AboutSuzie Johnson Expertise Author of How to Infidelity-Proof your marriage and Forgiving Infidelity. I will answer your question about Surviving, Overcoming or Healing and Forgiving Infidelity. I deal with all 3 people involved in the unhappy triangle. The Wayward Partner, The Betrayed Partner and The "Other Person". My mission is laser-focus and can be summed up in six words..."To heal is to make happy". Thank you for your question and the opportunity to serve.
Experience 8 1/2 years of private practice and many products sold in 65 countries dealing with infidelity and sexuality for committed couples.
Education/Credentials Master of Ericksonian style of clinical hypnosis and neuro -linguistics.
Expert: Suzie Johnson Date: 5/17/2008 Subject: affair
Question QUESTION: I am disabled from severe rheumatoid arthritis. My husband deserted me for a co-worker. He left me May 2007 for her and came back home within weeks saying he was so wrong and asking me to forgive him. I did. Everything seemed to be great with us. He never let on that anything was wrong until the end of October 2007 he just suddenly said he was moving out by the end of the month. I was devastated. He said we needed time apart to heal and be happy. I asked him repeatedly if there was someone else and he kept saying no. I was told in January from a guy that works with them that they seem very chummy at work and maybe something was going on. I called him at work and asked him to come by that I needed to speak to him (I hadn't talked with him in months at that point). He came by the next night and after 5 hours he finally admitted to me that yes, they were living together and had been seeing each other again since July 2007. Since then I have only spoken to him 3 times, the last being today and every time we speak he yells at me as if I have done something to him. I don't understand why he is being so verbally abusive to me. The emotional state he has left me in is something I have never had to deal with my entire life. I do not receive a whole lot from disability and financially I am in ruins. We have a loan together and since February he has not given me his half of the payment so I am paying the whole amount. I know I need to divorce him but unfortunately I don't have the money to do it. He is in worse shape than me financially because he has maxed out all his credit cards from moving into an apartment and I am sure buying her gifts. He has made comments that I have the furniture and the washer and dryer and I don't think I should feel guilty for that seeing that he left me, I didn't kick him out. The sad part is I still love him and I have no idea why. He is not the man I married and I know that. We have been together for 15 years, married for 7. This person he is with is divorced, doesn't have custody of her children and has had 9 different addresses in the past few years. How do I get over this? What do I do when he starts verbally abusing me? Today was the worst he has been with me. He says it is over but I also know he knows I can't afford to divorce him. Should I just avoid him at all cost? I do not have any way to contact him. I feel so alone and abandoned. I would appreciate any advice. Thank you so much.
ANSWER: Dear Sandra,
Thank you for the opportunity to serve. After reading your email, it appears you have several important questions, so let us begin with the most important one first:
you wrote: "every time we speak he yells at me as if I have done something to him. I don't understand why he is being so verbally abusive to me. The emotional state he has left me in is something I have never had to deal with my entire life
(You want to know): "What do I do when he starts verbally abusing me?
Answer:
In the aftermath of adultery, many betrayed partners witness a "dark" side to their wayward partners they never knew existed. This dark side is ALWAYS produced by the wayward partner’s inner guilt.
Let me explain.
Guilt is the "voice" within us that wants to punish us for our "wrong-doings". It is often confused with conscience. But Guilt and conscience are opposites.
Guilt vs. Conscience
Conscience is a Guiding voice that tells us when our actions/thoughts and feelings are constructive or destructive. Conscience does not produce fear or doubt, it merely advices us if the action we are about will produce plant and bear fruits of happiness or unhappiness in our lives and in the lives of others. We as human beings have "free-will" and we have "free-won't" to follow its guidance or ignore it.
In the case of your husband, he choose to "ignore" the voice for good within. The result is sowing seeds for unhappiness his life as well as yours.
Now guilt enters the picture.
Guilt is the voice for punishment. It's like the serpent in the garden, that whispers…you are a bad person and bad people deserve to be punished. So to make amends ( or make our "wrongs" feel right) guilt demands we punish ourselves so that god/others don’t have to do it.
It's always a trap.
Because once people starting punishing themselves with guilt they never punish themselves alone. That punishment usually extends to those around them as well.
That's where his verbal abuse, rage, anger, spite, contempt, and "insensitivity to your feelings comes in" - not only is he crucifying himself for the harm he has caused, he is also crucifying you as well.
You are probably wondering.
How could this be?
He is the one that left. He seems to be happy starting over his life, he doesn’t “act” guilty instead he seems to ONLY turn into a monster when he is dealing with you...
And you would be right to wonder.
A further insight into guilt.
Since no one can stand feeling guilty for long. After a while people they try to get rid of it. The most common way to do this is to "project it, outward".
Take for example:
A pick pocket will "blame society for his "need" to steal. Therefore anyone who is a part of society becomes the enemy, that’s why he can rob a little old lady of her last pennies and feel totally justified ... after all she's apart of society and therefore "the enemy"
Another example of "guilt" projected
When countries have conflicts with each other - after awhile we start to regard each other as enemies. How else could we justify sending our young people to "eliminate" other young people if those “other people weren’t our enemy?
No one would make war on a friend. We must friend "de-humanize" him into an enemy and then all of our actions become "good ones" since we are fighting an enemy.
It is very similar in the case of adulterous partners.
The wayward partner feels some level of guilt for "deceiving, cheating, lying and forsaking his partner. but instead of facing the inner conflict between his conscience and his actions –
he "projects" that self-loathing outwards...
Making the very person he hurt "the enemy" ( not himself)
NOW, he can "justify the affair, the betrayal, the coldness, the insensitivity - because this person he has hurt is NOT his friend, nope my dear Sandra you have become the enemy.
It is hard to comprehend.
How a once loving person, becomes a Frankenstein over night. And, yet it happens. It's not that your husband is any worse than any of us. Because the "potential to turn a friend into an enemy exists in all of us.
Now is this the truth?
Are you really his enemy? Have you really done anything remotely deserving of this kind of treatment?
You know the answer to this as well as I do ( and he does as well)
of course you are not his enemy. Of course you don’t deserve this.
Am I saying are you perfect? no. Am I saying your marriage was perfect? No
But did you deserved to be thrown under the bus ( so to speak) NO.
so what does this all mean?
It means, that he let you down. He disappointed you. He’s feels guilty about this and the only way for him to justify his actions is to make you to be the enemy. Therefore escaping from pain of dealing with his actions conflicting with his conscience.
What do you do?
Don’t “accept” the guilty shadows being cast on you. You are NOT responsible for his action. YOU are not the reason he abandoned his principles. YOU are not the enemy. You are not guilty. Don’t allow him or anyone to convince you that you are the reason for their bad choices. OK?
Next:
you wrote: He has made comments that I have the furniture and the washer and dryer and I don't think I should feel guilty for that seeing that he left me, I didn't kick him out.
(you want to know): Should give him the furniture at this point?
answer: This appears to be another "guilty" ploy to manipulate you to bear the brunt of responsibility for his actions.
There are two ways you can respond to this subtle kind of pressure…
1.You can be the doormat, and allow him to step over your dignity to gain what he wants. This response will give you a "temporary" feeling of "being fair" or doing the right thing. But that feeling never lasts, because it’s usually a rationale for “giving up on yourself”
In a few months when the fog clears and the reality sets in that HE has moved on. You will be left to deal with the loss of your own self respect.
Listen. I cant tell you IF this man is worth fighting for. ( only you can decide that) however as one woman to another. I can tell you that you that your financial peace of mind IS worth fighting for.
So, ask yourself.
Why doesn’t he have a washer and a dryer? Why doesn’t he have furniture? Didn’t he walk out of a home that has these comforts? Did he walk away of his own free will?
Let’s put this another way:
IF this situation were happening to your own daughter. IF her husband walk away from his home and wife, would you now want her to give away what ever remaining assets she had? out of guilt? And for what?
If you wouldn’t want your own daughter to do that - then why would you want your own self to do that?
Sandra, at the end of the day, we are all on an "alone" journey through life. He did not abandon you , he abandoned his principles.
The people we meet in life are always temporary companions. Every relationship intersects with loss at some point. Yours might appear to have come early, but believe me it has not. It is right on time.
2. You can use the power of No. There is great power in the word "no". From your email, I suspect this is not been a word you used very often in regards to your husband . Well, NOW is the time to use your "NO". Please understand, the washer and the dryer and the furniture in and of themselves mean nothing. BUT what does mean something is your unwillingness to NOT be further humiliated.
The thing to remember is that self esteem is does not come from a great childhood, having lots of money or good looks.
Self esteem comes from the LOVE we give to ourselves, and our willingness to become our own advocates.
Some body has to stand up for YOU in all of this... who are you waiting for to do it? who will stand up for Sandra? who will say NO MORE abuse - be it verbal, mental, or financial?
I ask you …WHO?
As you search for the answer to that question. Here's another insight: Those partners who feel abandoned, and left behind" always get to a point - where they stop seeing themselves as victims and start seeing themselves as survivors.
Will you go through life as a victim of adultery or as a survivor?
How do you know when you have crossed from victim to survivor?
When you STOP waiting on the person who hurt you to heal you. The moment you recognize that only YOU can heal you. Only YOU can save you. YOUR happiness is NOT in his hands, they are in your own hands.
Isn’t life wonderful?
imagine if we had to depend on others to find our happiness? Imagine if the "keys" to peace and prosperity were in your husbands hands, -now would that be truly cruel?
The good news is its not.
Right now, you are feeling like the victim of a hit and run accident. Yet, the time has come for you to get up and WALK again.
Your marriage might be over. – But YOUR life is not over.
Your relationship with ONE man is over – but your relationship will ALL men isn’t over
The love you shared with him is over. But the love have in your heart isn’t over
Life goes on. YOU go on. And, you will love again.
Truly, Sandra, as deeply as you love, a woman like you will not stay single for long.
no way!
life will send you someone else who is at the very moment praying for a woman who can love them deeply. Your love will not be wasted, it's much too precious a gift for that.
You wrote: The sad part is I still love him and I have no idea why.
You want to know: How can I still love someone who is treating me with such hatefulness?
Answer: a part of you knows this is not the "real" him. You've been with him long enough to know that although all you are seeing right now is the dark side, he know in his heart he is a good person.
This is called "loving the memory" This is how you can continue to love someone, even though they are treating you with such distain. You are looking past the behavior to remember the true essence of who the person used to be.
There's nothing inherently wrong with loving the memory of who a person was. I have spoken to mothers who's son's have committed heinous crimes and what they have learnt to do is focus on the loving baby boy they loved, this allows them to look past "behaviors" and love the essence of the human-being.
It’s always helpful to remember, that we love people. Not behaviors.
The challenge comes in, however if we use the "memorory" of what used to be, the prevent us from seeing whats happening now.
That’s called denial.
For example, I was working with a grandmother who’s grand son was a heroine addict. Because of that drug addiction, he was stealing from her, abusing her and creating all manner of mayhem in her life. But for a long time she stubbornly refused to seek help, or accept that her beloved grandson’s behavior was now putting her in harm’s way.
This is just another example of using “memory of love” as a shield to protect from facing the fact that human beings have the will to change their behaviors from positive to negative and frequently do.
How do you know you are in denial?
Being in denial stops you from taking actions to protect yourself from the negative impact of the change of behavior . Unable to accept the fact the person we love’s behaviors towards us has changed, we hide and wait. Burying our head up to the shoulders hoping that by a miracle they will come to their senses, realize they are hurting us and change back to being positive.
Again, the question becomes:
WHO?
who should protect from the negative impact of his destructive behavior you? when will be enough ? who will say NO MORE on your behalf?
And is this truly love?
true Love vs. romantic love
true Love is letting go of fear. true Love is freedom. true Love is kindness. true Love doesn’t require the presence of the other person. It lives on, without "yearning" or desire to control" it just IS.
Romantic love…
Romantic love is full of fear. Fear of being left. Fear of being unwanted. Fear of being 2nd best. Romantic love is full of yearning. Neediness, and need constant reassurances. it's filled with lots of "conditions" and control" it needs the other person to be there in order to feel fulfilled.
Romantic love has more in common with drug addiction than it does with true love.
It releases chemicals into the bloodstream that acts like a drug in the mind, blocking rational thought, down-playing reason and makes people to go into classic "withdrawal" symptoms" whenever the romantic lover is not present. ( feeling like I don’t want to live with that person, I am nothing without them, I will never find this love again, he/she is all I have etc)
Why we love romantic love…
Romantic love... is the beginning phase of most relationships. It's love “ immature”…. It’s exciting, stimulating and full of hope and potential. We all enjoy this phase of love, the giddiness, the "high" we refer to as "falling in love" , believe me we need this kind of intense feelings because without them most men would never make it to the alter!
But then, as time goes on, this phase should fall apart, because it’s really only a temporary veil. To reveal something entirely different. A deeper more intimate kind of discovery. Where two people discover and explore another realm of existence. This involves freedom. space. vulnerability, wholeness and perfect trust.
Unfortunately many relationship never mature to the next level evolution, instead many "stall" and hang out in the romantic phase ( fighting, breaking up and making up again) or recreating the cycle of romantic love with another partner instead of moving into the next level.
Correct me if I am wrong.
But I have an intuition about you: It seems to me, Sandra that YOU are ready for that next level kind of relationship and your husband is not.
If this is the case, then Bless him on his way. Not every one reaches that state of awareness at the same time.
If he wants to keep recreating the superficial "drama" of romantic love (Many people do) then honor that, but don’t let his choose for romance over real love, stop you from reaching for something deeper.
Don’t be afraid to let go, of what may not be the highest choice for you.
Now, the question becomes - what do YOU want?
Do you want another romantic relationship that "stalls" without going to the next level ? Do want to make up and break up with him again?- or do you want a "taste" of what’s next?
Mayber you are you too afraid to find out?
Many people are. It's always easir to cling to what we know” rather than risk.
secretly, you might fear this is as good as it going to get.
But,I am here to tell you, this is NOT as good as it gets. Even if you were to reconcile with your husband sometime in the future… are you ever going to truly be happy recreating the same situations you always have?
Arent you curious what truly possible?
Do you want to experience that truly exquisite love relationship were both partners are open to each other and open to exploring the deepest levels of life together as partners?
If that is what you want.
Then, you will have to close the chapter on the past, in order to open the next chapter of the future. You can relax. Knowing there is some out there seeking exactly the same kind of next level experience you want out of life.
Final question:
You asked "How do I get over this?"
This is the best question of all.
Wanting to "get over this" is the first step to actually getting over it. First comes the desire to free yourself from emotional pain then comes the actual steps to free yourself.
Here are some suggestions:
1. Grieve the loss. The fact is betrayal hurts as almost as hard as death. An in a way something has died. Not the man - but the "dreams" you shared with him. So, you do have to allow yourself to go through a grieving process. Mourn the loss of the life you had together. Do whatever you have to do that enables you to say good bye to the dream you once shared with him. Don’t rush your grieving. For addiction help google "grieving process" and learn more about some things you can do to help you let go.
2. Create a space to heal. Just like, it would be hard to move on from the death of a loved one, if the ghost of that loved one was haunting your house. it will be hard to move on , if you keep having contact with him. So, take the advice that you both need time to heal, and stick to it. You need about 12 months to properly move on, and learn to live without him, and his influence in your life. You need time to stop being afraid of being alone. You need time to heal Yearning" for him. You need to find yourself again. Take back your home. Fill it with inspirations that are healing to you. Join support groups. DO things that will help you heal.
2.Rebuilding trust and faith. One of the worst effects of betrayal is the loss of trust and faith in life and love. You might be tempted to think, this is going to happen again. Or feel unfairly treated, or angry at god, life, men for doing this to you.
But, although it might feel like you are being singled out, the fact is you are not. Your experience is not a "Sandra" experience - it's universal. We all have been betrayed ( as well as betrayed others) we have lied ( and lied) to others. We have all had to deal with disappointments, heartbreak and being let down.
And that what makes life fair –
because no matter who you are, rich, poor, good, bad, famous, infamous, Into every one's life a little rain and a little pain does fall. We are all vulnerable to crisis events, none is immune. What has happen to you, happened to you because you are just like me, and therefore you too have your pains to bear.
Knowing this, many are tempted to feel powerless….
But that’s not accurate.
True personal power is not about “preventing things from happening” True personal power comes from knowing we can overcome anything that happens .
Where do we get this confidence?
Because our power is in our response, our Response-ABILITY.
It’s not what happens, that matters. It’s how YOU respond to what happens that matters
So have been dealt a hard knock. You've taken one the chin and for a moment, you’ve been knocked flat on floor.
Now, what are you going to do?
Do you …
A: lay there and feeling hurt, curl up in a ball, feeling sorry for yourself and lamenting …why is happening to me? I am a good person, how could any one hurt me like this?
Do you
B: Lay on the floor, bleeding , suffering and thinking …well if I just stay here long enough eventually some one is going to come and help me?
Do you
C: Get up, (legs shaky, bleeding and bruised) but get up any way determined to find a way togo on?
Obviously, you have to get up.
The power to recover from anything is with in YOU. You might get knocked down, but you have the power to get up again.
Well, Sandra. I think I have covered as much as I can.
Now the ball is in your court....
are you ready to stand up for yourself? Are you willing to love yourself first? Are you willing to create the space to heal? and are you willing to let go, just incase a higher love partner waiting for you?
Well Sandra… are you?
I sincerely hope so.
until, we speak again.
SuzieJ
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Suzie, first of all, thank you. Just reading your reply has made me feel better about myself. I don't feel as alone, I suppose this is more common than I think.
How do you suggest I react to him if he is around and being verbally abusive. I don't know what to do when he starts yelling at me and of course the thing I don't want to happen happens, I start yelling back because I feel backed into a corner. Believe me, I don't see him very often but when I do it always turns ugly.
Also, he has come by the house the past couple of weeks to cut the grass (of course when I am not home) and I felt that was due to his guilt because of my arthritis. I am not sure if that will continue seeing that we had a shouting match the other day but do you think I should let him keep doing things like that or do you think I should cut the grass myself, even though it is very hard on me physically, just to show him that I don't need him. Thanks again.
Answer Dear Sandra,
Thank you for the opportunity to serve.
Re: your follow up questions.
You asked:"How do you suggest I react to him if he is around and being verbally abusive"
Answer:
Of course it would be easy to tell you: to just keep your cool, to always take the high road, to only respond with love... but with so much water under the bridge between you two, this is not always realistic.
So let be practical.
You are hurt. You are angry at him and you feel he abandoned you. All these feelings lay buried within you, and when he comes around, his verbal-abuse sets off those emotional-landmines within you.
Look at it like this...
If you squeeze an orange, what comes out of it?
orange juice right? not lemon, not apple, not carrot juice, - only orange juice.
Its the same in your situation.
He comes around and "squeezes" you. What does he use to put the squeeze on you? Things like "tone of voice" "hateful words" "contemptuous sneers" –
But what comes out when he squeezes you? only what was already there... the dormant hurt, the buried anger, your bitterness.
In other words, he can't bring out in you, what isn't already in you.
What does this mean?
It means until you heal the wounds within, or HE will always have the power to "trip" your switch.
Does this make sense?
How do you begin to heal the wounds within, so that no one can squeeze anything painful out of you?
A good question to ask
Some suggestions:
1. STOP ABUSING YOURSELF.
The key to freeing yourself from "outer verbal abuse" is to first free yourself from inner abuse. .
Here's the deal:
We will not allow anyone to do anything to us; we aren’t already doing to ourselves. IF he is verbally abusing you, and you find yourself reacting to it, then you can be sure, it because you are doing it first to yourself.
Stop now. Check in with your inner voice.
Are you abusive to yourself? Have you been putting yourself down? Do you react HIS words in your head- even when he’s not around? are you secretly in agreement with some of the harsh things he's said about you?
( be honest) In the midnight of your soul, do you believe that you somehow are responsible for this fiasco?
If so, then resolve NOW
1.To STOP making war upon yourself.
2.To STOP arguing with him in your head
3.STOP allowing your imagination to conjure up a painful picture
4.Do not indulge any thoughts of revenge, retaliation or unhappiness.
5.BE VIGILANT. Uproot all belief in guilt, suffering, hate, anger, and pain.
Do this "inner work" first. Seek the “inner” kingdom of peace first. And then watch. You will notice a huge difference in how the outer world treats you.
2. In the quietness of your soul. Take the time to forgive yourself - first. ( THEN ) and only then... will you experience the miracle of true forgiveness.
You see, Sandra, if you don’t forgive yourself first, you will allow all manner of wrongs to be done to you, because the unforgiving heart, always sees itself as deserving of abuse.
That’s why Self-forgiveness is primary. Forgiving others secondary. Even when you know you have done nothing wrong, you still need to practice forgiving yourself, before you can truly forgive others.
Heres some thing that has help me tremendously. ( I repeat it in my mind every day, all day long)
Try this mantra for the next seven days...
" In this moment, I accept forgiveness for myself and freely offer it to everyone else "
I use it relentlessly.
I suggest you start with small things first.
If a friend is late for lunch/ or cancels without warning.. say the mantra.
If a night mare wakes you up in the middle of the night..say this mantra.
You are overwhelmed with sadness or anger, say this mantra.
If you drop a dish and it breaks into a thousand tiny pieces on the kitchen floor... say the mantra.
A mosquito bites you..say the mantra.
Just do it.
Why? Because forgiveness is a holy practice. Every true religion teaches it. As you practice forgiving yourself, you practice loving yourself. Forgiving and loving are one and the same.
Where does this lead you?
Here's what will happen.
Eventually, when he comes around, and he tries to engage your pain body, or when he uses the old word games to "trigger" your anger, or attempts to pour salt in your wounds...
he will encounter a life changing surprise...
AS his words bounce off of you like a rubber ball. Finding no holes, no openings, no doors to get in.
It will teach him a very valuable lesson…
It will show him, that by his hands you DO NOT SUFFER...By his hands, you have learnt to LIVE.
Next Question:
"do you think I should let him keep doing things like that or do you think I should cut the grass myself, even though it is very hard on me physically, just to show him that I don't need him"
Another great question.
Answer: Guilt never serves. If you are allowing him to continue to help you out of guilt ( his or yours) then he ( and you) are bound to feel resentment towards each other.
Anything done from guilt - can only produce guilt. Its as simple as that.
So let separate the two problems.
Problem A: You have arthritis and therefore you need help tending to the yard
Problem B: You are angry with your husband for leaving this burden of keeping up the yard, ( plus other things I am sure)
Two separate issues.
Lets be sure and not confuse them, because although they are related, one did not cause the other.
Lets work on solving the first one first.
Problem A: getting the yard work done.
Possibly solutions: hire it out to a teenager. Do some kind of barter/exchange. ask a relative. ( add your own ideas here)
Problem B:
Forgiving your wayward and sometimes insensitive husband, while keeping your dignity and self respect intact
For help with this problem, I suggest, as soon as you are finished reading this e-mail, you go and read this article I wrote about forgiving infidelity:
Why? well, because you don’t. You have simply gotten used to feeling like you need him.
Yes, you DO require help. but that assistance doesn't have to come from one source. Do not limit what is possible for you.
For every problem there at a least 3 right answers.
Does having arthritis make everyday living more problematic for you?
of course it does! there's no denying that your physical challenges add another level of conflict to your life.
But, has it rendered you powerless? Incapable of solving your problems? no way!
It may slow you down a bit, but it cannot stop you from living.
For the next few days think on this:
How can you solve the yard-tending problems more creatively? what other assistance is available to you that you are not seeing right now?
I firmly believe that if you are asking for help, then help must be there. But you must be willing to find a better way.
