly break with doubt, fear and grief. She is a housewife and has our daughter with her. She barely finds the time to email me daily. I've gotten pictures once since i've been in Iraq. I love her so much, but i absolutely don't trust her...what do i do?
Answer Hi Jacob,
I am so sorry for the pain, frustration and confusion in your life right now. Not only are you uncertain about things with you wife and young child, but being so far away and in an extremely stressful environment, it's a miracle you are able to maintain your sanity.
Jacob, I do not know your wife, and therefore cannot make any character judgements in regard to her, but what I do believe in my heart is that she is jerking you around. Perhaps she is trying to even the score because of the situation with your ex girlfriend, but it seems as though she may be playing a cruel game in order to satisfy some need for attention, revenge, or as an ego boost. Either way, you need to draw the line in the sand. You cannot continue to build up hope that the relationship can be repaired as long as she continues to hide, sneak, and keep you in the dark. It seems as though she is speaking from both sides of her mouth by telling you one thing but then emailing this other guy something completely different.
I don't know what her game is Jacob, but I need you to stop being her pawn. I know it is killing you that you cannot be with her or your daughter, but unfortunately she holds all of the cards right now. My suggestion to you is to take the fun away from her by refusing to be a pawn in her game anymore. Stop discussing your feelings with her or talking about the relationship. When she does email you, make your responses brief and ONLY about your daughter. WHEN you return home, you need to focus on you, your daughter and YOUR life apart from her. I know it is difficult to do now while you are away but I truly believe she is using your vulnerability right now against you, and as a way to control you emotionally. As difficult as it may be, Jacob, you need to totally check out of this relationship, or at least give the appearance that you have done so.
What will this accomplish? First, it will make her realize what she is giving up by not having you in her life. Second, it will take the power to continue to control you away from her, and put you back in control of your life and your emotions. And third, it will likely scare her because she may realize that her game playing might actually cause her to lose a good man...you. Additionally, if this is related to post-pardom issues then perhaps you're withdrawl will encourage her to seek help instead of outside distractions.
I know that this is a difficult strategy, but at this time you cannot control anyone but YOURself and YOUR actions. You cannot make her stop playing games with you but you CAN keep from being a pawn in her game. I hope things work out for you two because your daughter needs both of you in her life. But as long as she keeps lying, sneaking, and jerking you around, you can not move in the direction of recovery. Therefore, begin leaning how to take care of you, your daughter, and preparing yourself for the possibility of living life without her in it.
Take care Jacob, and thank you for your selfless service to this great country!
