AboutSuzie Johnson Expertise Author of How to Infidelity-Proof your marriage and Forgiving Infidelity. I will answer your question about Surviving, Overcoming or Healing and Forgiving Infidelity. I deal with all 3 people involved in the unhappy triangle. The Wayward Partner, The Betrayed Partner and The "Other Person". My mission is laser-focus and can be summed up in six words..."To heal is to make happy". Thank you for your question and the opportunity to serve.
Experience 8 1/2 years of private practice and many products sold in 65 countries dealing with infidelity and sexuality for committed couples.
Education/Credentials Master of Ericksonian style of clinical hypnosis and neuro -linguistics.
Expert: Suzie Johnson Date: 5/1/2008 Subject: Wifes Affair
Question My wife left me last August. She had an affair since that April. I was at Fort Benning at the time of discovery. I got a $2000 cell phone bill with a ton of calls to Canada. She claimed it was a girlfriend and that she was sorry. I called the number and a guy answered. He played along with her story. Come to find out, he was the guy. To make a long story short, in a conversation among the 3 of us, he asked her what she wanted and she told him that she loved him and didn't care for me. I asked her why would she say she loved me during all of this. She said "i loved you as a friend". I was devistated. That was the single most painful experience of my life. I got a lawyer and got underway. Once she found out she wouldn't get alimony her tone changed. At Thanksgiving, she called and wanted to start talking again. She said she no longer spoke to him and that it was over and she wanted us to work. I came back home from Fort Benning for 10 days before I headed out to Iraq. When I got home, i found a call from canada from the day prior. I found 2 chat logs as well. In one, she states "i'll be coming into a lot of money soon" and how she was the beneficiary of my life insurance and that the "fool" was going to iraq. I tried to forget the past and move on from that point. Now i'm in iraq. She is a housewife. She tells me she loves me, but she gets "sick" every 7 to 10 days and won't email for 3 or 4 days. I don't trust her. I go through terrible anxiety attacks when she goes MIA. The doubt, fear and sadness in nearly unbearable. I don't know how to control it. I think she is still cheating on me or at a minimum using me for a meal ticket. On the other hand I love her with all of my heart. I don't know what to do.
Answer Dear Jacob,
Thank you for the opportunity to serve. After reading your e-mail, I can only imagine how much turmoil you must be experiencing at this time in your life.
however, since you are asking for help. Help is available now.
Let's take the bull by the horn.
You are a soldier, so I am going to assume you prefer to be dealt with directly and precisely. So lets jump right in.
1st insight:
If this were a head trauma, the wound would be massive and bleeding. In other words..Betrayal is an emotional wound and it hurts. This can be especially for the male mind to comprehend. Since the wound is invisible and pain is not physical, the tendency is to “Dum it down
And yet, like the wind, just because you cant see it or touch it, doesn't mean its not real.
Infidelity is a raw pain that strikes with the precision and force nuclear warhead. It rips apart innocence, disintegrates trust, crushes your manhood, wounds your pride and unbalances your emotional security. and just like a nuclear bomb, there's just no getting around the collateral damage.
The doubts, fears, sadness, loss of trust, anxiety, and feeling played for a fool, are all the effects
The restriction in the chest, mild panic, irritability, heavy-heartedness, moodiness, anxiety etc, are all part of what's known as the emotional roller coaster. I know it's difficult to bear, but I promise you, just the fact you are at the point when you can "ask" for help, means that rocky period is coming to an end.
Two things to keep in mind:
-Betrayal is an emotional wound and it hurts. I know you are a tough guy, but emotionally you are not immune. You have to be gentle with yourself, as you go through those symptoms right now.
- The emotional-roller coaster is no fun. But it will pass. You are not going crazy or "losing" it. There are some things you can do to help minimize the effects, let me know if you want suggestions.
2nd insight...
You wrote: "in a conversation among the 3 of us, he asked her what she wanted and she told him that she loved him and didn't care for me"
This is a classic.
I know, from where you stand its hard for you to understand, but, having years of experience in this area, allow me to explain what I mean by this .
I have an intuition,
at the time of that phone call, your wife was experiencing what's known as the "emotional fog".
What’s the emotional Fog?
It's a heighten state of emotional interest that looks a lot like a teenage infatuation. Many people who have affairs find themselves caught up in this kind of "fog" where they do/act/ & say things that are irrational, needy, and often times are willing to throw the primary partner "under the bus". These feelings are extremely intense. I often advise betrayed partner that whatever is said during the times when a wayward partner is in the "emotional fog" should be treated the same as if that partner was drunk or drugged. Basically, it's same thing.
However, just like being "drunk" is no excuse to hurt someone, being in an emotional fog is no excuse to be cruel . I am using the "drunk" analogy, as a way of helping to understanding where the those words might have been coming from
3rd insight.
You wrote: "When I got home, i found a call from canada from the day prior. I found 2 chat logs as well. In one, she states "i'll be coming into a lot of money soon" and how she was the beneficiary of my life insurance and that the "fool" was going to iraq."
( BTW: I almost spilled my hot tea all over myself when I read that)
I must admit. Something about this puzzles me..
So, I must ask: did you actually read those lines in your chat-logs (word for word) or are you paraphrasing for the sake of saving time while you wrote that e-mail?
also: what's the timeline for those chat-logs? was it BEFORE you found out about them and had that 3-way call, or what it after you had reconciled? Please fill in the blanks for me honestly and accurately. When I know more about those chat-logs, then I will comment.
4th insight.
You wrote: "I think she is still cheating on me or at a minimum using me for a meal ticket. On the other hand I love her with all of my heart. I don't know what to do"
Here's what concerns me.
I get the sense that you would prefer to know she was "using you for a meal ticket" versus cheating on you. ( I am not saying you would want either – but it seems to me in your mind the lesser of the two evils is being a meal-ticket- did I misinterpret this?)
If its ok with you, I would like draw on your military leadership to make a point, okay?
(however…you must keep in mind I am a civilian, so most of my terminology comes from Hollywood movies and Tom Clancy novels, but I hopefully you'll get the point")
Picture this:
Your commanding officer calls you into his office. He tells you that you are being assigned a very important op. Your job is to penetrate enemy lines, hack into their computer and return that intelligence, about their plans to the commanding officer.
You are a good soldier. As a matter of fact you do are the best at what you do. With great stealth and vigilance, ( and some amazing hacker-skills) You are able to get into behind enemy lines, hack into their files and retrieve some very sensitive intelligence data.
The Intel you recover involves things like: intended troop movements, targets, equipment location as well as the enemy’s "CI" or commanders intent. ( now, you know when, where & how) the enemy plans to move.
You bring the data back to your commanding officer. Confident your intelligence, was not compromised in anyway.
Turns out the information was more valuable than anyone could have predicted
The enemy was much more devious (and prepared) than previously thought. They had advanced awareness of your weakness and strengths and had devised several ingenious way to exploit them.
Every one slaps you on the back, Jacob you are hero!
... but only for a moment.
To your horror, the commanding officer pulls you aside into his office. He pours himself a scotch and soda and calmly informs you, he has no plans use the new Intel you uncovered.
we are going to going to bury that information.” He tells you. and Things will continue... as if your report was never received"
Now, Jacob... I have a question for you:
How confident are you feeling about your commander right now? Aren’t you wondering "why"? light of Why would anyone with NEW INFORMATION, remain stubbornly committed to an old Plan? Who’s side is he on?
Personally, I would be curious as well. Heres are my theories
Maybe he is the type that stays committed to the if the plan is doomed to fail.
Maybe he’s the type trusts his gut more than cold hard facts, or intelligence.
Maybe he doesn't like change, because it would require massive amounts of work, resources, time and effort.
Maybe he's one of those "command and control types" who once they make a decision, or commit to a certain way, not even death could get them to change course
or maybe…he cannot handle being wrong and needs to be right even if it means pushing ahead regardless.
Maybe is the emotional type who falls in love with the plan, but doesn't focus on the outcome.
Maybe he’s the decisive type that has a hard time changing his mind. Maybe he’s the sensitive-type who sees the new information as some kind of threat or rejection"
Maybe he’s just in denial- and seriously doubts the information is valid, I mean how could he been so wrong about the enemy's capabilities?
Maybe we will never know… why.
However it does seem irrational, when you think of it doesn't it?
Back to you….
From where you are sitting today, Jacob. You have some important decisions to make. Are you going to "ignore" the information you have in front of you as you make these decisions OR are you going to allow them to guide you?
Here's the bottom-line
I cant tell you what to do. No one can
Another important question to ask yourself is...
Are you getting the love YOU want? Does this marriage have the "quality" and "tone" and "texture" of a loving relationship that matches YOUR deepest desires exactly the way you want it to?
Some Important reminders...
Love leads us on an adventure, NOT into drama
Love is kind, and supportive. NOT disruptive or manipulative
Love makes requests of us, NOT demands
Love is not anyones servant NOR is it anyones master
Love is not a burden to bear. It's a delight to engage in.
Maybe you are wondering …
if after all the lying, cheating, manipulation, mistrust, greed, and unkindness that has happen as a result of this experience, if its possible for you are you wife to rebuild a happy healthy relationship.
The answer is yes. It is possible.
However the better question is ….ARE YOU WILLING?
Are you willing to truly forgive and begin again with her? Are you willing to allow her to play her games until she tires of them? Are willing to love her through all her childish manipulations and attention-getting schemes? Can you be patient while you wait for her to develop the emotional maturity to reflect your love back to you in the way that you want?
All the while knowing there are no guarantees, she will ever come to the table and show up the way you want her to?
Are you the first husband to have to answer these questions? No, you are not.
Any yet, couples DO rebuild. Many wayward wives have come around, and remain faithful. However in your case you have a few extra fish to fry....
Those comments in those chat-logs ( if they are accurate and in-context) add an additional element that should not be overlooked.
Well, Jacob. You have a lot to think about.I have said just about all I can at this time. I do hope you find some of these insights useful to you as you continue on this journey.
