AboutS. Kessler Expertise I can answer most any question about Adultery. I have experience in dealing with what to expect, how it makes you feel when you find out, etc. My first marriage ended after my "ex" cheated on me. I know how it feels to be cheated on and what you experience while going through adultery. I will answer any of your questions on Adultery to the best of my ability. I have extensive knowledge on this subject. How it not only effect you but your whole family (including the children). I can give you answers on how to deal with it, some of the signs a mate may be cheating, etc. All questions about adultery are welcome.
Expert: S. Kessler Date: 5/7/2008 Subject: the affair
Question My husband had an affair. I think this is quite common to be honest. That really isn't what is eating me. It happens to be all the secrets that have come out now. I learned that my mom had caught him on the phone masturbating when he was home and I was waiting for him in LA (he is in the military). It seems he is not who I thought he was. My whole marriage of 20 years has been a lie. I found the one physical affair and 4 other women he was e-mailing. How do you move on from something like that? He isn't who I thought he was. SO now I am cutting myself, sleeping all day, going to therapy. On all kinds of meds just to deal with all of this. With the women he did sleep with he was over in Iraq and came home early to "work on the marriage" only to have his daughter and me drive his truck to the base because he wasn't sure when he would be home. We filled the truck with balloons and welcome home signs (this after I forgave him for the affair) only to find out she was waiting for him. He not only cheated on me he belittled me and our marriage. He belittle all the years I raised his children while he was off. I really have know desire to go on. Every day is a challenge for me. Why can't I move on? Maybe cause I found the e-mails talking about how they were going to be the Brady bunch with my children and hers. Maybe cause he never talked to me that way. I just don't know what to do. I lost my job due to my mental stability. I lost my respect. I lost my life.
Answer Hi Wendy~
Oh, Wendy, but it IS about everything that he'd one to you; the affairs, the lying, the cheating, the not-knowing-who-he-was and all that mess that he dumped in your lap. It's everything that he did to you, he betrayed you in just about every way imaginable. And this has caused you to react in anger, hurt, pain, betrayal. You name it, it has all caused you to crumble and fall to pieces. Now, you don't know what to do, or how to even react to all that he's done to you.
You have to realize that he's the one that caused this. These were circumstances all beyond your control. He's the one that made all of these bad choices in life, that unfortunately you're still paying for. But one day he will be held accountable for all these things he's done for you, karma will get him back for all he's ever done to you and anyone else. You have to stop letting this all have this control over you. You need to forgive him for all that he's ever done wrong to you. Unless and until you do then this is going to just eat away at you forever and you'll never truly have inner peace, ever. And I know that you want to be at peace with all this, otherwise, you wouldn't be reaching out for help.
Did you know that you teach a person how to treat you? If you stop and think about this, this is very, very true. He can't make you feel inferior w/o your permission. He has no right to do that, you allow him to treat you this way. This has to stop. He's winning even if you're not together anymore. He still has the hold and control over you. This makes you act out, by cutting and self-harming; he's not worth it anymore. There has to come a time when a person can only take so much of something before they break. The question here is when is your breaking point? How much longer you are willing to put up with this before you finally say, NO MORE?! You are taking back your life and he's no longer going to control you, your emotions and how you feel. You have to take that power away from him. So while you can't control how he acts, you do control how you react to him (and others). You say no more, I will not let you nor anyone control and toy with my emotions. Keep up with the therapy so that you can slowly, over time, become stronger and have the will to take control back over YOUR life.
See what this has all caused you to lose. Your job, you mental stability, your happiness, your health, your self-worth, your self-esteem, and most importantly your spirit and willingness ot live and have a happy, healthy and fulfilling life. You're stressed out from all this stuff he's put you through. You have to realize that you have to take back YOUR life. He doesn't define who you are anymore. You deserve to finally be happy in life. It all starts with you and you have to have the drive and the will power. Don't you see that? If not, then you need to, and wake up and discover that tomorrow is a new day and it's never too late for change and a fresh new start to life. You have to make that choice though, as only you can make that decision to take back your life and finally start really living a life of happiness, etc.
The past is the past you can't change or undo anything that has already happened. You only have the present and the future to make new and better choices in life. It's time to take that monkey off your back and cast it aside and start living life anew and to it's fullest. You and only YOU can do this. You must learn to love, care for and start respecting yourself, b/c the truth is sometimes no one else will. Besides all you can do from here on out is live life one day at a time and see where it leads you next. Set new goals for you in life to achieve, it's never too late, really. If you have something to live for and something that you're passionate about then go out and pursue it. I'm sure you can think of even just one of two things in life that mean so much to you. After all everyone has something that they live for in life. What is that for you, your children? your family? etc, etc. Start out small and work your way up your goals, and if you don't achieve them, well, then that's okay too, the point here is to have something to strive for and look forward to in life. Hopes, dreams and desires whatever you'd like to do.
You can't move on b/c you're letting him hold you an emotional hostage, you can't do that anymore. It's time to let go and move past all the devastation, hurt, anger and sorrow he's caused you. Take something negative and make a positive of it. Show him that even though he's done you wrong that you will not be held down and oppressed by him any longer. Show him that you CAN and WILL be happy with him out of your life for good. The choice is yours, and it's one only you can make. It all starts with one person, and that person is you. Do you stay in a slump and let him have the control over you so that you continue to harm yourself. Or are you ready to move on (even as tough as it may be) and start your life anew? The answer lies within you and the choices you make from here on out.
