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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Adultery > adultry and moving on
Expert: S. Kessler
Date: 5/9/2008
Subject: adultry and moving on
Question
I caught my husband 3 yrs ago having an affair. Not sure if it was his first he says so, but not sure. We have been married almost 42 yrs. I filed for divorce, but we talked and I stopped it. I go to church he does not. I suggested a counselor, but he will not go. There have been lots of ups and downs the past 3 yrs. He said he was sorry, but not sure he meant it. It could just be me. Sometimes during our talks when we talk he'll sit on the couch and close his eyes and say boo hoo...my reaction when we talk sometimes is to just cry, it just happens when I get upset.
I want to try and stop repeating what he does. I want to stop seeing them in my mind. I did the detective work to see them together and during the time he lost his job of 17 yrs and they went to Austrailia. I found out he owed over $50,000. to credit card companies, but he says they are not his spending on the women. He said they were breaking up before I served him the papers. I want to believe him, but feel he is lying. He gets mad at me for wanting to keep talking about it, which I have gotten better about bringing it up. When we do talk we just seem to argue and I feel frustated. I can't get the image out of my mind and not sure I can ever trust him again, but at this stage of our lives - we are both in our 60's - it seems dumb to divorce. The way we are living now is just a waste of time it feels.
The deep anger I felt in the beginning is gone, but I know I am still angry, hurt, all that goes with adultry. I am trying to forgive, but feel stuck in undecision, which is divorce or not. We do not talk he wants to just forget and move on with our marriage. It's so confusing..
Any suggestions?
Answer
Hi M~
He claims that it was his first and only affair. Yet when you mention that the credit card debt wasn't spent on the "women" that's a plural meaning in reference to more than just one woman. Did he let that slip by mistake when he said that? It sounds to me that he's had more than one affair, he's just been good and/or careful at hiding them from you. And chances are if he'll cheat on you once, he'll do it again.
You should always trust your gut instincts. After all they are there for a reason. And that's to tell you when something's not quite right. He's probably lying to you, he's just not admitting it, of course.
He doesn't really seem to concerned about what you think or how this is affecting you. In fact he basically makes fun of you when you try to talk to him. Which isn't right for him to do, and frankly it's unacceptable and totally rude, not to mention very degrading and disrespectful to you by doing so. You need to sit down and try to have a serious heart to heart talk with him. He needs to know exactly how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. He's blowing you off b/c he knows that you continue to put up with this crap from him. He doesn't take you seriously when you say you're going to leave him and/or divorce him (so then he makes fun of you and picks on you (hence the boo hoo comments, etc).
So you have two choices here really. A) You stay with him and continue to put up with this treatment and do nothing about it. Or B) You tell him you will no longer be putting up with the way he treats you with such degradation and disrespect b/c you deserve way better than he's doing you. If that means you go your separate ways after 42 yrs of marriage, well, then so be it. Otherwise, the longer your with him the more miserable he's going to make you and you'll have to keep enduring this treatment. The choice is yours to make.
It doesn't work the way he thinks it should. It's not going to go away if you ignore the fact that he cheated on you. The fact of the matter is you need closure to all of this, and if that means going to counseling and him being held accountable for what he's done to you, then so be it. If he refuses then that just goes to show you exactly what you mean to him and what this marriage means to him. Which doesn't amount to a whole lot. It's time for you to think of yourself, this isn't about him anymore. It's about your self-worth, self-esteem and most importantly your spirit. He's crushing your spirit and he takes pride in when he puts you down and makes fun of you. That type of treatment and behavior by a spouse (someone that's supposed to love, honor and cherish you) is just simply unacceptable and inappropriate. I mean who treats someone they are supposed to love this way. That's not love in my opinion, it's just not very nice to do to someone at all (meaning what he's doing to you).
I would strongly suggest that you go to individual counseling by yourself. This way you can help decide what it is you ultimately want out of this marriage, and if you should even bother to stay. It's a tough decision either way. And only you can make the choice as to whether you stay or go.
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