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Topic: Adultery

Expert: Suzie Johnson
Date: 5/16/2008
Subject: affair

Question
I am disabled from severe rheumatoid arthritis. My husband deserted me for a co-worker. He left me May 2007 for her and came back home within weeks saying he was so wrong and asking me to forgive him. I did. Everything seemed to be great with us. He never let on that anything was wrong until the end of October 2007 he just suddenly said he was moving out by the end of the month. I was devastated. He said we needed time apart to heal and be happy. I asked him repeatedly if there was someone else and he kept saying no. I was told in January from a guy that works with them that they seem very chummy at work and maybe something was going on. I called him at work and asked him to come by that I needed to speak to him (I hadn't talked with him in months at that point). He came by the next night and after 5 hours he finally admitted to me that yes, they were living together and had been seeing each other again since July 2007. Since then I have only spoken to him 3 times, the last being today and every time we speak he yells at me as if I have done something to him. I don't understand why he is being so verbally abusive to me. The emotional state he has left me in is something I have never had to deal with my entire life. I do not receive a whole lot from disability and financially I am in ruins. We have a loan together and since February he has not given me his half of the payment so I am paying the whole amount. I know I need to divorce him but unfortunately I don't have the money to do it. He is in worse shape than me financially because he has maxed out all his credit cards from moving into an apartment and I am sure buying her gifts. He has made comments that I have the furniture and the washer and dryer and I don't think I should feel guilty for that seeing that he left me, I didn't kick him out. The sad part is I still love him and I have no idea why. He is not the man I married and I know that. We have been together for 15 years, married for 7. This person he is with is divorced, doesn't have custody of her children and has had 9 different addresses in the past few years. How do I get over this? What do I do when he starts verbally abusing me? Today was the worst he has been with me. He says it is over but I also know he knows I can't afford to divorce him. Should I just avoid him at all cost? I do not have any way to contact him. I feel so alone and abandoned. I would appreciate any advice. Thank you so much.

Answer
Dear Sandra,

Thank you for the opportunity to serve. After reading your email, it appears you have several important questions, so let us begin with the most important one first:
you wrote: "every time we speak he yells at me as if I have done something to him. I don't understand why he is being so verbally abusive to me. The emotional state he has left me in is something I have never had to deal with my entire life

(You want to know): "What do I do when he starts verbally abusing me?

Answer:

In the aftermath of adultery, many betrayed partners witness a "dark" side to their wayward partners they never knew existed. This dark side is ALWAYS produced by the wayward partner’s inner guilt.

Let me explain.

Guilt is the "voice" within us that wants to punish us for our "wrong-doings". It is often confused with conscience. But Guilt and conscience are opposites.

Guilt vs. Conscience

Conscience is a Guiding voice that tells us when our actions/thoughts and feelings are constructive or destructive. Conscience does not produce fear or doubt, it merely advices us if the action we are about will produce plant and bear fruits of happiness or unhappiness in our lives and in the lives of others. We as human beings have "free-will" and we have "free-won't" to follow its guidance or ignore it.
In the case of your husband, he choose to "ignore" the voice for good within. The result is sowing seeds for unhappiness his life as well as yours.

Now guilt enters the picture.

Guilt is the voice for punishment. It's like the serpent in the garden, that whispers…you are a bad person and bad people deserve to be punished. So to make amends ( or make our "wrongs" feel right) guilt demands we punish ourselves so that god/others don’t have to do it.

It's always a trap.

Because once people starting punishing themselves with guilt they never punish themselves alone. That punishment usually extends to those around them as well.

That's where his verbal abuse, rage, anger, spite, contempt, and "insensitivity to your feelings comes in" - not only is he crucifying himself for the harm he has caused, he is also crucifying you as well.

You are probably wondering.

How could this be?

He is the one that left. He seems to be happy starting over his life, he doesn’t “act” guilty instead he seems to ONLY turn into a monster when he is dealing with you...

And you would be right to wonder.

A further insight into guilt.

Since no one can stand feeling guilty for long. After a while people they try to get rid of it. The most common way to do this is to "project it, outward".

Take for example:

A pick pocket will "blame society for his "need" to steal. Therefore anyone who is a part of society becomes the enemy, that’s why he can rob a little old lady of her last pennies and feel totally justified ... after all she's apart of society and therefore "the enemy"

Another example of "guilt" projected

When countries have conflicts with each other - after awhile we start to regard each other as enemies. How else could we justify sending our young people to "eliminate" other young people if those “other people weren’t our enemy?
No one would make war on a friend. We must friend "de-humanize" him into an enemy and then all of our actions become "good ones" since we are fighting an enemy.

It is very similar in the case of adulterous partners.

The wayward partner feels some level of guilt for "deceiving, cheating, lying and forsaking his partner. but instead of facing the inner conflict between his conscience and his actions –
he "projects" that self-loathing outwards...

Making the very person he hurt "the enemy" ( not himself)
NOW, he can "justify the affair, the betrayal, the coldness, the insensitivity - because this person he has hurt is NOT his friend, nope my dear Sandra you have become the enemy.

It is hard to comprehend.

How a once loving person, becomes a Frankenstein over night. And, yet it happens. It's not that your husband is any worse than any of us. Because the "potential to turn a friend into an enemy exists in all of us.

Now is this the truth?

Are you really his enemy? Have you really done anything remotely deserving of this kind of treatment?
You know the answer to this as well as I do ( and he does as well)
of course you are not his enemy. Of course you don’t deserve this.
Am I saying are you perfect? no. Am I saying your marriage was perfect? No

But did you deserved to be thrown under the bus ( so to speak) NO.

so what does this all mean?

It means, that he let you down. He disappointed you. He’s feels guilty about this and the only way for him to justify his actions is to make you to be the enemy. Therefore escaping from pain of dealing with his actions conflicting with his conscience.

What do you do?

Don’t “accept” the guilty shadows being cast on you. You are NOT responsible for his action. YOU are not the reason he abandoned his principles. YOU are not the enemy. You are not guilty. Don’t allow him or anyone to convince you that you are the reason for their bad choices. OK?

Next:
you wrote: He has made comments that I have the furniture and the washer and dryer and I don't think I should feel guilty for that seeing that he left me, I didn't kick him out.

(you want to know): Should give him the furniture at this point?

answer: This appears to be another "guilty" ploy to manipulate you to bear the brunt of responsibility for his actions.
There are two ways you can respond to this subtle kind of pressure…

1.You can be the doormat, and allow him to step over your dignity to gain what he wants. This response will give you a "temporary" feeling of "being fair" or doing the right thing. But that feeling never lasts, because it’s usually a rationale for “giving up on yourself”

In a few months when the fog clears and the reality sets in that HE has moved on. You will be left to deal with the loss of your own self respect.

Listen. I cant tell you IF this man is worth fighting for. ( only you can decide that) however as one woman to another. I can tell you that you that your financial peace of mind IS worth fighting for.

So, ask yourself.

Why doesn’t he have a washer and a dryer? Why doesn’t he have furniture? Didn’t he walk out of a home that has these comforts? Did he walk away of his own free will?

Let’s put this another way:
IF this situation were happening to your own daughter. IF her husband walk away from his home and wife, would you now want her to give away what ever remaining assets she had? out of guilt? And for what?

If you wouldn’t want your own daughter to do that - then why would you want your own self to do that?

Sandra, at the end of the day, we are all on an "alone" journey through life. He did not abandon you , he abandoned his principles.

The people we meet in life are always temporary companions. Every relationship intersects with loss at some point. Yours might appear to have come early, but believe me it has not. It is right on time.

2. You can use the power of No. There is great power in the word "no". From your email, I suspect this is not been a word you used very often in regards to your husband . Well, NOW is the time to use your "NO". Please understand, the washer and the dryer and the furniture in and of themselves mean nothing. BUT what does mean something is your unwillingness to NOT be further humiliated.

The thing to remember is that self esteem is does not come from a great childhood, having lots of money or good looks.

Self esteem comes from the LOVE we give to ourselves, and our willingness to become our own advocates.

Some body has to stand up for YOU in all of this... who are you waiting for to do it? who will stand up for Sandra? who will say NO MORE abuse - be it verbal, mental, or financial?

I ask you …WHO?

As you search for the answer to that question. Here's another insight: Those partners who feel abandoned, and left behind" always get to a point - where they stop seeing themselves as victims and start seeing themselves as survivors.

Will you go through life as a victim of adultery or as a survivor?

How do you know when you have crossed from victim to survivor?

When you STOP waiting on the person who hurt you to heal you. The moment you recognize that only YOU can heal you. Only YOU can save you. YOUR happiness is NOT in his hands, they are in your own hands.

Isn’t life wonderful?

imagine if we had to depend on others to find our happiness? Imagine if the "keys" to peace and prosperity were in your husbands hands, -now would that be truly cruel?

The good news is its not.

Right now, you are feeling like the victim of a hit and run accident. Yet, the time has come for you to get up and WALK again.

Your marriage might be over. – But YOUR life is not over.
Your relationship with ONE man is over – but your relationship will ALL men isn’t over
The love you shared with him is over. But the love have in your heart isn’t over

Life goes on. YOU go on. And, you will love again.

Truly, Sandra, as deeply as you love, a woman like you will not stay single for long.

no way!

life will send you someone else who is at the very moment praying for a woman who can love them deeply. Your love will not be wasted, it's much too precious a gift for that.

You wrote: The sad part is I still love him and I have no idea why.
You want to know: How can I still love someone who is treating me with such hatefulness?

Answer: a part of you knows this is not the "real" him. You've been with him long enough to know that although all you are seeing right now is the dark side, he know in his heart he is a good person.
This is called "loving the memory" This is how you can continue to love someone, even though they are treating you with such distain. You are looking past the behavior to remember the true essence of who the person used to be.

There's nothing inherently wrong with loving the memory of who a person was. I have spoken to mothers who's son's have committed heinous crimes and what they have learnt to do is focus on the loving baby boy they loved, this allows them to look past "behaviors" and love the essence of the human-being.

It’s always helpful to remember, that we love people. Not behaviors.
The challenge comes in, however if we use the "memorory" of what used to be, the prevent us from seeing whats happening now.

That’s called denial.

For example, I was working with a grandmother who’s grand son was a heroine addict. Because of that drug addiction, he was stealing from her, abusing her and creating all manner of mayhem in her life. But for a long time she stubbornly refused to seek help, or accept that her beloved grandson’s behavior was now putting her in harm’s way.

This is just another example of using “memory of love” as a shield to protect from facing the fact that human beings have the will to change their behaviors from positive to negative and frequently do.

How do you know you are in denial?

Being in denial stops you from taking actions to protect yourself from the negative impact of the change of behavior . Unable to accept the fact the person we love’s behaviors towards us has changed, we hide and wait. Burying our head up to the shoulders hoping that by a miracle they will come to their senses, realize they are hurting us and change back to being positive.
Again, the question becomes:

WHO?
who should protect from the negative impact of his destructive behavior you? when will be enough ? who will say NO MORE on your behalf?

And is this truly love?

true Love vs. romantic love

true Love is letting go of fear. true Love is freedom. true Love is kindness. true Love doesn’t require the presence of the other person. It lives on, without "yearning" or desire to control" it just IS.

Romantic love…

Romantic love is full of fear. Fear of being left. Fear of being unwanted. Fear of being 2nd best. Romantic love is full of yearning. Neediness, and need constant reassurances. it's filled with lots of "conditions" and control" it needs the other person to be there in order to feel fulfilled.

Romantic love has more in common with drug addiction than it does with true love.

It releases chemicals into the bloodstream that acts like a drug in the mind, blocking rational thought, down-playing reason and makes people to go into classic "withdrawal" symptoms" whenever the romantic lover is not present. ( feeling like I don’t want to live with that person, I am nothing without them, I will never find this love again, he/she is all I have etc)

Why we love romantic love…

Romantic love... is the beginning phase of most relationships. It's love “ immature”…. It’s exciting, stimulating and full of hope and potential. We all enjoy this phase of love, the giddiness, the "high" we refer to as "falling in love" , believe me we need this kind of intense feelings because without them most men would never make it to the alter!

But then, as time goes on, this phase should fall apart, because it’s really only a temporary veil. To reveal something entirely different. A deeper more intimate kind of discovery. Where two people discover and explore another realm of existence. This involves freedom. space. vulnerability, wholeness and perfect trust.
Unfortunately many relationship never mature to the next level evolution, instead many "stall" and hang out in the romantic phase ( fighting, breaking up and making up again) or recreating the cycle of romantic love with another partner instead of moving into the next level.

Correct me if I am wrong.

But I have an intuition about you: It seems to me, Sandra that YOU are ready for that next level kind of relationship and your husband is not.

If this is the case, then Bless him on his way. Not every one reaches that state of awareness at the same time.

If he wants to keep recreating the superficial "drama" of romantic love (Many people do) then honor that, but don’t let his choose for romance over real love, stop you from reaching for something deeper.
Don’t be afraid to let go, of what may not be the highest choice for you.

Now, the question becomes - what do YOU want?

Do you want another romantic relationship that "stalls" without going to the next level ? Do want to make up and break up with him again?- or do you want a "taste" of what’s next?

Mayber you are you too afraid to find out?

Many people are. It's always easir to cling to what we know” rather than risk.

secretly, you might fear this is as good as it going to get.

But,I am here to tell you, this is NOT as good as it gets. Even if you were to reconcile with your husband sometime in the future… are you ever going to truly be happy recreating the same situations you always have?

Arent you curious what truly possible?

Do you want to experience that truly exquisite love relationship were both partners are open to each other and open to exploring the deepest levels of life together as partners?

If that is what you want.

Then, you will have to close the chapter on the past, in order to open the next chapter of the future. You can relax. Knowing there is some out there seeking exactly the same kind of next level experience you want out of life.

Final question:

You asked "How do I get over this?"
This is the best question of all.
Wanting to "get over this" is the first step to actually getting over it. First comes the desire to free yourself from emotional pain then comes the actual steps to free yourself.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Grieve the loss. The fact is betrayal hurts as almost as hard as death. An in a way something has died. Not the man - but the "dreams" you shared with him. So, you do have to allow yourself to go through a grieving process. Mourn the loss of the life you had together. Do whatever you have to do that enables you to say good bye to the dream you once shared with him. Don’t rush your grieving. For addiction help google "grieving process" and learn more about some things you can do to help you let go.

2. Create a space to heal. Just like, it would be hard to move on from the death of a loved one, if the ghost of that loved one was haunting your house. it will be hard to move on , if you keep having contact with him. So, take the advice that you both need time to heal, and stick to it. You need about 12 months to properly move on, and learn to live without him, and his influence in your life. You need time to stop being afraid of being alone. You need time to heal Yearning" for him. You need to find yourself again. Take back your home. Fill it with inspirations that are healing to you. Join support groups. DO things that will help you heal.

2.Rebuilding trust and faith. One of the worst effects of betrayal is the loss of trust and faith in life and love. You might be tempted to think, this is going to happen again. Or feel unfairly treated, or angry at god, life, men for doing this to you.
But, although it might feel like you are being singled out, the fact is you are not. Your experience is not a "Sandra" experience - it's universal. We all have been betrayed ( as well as betrayed others) we have lied ( and lied) to others. We have all had to deal with disappointments, heartbreak and being let down.

And that what makes life fair –

because no matter who you are, rich, poor, good, bad, famous, infamous, Into every one's life a little rain and a little pain does fall. We are all vulnerable to crisis events, none is immune. What has happen to you, happened to you because you are just like me, and therefore you too have your pains to bear.
Knowing this, many are tempted to feel powerless….
But that’s not accurate.

True personal power is not about “preventing things from happening” True personal power comes from knowing we can overcome anything that happens .

Where do we get this confidence?

Because our power is in our response, our Response-ABILITY.
It’s not what happens, that matters. It’s how YOU respond to what happens that matters

So have been dealt a hard knock. You've taken one the chin and for a moment, you’ve been knocked flat on floor.

Now, what are you going to do?
Do you …

A: lay there and feeling hurt, curl up in a ball, feeling sorry for yourself and lamenting …why is happening to me? I am a good person, how could any one hurt me like this?

Do you

B: Lay on the floor, bleeding , suffering and thinking …well if I just stay here long enough eventually some one is going to come and help me?

Do you

C: Get up, (legs shaky, bleeding and bruised) but get up any way determined to find a way togo on?

Obviously, you have to get up.

The power to recover from anything is with in YOU. You might get knocked down, but you have the power to get up again.

Well, Sandra. I think I have covered as much as I can.
Now the ball is in your court....

are you ready to stand up for yourself? Are you willing to love yourself first? Are you willing to create the space to heal? and are you willing to let go, just incase a higher love partner waiting for you?
Well Sandra… are you?

I sincerely hope so.

until, we speak again.

SuzieJ

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